


fragile youth (i devour it)

by Starsfelldown



Series: growing pains [1]
Category: ATEEZ (Band)
Genre: (sort of), Alcohol, Alternate Universe - High School, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Coming of Age, Complicated Relationships, Denial of Feelings, Everyone Is Gay, Explicit Sexual Content, Feelings, Friends With Benefits, Implied/Referenced Underage Sex, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Recreational Drug Use, Sexual Tension, Slice of Life, Some Fluff, Unreliable Narrator, everyone is of age and in the same grade, melodramatic teens, side pairings
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2020-01-29
Packaged: 2020-03-04 20:28:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 47,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18820120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Starsfelldown/pseuds/Starsfelldown
Summary: san's last months of high school and his sudden transition into adulthood happens a lot faster than he expected. he finds himself having a hard time adapting to the changes brought on his life. he's dazed and struggling to keep up with his friends and the only person who has time to help him through it is wooyoung.





	1. this isn't destiny

**Author's Note:**

> i aged up jongho so he could be in the same grade as everyone else. hongjoong will take a couple of chapters to REALLY be introduced to the story. pls don't expect too much from me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _mille rêves en moi font de douces brûlures_  
>  \- arthur rimbaud, **evening prayer**

    choi san is a believer of choice. he doesn't believe in the nonsense that is fate or destiny. if he fails a test, it's because he failed to study. if he’s late—it’s most likely because he failed to prepare. everything is and has always been a direct consequence of his actions. there are an infinite amount of choices and san is sure there are wrong choices and the right choice--none having a deeper rooted significance than the other. he isn't always sure what choice to make, but he is sure he's in control.

there is no higher power dictating and meddling in his life. no moon or stars have him pinned down and no crystal ball that could tell his end. no fates are sowing with their nimble fingers his tomorrow or his yesterday. he isn't a tragic hero in a greek tragedy or epic. of course he would love to be godlike and bring his name fame and his family honor and glory. he'd love to shine glitter and gold, or have the strength of a thousand men and be destined for greatness. he'd love to be ethereal, but he's not. he is no odysseus and couldn't come close to achillies.

he's choi san, with average parents that own a small store in a quiet part of ilsan. his parents who have also lived an average life in a plain house with one child and basic income. san somehow managed to be exactly what they wanted. he isn't rebellious and studies well--good enough to be in the top percent, but not well enough to be part of the top students. san is mediocre enough to keep his parents happy and that leaves him complacent. his life and its impact do not go further than that. san is fleeting. san is the early morning dew and late dawns. san isn't golden or shinning. he is just as dull as everyone else.

choi san simply is and there is not more to it.

    today he forgot his gym clothes and as a result, he has to write sentences instead of doing hurdles. san isn't upset about it. he was never incredibly athletic or outdoorsy, but he is annoyed that he forgot.

san is a bit meticulous and isn't one to overlook things. every day he gets home and throws his gym clothes in the wash and when they're done drying he folds them and neatly places them back into his bag. he sighs and curses his brain for giving out on him now that he's months away from graduation. he supposes years of mind-numbing lectures and intensive hours of revision are to blame for his faulty brain.

san glances over at the boys in their red short-shorts lined up, ready for their turn at the hurdles. they all chat and shove each other playfully as they wait. they all laugh with one another--throwing their heads back, basking in the sun and their youth.

seonghwa is next. he's standing on his own stretching his tan legs, his arms reaching out to the blue colored sky, and twisting side to side. he's never really been one to cast waves or cause ripples--he'd much rather let the water flow around him. but even with how quiet and easily he blends into the background he still shines brighter than anyone else. his black hair illuminating and his skin glistening even in the palest of light.

when the whistle blows seonghwa is off, leaving a trail of dirt behind him. the older boy's long legs, that stretch on for miles, leap over the hurdles with ease. the coaches watch him, amazed that such a talented young man isn't already on their team but san knows seonghwa and how he'd much rather shave his head than be a jock.

seonghwa flips his hair when he finishes, his face glistening from the exertion, but his breathing composed and expression unfazed. the coaches cheer their praise and boast about his posture to the other students, who roll their eyes and murmur under their breaths. seonghwa doesn't care and simply walks past the two men, letting his long legs take him back to the end of the line.

san looks back at his paper and gives his wrist a twirl before getting back to his sentences.

 _I will bring my uniform._  
_I will bring my uniform._  
_I will bring my uniform._  
_I will bring my_ -

he looks up from his paper, looking to see who is casting a shadow on his paper. two people: jongho and company.

jongho smiles at him as bright as he always does and wiggles his eyebrows at san. “hello sannie hyung.” jongho stands straight and looks down at him unfazed after walking to the top of the bleachers--his counterpart, on the other hand, looks a bit winded. the boy rests his hands on his knees and his breathing is heavy--his lungs not being able to keep up with jongho's superhuman stamina. san tilts his head to get a better look at the stranger and his brow raises in interest.

the boy has a unique look to him. maybe it's the slope of his nose that is throwing him off or the sharp structure of his face but his strongest and most defining feature is without a doubt his eyes--piercing and intense. just looking at him stirs something inside of san that he can't exactly place.

“how can i be of service my dear choi jongho?”

“nothing i was just showing this lovely young man around. he just moved here, and he still doesn't know his way. san, this is jung wooyoung.” wooyoung bows so fast that san is almost shocked he didn't snap in half. jongho then directs himself to wooyoung and gestures to san. “this is choi san.”

wooyoung smiles at him but can't hold eye contact for very long. san finds that the more wooyoung turns away the more he wants to look at him. he's unfairly pretty.

"he's pretty cool." jongho says as he sits on the older boy's lap. san wraps his arms around the younger boys waist with a smile.

"but not as stunning as you are," he says as he looks up to admire jongho's radiant face--smooth and golden. jongho is absolutely beautiful and the closest thing in san's life to being godlike: strong, graceful, and cunning. he's a flower in its spring and the epitome of youth. san doesn't know anyone quite like him.

"but not as hot as you." jongho says playfully inching closer.

"oh but not as sexy as you are." san says moving dangerously close, their noses almost touching.

jongho shrugs and turns away, "i guess you're right."

wooyoung giggles at them, his smile hidden behind his ring-clad hand but san can still see how his eyes curve into crescents. san feels his heart jump at the sound of his high, breathy laughs. he finds it cute.

“anyway wooyoung's pretty cool and i invited him to have lunch with us.”

san glances over at him again and this time he catches wooyoung's gaze. they both immediately look away.

“oh there's seonghwa!” jongho says jumping out of his lap and pointing down at the water station on the field where his hyung is filling up a paper cup with water.

“oh wow,” wooyoung says genuinely surprised. “he is hot.”

"i told you."

“how come seonghwa gets 'hot' and i got pretty cool.” san says bitterly as he is blatantly ignored as the two thirst over his best friend. they both elbow one another and whisper about his brunette friend.

“okay, i think we're done here.” jongho says, turning back to san. “see you at lunch.”

“it was nice meeting you,” wooyoung says with a sincere smile.

“you too.” san says as they begin to walk away.

wooyoung looks back at him once more, his lips turning up at the ends and san looks away and continues to write his sentences.

    after that, all san sees is wooyoung--in passing, intentionally and even when he doesn't want to. though the more and more he sees of wooyoung, it seems like the less wooyoung sees of him and the less san wants to see of jung wooyoung.


	2. why don't you see me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“the devil's hand directs our every move_  
>  _the things we loathed become the things we love”_  
>  ― charles baudelaire, **les fleurs du mal**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ateez's comeback is close and i'm freaking out

    in the two months of knowing wooyoung, he quickly became an integral part of their friend group. the rest of his friends took to him the same way they always do when they make a new friend. they treat him as if they've known him for years and invite him around often. he sits with them during their lunch break at school, hangs out their houses, tags along to the cinema, and even when they smoke.

out of all of his friends though yeosang seems to like wooyoung the most.

yeosang and the younger boy hit it off pretty well--extremely well actually. they both have the same homeroom, so he figures they'd be the closest, but it's almost like the two are obsessed with each other. if wooyoung goes to the restroom then yeosang suddenly has to go as well. they're always together and san thinks it's ridiculous. during lunch, the two will recall times the two spent together alone. _remember that lady who thought you were her grandson?_ then yeosang will laugh and push wooyoung's shoulder as the rest of the boys are left out of their private joke.

san thinks it's odd. the two have gotten too close too fast and trail after each other like lost puppies. they're constantly touching and laughing as if the world is their own and made up of sparkles and butterflies. so san became curious about seonghwa's thoughts on the situation and asked him on a rainy spring day as they played overwatch. they'd been out partying the night before and the next day they both woke up tangled up in san's bed with massive headaches. they sat around shirtless with the soft pitter-patter of the rain softly tapping against window panes.

"i don't see a problem with it. you and i became the best of bros after just a couple of days." it was true, but seonghwa and san are different. seonghwa paused the game and sat back. "i don't know, i'm kind of glad yeosang is opening up. he hasn't always been great at making friends so i'm glad the two hit it off."

san had not expected seonghwa to be so aloof--or accepting. san figured since he had been together with yeosang he would have similar feelings towards the situation as his own. sure the two broke up over a year ago but he figured maybe seonghwa would still be harboring some of those feelings—although that was not the case. san should have figured his best friend would be happy for yeosang. seonghwa was always the mature one out of the bunch.

"who knows maybe they'll get together." seonghwa shrugged and reverting all his focus back on the game.

a week later while studying with jongho, wooyoung popped into his thoughts. his mind began to wonder off, he thought of the brown freckle on wooyoung's plump bottom lip and how his uneven hooded eyes disappear when he smiles. wooyoung loves to smile and laugh, loud and infectious, and always leaning on yeosang as he does so. san will sometimes glance over at the two and they'll be lost in their own little world. the earth could spin out of orbit and those two wouldn't notice, and they've only known each other for a couple of months. san dreads the thought of having to put up with them in a year from now.

"hey, are yeosang and wooyoung dating?"

jongho looks taken back by the random question. one moment they were talking about earth science and the next their friend's love life.

"i'm not sure." jongho said truthfully. "yeosang hasn't really mentioned it, but if they are it's not like he would tell us. especially if they just got together. you know how yeosang is."

of course, he knows how yeosang is. yeosang is nice and caring. yeosang has a beauty that people write sonnets about and a face that deserves to be carved into stone. his personality is as soothing and mellow as a lazy stream on a hot summer's day. of course wooyoung would like him. why wouldn't he? san went back to his textbook and played it off as if he didn't care, because he doesn't.

    out of all his friends san feels that he is the least compatible with wooyoung. maybe he feels that way because he's spent the least amount of time with him, but they've never really clicked. san is an introverted extrovert who isn't good at making friends, so it makes sense him and wooyoung, an extrovert who could make a chair fall for him, aren't very compatible.

they don't share many of the same opinions, which is fine, but they don't have much in common either. if you put them alone for an hour their conversation would run dry in less than ten minutes and for the rest of the time, they would sit in uncomfortable silence. by this, he doesn't mean that he hates wooyoung. he really doesn't mind him as a person. if anything he's very indifferent about his presence and just isn't as fond of him as he is with the rest of his friends.

today's friday, and they're at seonghwa's house all sprawled out in his bedroom having a marathon of harry potter movies. yunho and mingi are cuddled together on a makeshift bed they made out of quilts on the floor--too invested in the movie and each other to care about anyone else. seonghwa is sprawled out on his bed, groggy and disheveled from his nap. san wiggles himself onto the bed and is now being cuddled by his grumpy hyung. yeosang and wooyoung are in their own little world in the corner of the room whispering away not even watching the movie. once in a while wooyoung's giggles will fill the room or yeosang's low voice will sound like a murmuring buzz in the background, but besides that, they're relatively quiet and keep to themselves.

seonghwa takes the blunt behind his ear and places it in his mouth and lights it.

“you're gonna catch my hair on fire you bastard!” san curses, coiling away from the flame.

seonghwa takes a hit and rolls his eyes. he exhales the smoke into san's ear and the younger groans, pushing him away. seonghwa chuckles lowly and passes him the blunt. “here.”

san rolls his eyes and takes a hit, welcoming the smoke into his lungs and then exhaling slowly into the dark room. his lungs burn a bit but it feels nice.

“yeosang.” he calls, extending his arm off the bed and in the pair's direction. “you guys want a hit?”

yeosang looks to wooyoung who shakes his head. san has to suppress an eye roll. “suit yourself,” says seonghwa before reaching over and picking the blunt from in between his thumb and forefinger.

after the blunt is nothing but a numb san starts to feel a bit sleepy. mingi and yunho helped them finish it, but they probably only did a hit each. seonghwa's hand plays with the hem of his shirt and his fingers occasionally graze the slither of skin peeking through. it feels nice.

“sannie.” seonghwa says, his voice dragging out the vowels in his name. san can feel his lips against the shell of his ear and the way seonghwa presses his chest to his back. “you wanna kiss?”

“sure,” he says as he turns around to face him. seonghwa's lips curl as he slithers his hand around san's slim waist. the younger giggles and wraps his arms around seonghwa's neck.

seonghwa's lips are always so soft and slot so well between his own. the kiss is lazy, their tongues sliding against each other and their hands pulling each other impossibly close. san slips his leg over seonghwa's hip and hums when seonghwa's hands slip to his ass.

weed has always awoken an intense need for intimacy in san; whether it's physical or emotional seonghwa has always been there to fill it. seonghwa has always been there. he was there when he was twelve and tried his hand at skateboarding only to break his arm in the process. he was there when he was fourteen and afraid of admitting that he liked boys; and when he was fifteen and his hormones were running wild. seonghwa is his best friend and the love he has for him is so vast and strong, but strictly platonic. sure, they're always all over each other, but surprisingly they're one of the few pairs in their friend group that haven't dated.

seonghwa and san have been involved the longest but yeosang was san's first boyfriend. to say the least, it was incredibly awkward. they met at a skatepark not too far from san's parents' shop and slowly became friends and then, shortly after, began dating. to put it short they were at their best when they weren't acting like a couple. after their breakup, yeosang stuck around and grew to be one of his best friends. after months of flirting, seonghwa and yeosang began to date and if it weren't for the fact that san began to date jongho he would have been incredibly jealous. not because he still had feelings for yeosang or because he didn't want them to date, but it would have been lonely with his best friends dating.

san and jongho never had a bad day as a couple but the relationship came to an end after a mere three-month period. san actually really liked jongho, found him incredibly attractive, funny, and affectionate, but jongho was confused. the younger thought because san liked him he was obligated to like him back. jongho did like san, found him attractive and had no problem being intimate with him, but there was no romance. he thought of san as a friend so jongho ended up breaking up with him--which stung but luckily they remained good friends.

yeosang and seonghwa dated for nearly half a year until they had a falling out that created some tension in their friend group. soon yeosang began dating yunho, seonghwa's ex and not even a week later seonghwa brought along his new boyfriend mingi--jongho's ex. both mingi and yunho ended up being more interested in each other than their boyfriends, so they dumped the pair and started dating each other--and have been together since. seonghwa and yeosang dated, once again, but this time when they ended it, it was on good terms.

“you seem distracted.” seonghwa murmurs before kissing down his neck playfully causing san to giggle.

“can you guys stop being disgusting we're trying to watch a movie here,” yunho says annoyed.

seonghwa grabs one of his pillows and throws it at them, but misses. yunho sticks his tongue out at the oldest mockingly.

“this movie is trash anyways!” seonghwa retaliates. “the lack of gay makes this movie incredibly unrealistic.”

yunho gasps and mingi does his best to hold back his laughter.

“he's got a point.” yeosang says. “i mean they're away at boarding school, they're all wizards and none of them are fucking each other? doesn't make sense. magic and boarding schools are textbook gay.”

“don't harry and draco have a forbidden love thing going on?” san asks as he turns to face his friends.

“they're enemies!” yunho screeches.

“they. are. fucking.” seonghwa says.

yunho then goes on a rant on why a romantic relationship between draco and harry is completely ridiculous and why subtlety is key when it comes to lgbt themes in harry potter. he even looks up a pdf of the books online to cite his sources. if that wasn't enough to loll him to sleep, seonghwa's hand running up and down his back pushes him further to sleep, so when jongho's loud ass slams through the door he jumps so high he almost falls off the bed. his friends laugh at him as jongho sings his arrival.

“the chicken has arrived.” jongho belts.

“finally, i'm starving!” mingi says detangling himself from yunho.

“you put the drinks in fridge right san?” jongho asks as he unpacks the food.

san lets his head fall back on the comforter and shuts his eyes. he forgot. everyone--except wooyoung--was told to bring something to their get together. seonghwa provided his house and the weed, while yunho brought ramyun and mingi supplied sweets. wooyoung was an exception because he is relatively new to the group, so they decided to give him a pass. san was put in charge of the drinks--the forgotten ones.

“aissh.” mingi complains. “you had ONE job san! one job. now i'm gonna starve.”

"you know mingi can't eat without drinking something." yunho says as he rubs his boyfriend's back. "he'll choke."

san rolls his eyes as his friends bash him and his failing memory. "alright! alright!" san says as he sits up from the bed. "i'll fucking go get the drinks."

"you're fucking stoned!"

"that doesn't mean i can't walk?" san says he pushes himself from the bed. "the corner store is like a ten-minute walk."

"i'll go with him." wooyoung offers from his little place in the corner. "i feel bad for not bringing anything so i'll buy a snack for later or something."

"you sure?" yunho asks raising his brow. "you don't have to."

"it's fine."

the walk to the corner store seems to drag on longer than ten minutes. the humid heat that suffocates their town has his clothes clinging to his body and making him feel uncomfortable and sticky. the harsh rays of the sun fill the world with a blinding yellow light that makes it hard to keep his eyes open.

wooyoung and san have been walking in silence for too long for it to be considered comfortable if he starts a conversation. it'll still feel awkward and forced. san looks over at wooyoung who walks next time him, looking everywhere but in his direction. he wonders if wooyoung is uncomfortable around him or if he feels the tense air that fills the room whenever they're left alone. he wonders if his voice has ever annoyed wooyoung the way wooyoung's sometimes annoys him. he laughs at the thought of getting under wooyoung's skin, but as he looks at him and the way the sun cascades over his beautiful skin he doesn't find him capable. he's too bright and golden to waste his time thinking badly of anyone--especially not san.

"are you going on the class trip the school is hosting having after graduation?" wooyoung says in an attempt to make conversation.

san shrugs before responding. "haven't given it much thought. it's still a month or two away, but i'll probably end up going."

"i think it'll be fun. jeju island is beautiful and should be nice around that time of year. i'm excited to go visit." wooyoung says cheerfully.

san nods as he vaguely remembers that he heard in passing that wooyoung moved from jeju. he isn't sure why he moved here or why it happened so suddenly nor does he want to ask or know. luckily they arrive at the corner store and san can escape the faraway look in wooyoung's eyes as he reminisces on old memories.

they greet the store clerk and go to find drinks. he picks up seonghwa's juice first and then grabs him a water bottle so he can hydrate. wooyoung picks out his drink of choice--something fruity and sweet--as well as yeosang's and san grabs the rest. wooyoung goes and gets snacks and chips so they can munch on later in the evening.

"is there something you want in particular?” wooyoung asks as he browses.

san looks at the bag of his favorite crisps and contemplates whether he should grab it or not. he can feel wooyoung's eyes on him as he stares at the bag, but walks over to grab an apple instead.

“for jongho,” he says as he tosses it over to wooyoung. the younger boy manages to grab the apple but drops a pack of oreo's in the process and stumbles to pick it up. san looks back at him and smirks to himself as he places all his drinks on the counter for the cashier.

“is that going to be all?” the cashier says as he scans them.

"yes," he says to the mullet-haired boy.

    they get back to seonghwa's apartment without really saying much. the sun continues to mercilessly beat down on their backs and the tension between them doesn't dissipate. both the boys toe off their shoes and go enjoy lukewarm drinks and microwaved chicken with their friends.

later on as they watch the order of the phoenix jongho offers him a bite of his apple which san accepts. he bites into the cool, crisp apple that crunches under his teeth. he chews and fantasizes about the chips from ealier.

    in the quiet hours of the night san wakes up to seonghwa's light snoring and the sound of whispers. san blinks and tries to adjust his eyes to the blue, almost blinding light coming from the tv that illuminates the room. someone must have set it to mute because the cartoons on the tv dance and sing, but no music or sound is heard. he looks down and sees yeosang and jongho cuddled together on a small makeshift bed they made out of extra blankets. he looks over at the couch which wooyoung won the right to sleep on after an intense game of paper, rock, scissors. he's sound asleep; his body curled up on the small couch and his lips parted slightly. san finds it hard to look away. so many times he's wanted to look at wooyoung like this, unbashful and without consequence, taking in his beauty and innocence without being noticed. san thinks he could stare at him until dusk, but in the corner of his eye he sees movement.

he glances over and sees yunho and mingi on the same pile of quilts from before. it takes a moment for his eyes to adjust to the dark--the bright light from the television not reaching the corner where they're laying down. the first thing he makes out is mingi's ring catching the light slightly as it runs down yunho's back. yunho lays on top of mingi as they kiss, mingi's fingers digging into the older boy's shoulder as yunho's hands wander under his boyfriend's shirt. san burns, his body bursting in embarrassment as he watches the two lick into each other's mouths and hearing the wet sound of their lips smacking together.

"y-yunho." mingi gasps into the older boy's mouth. "come closer."

"i'm right here." yunho says in a voice that's far too husky to be coming from his goofy friend. yunho shift so he's fully on mingi, all his weight on the younger boy, his hand cupping mingi's jaw.

"i love you yunho." mingi says, his nose traveling up and down the column of his neck. "i love you so much, too much. i don't think i could live without you."

the rawness of his voice scares san and has him feeling guilty. he shouldn't be listening. he shouldn't watch--but he can't look away. the display of intimacy is something san has never experienced or felt. he's too curious to look away.

"don't leave me."

yunho pushes the long brown fringe out of mingi's face so they can look into each other's eyes. he can tell yunho's stare is burning.

"i could never. you know i couldn't. i love you." yunho whispers, noses pressed together and breath unsteady.

san feels a knot in his throat and closes his eyes because he doesn't want to intrude anymore. he doesn't want to witness something so intimate and loving. he tries to will himself to sleep.

"say it again." mingi says into the stuffy air of seonghwa's room.

"i love you. i love you." yunho chants.

then they're kissing again and san turns so he's facing seonghwa's sleeping body. he presses himself closer to the older boy so his soft snores drown out the sound of soft gasps and desperate kissing. seonghwa in his lucid state senses san and pulls him into his arms. his best friend's embrace is warm and calming but his eyes wander to wooyoung--whose face is bright with the flashing colors of the tv and somehow he feels worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yunho and mingi didn't have sex btw... they just had a passionate make out session. they're young and in love pls don't judge them. anyways thank you to the ppl have been reading this mess. feel free to drop a comment, kudos or bookmark! i appreciate all of it <3


	3. i wanna count the stars in your eyes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"familiar things wither, oh my_  
>  _ **it withers in the end**_  
>  _look at the shining and great thing, like you_  
>  _ **like you**_  
>  _it’ll sway and explode, like me_  
>  _ **whatever**_ "  
> -shinee, **don't stop**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be a long chapter but idk it felt weird as one so i chopped it up into two parts so i'll post the other half tmrw 6.6  
> on another note:  
> you want to ramen and then go = netflix and chill

    seonghwa has been san’s best friend since middle school. back then seonghwa's grandmother was still alive and dressed him every day so he came to school with perfectly ironed clothes, neat socks that reached just above his ankle, and shorts that showed off his knobby knees. san thought he was cool. he was good at football and all the other boys wanted him on their team, but seonghwa made up excuses so he could sit out. even then he was never much of a sporty guy.

san doesn't really remember how they became friends. one day they were strangers and the next they were inseparable. he supposes that kids are easy-going like that. at the tender age of twelve, san didn't see much of a difference between him and seonghwa. san was a bit shorter than seonghwa and his white uniform shirt was pristine while his friend's was vanilla with age. and san didn't think it was odd that seonghwa lived in a ratty apartment above a flower shop or that his mom was never around. san at the age of twelve didn't question it.

at the age of fourteen san knows better. he knew that seonghwa's mom had left him and his dad before seonghwa could even walk. at nineteen, she was far too young and rebellious to let herself get tied down to a life of a housewife with a bastard son and an average looking husband. a husband who was quiet and awkward with nothing to his name but an old pickup truck and his childhood home in jinju. he knew that seonghwa had been angry at her for leaving and resentful towards his dad for not making her stay. but despite it all, san could see how much seonghwa loved his dad and how much seonghwa worried about him. seonghwa's dad worked until he dropped but even then it was just enough to get by. but when san slept over seonghwa's dad scraped up enough money to rent them a movie and buy them pizza. at the age of fourteen san realizes that even though seonghwa lacks a mother and is grieving the passing of his grandmother, he isn't lacking in parental love and with all their faults, seonghwa's family is whole.

at the age of eighteen, almost nineteen, seonghwa announces that he got a job at seven-eleven and san isn't surprised.

"why seven-eleven though?" san says his eyes never leaving the page of his manga.

"just thought it would be nice to have some extra cash." seonghwa shrugs from beside him, his legs all bunched up in the tiny cubical of the comic cafe. "plus it's convenient, close, and i get paid for doing basically nothing. besides, it's not like i do much in my free time anyway."

"that's not true. you keep me company!" san objects, putting his copy of aku no hana aside so he can throw his arms around his friend's waist. "your snuggles are worth gold."

seonghwa chuckles, something soft and not too convincing. "hey are you going to minho's party this friday?

"who's all going?" san says his face pressed into seonghwa's lower stomach.

"everyone," seonghwa says his voice chirpier than before. "jongho's last game was last friday so he can come out with us. should be fun to have him around during the weekends again."

parties are a regular thing in their friend group. it seems like every friday or saturday they're invited to one. san doesn't mind going to them, free beer and a place to smoke in peace. san isn't the biggest fan of huge crowds but makes an exception for parties. he likes losing himself in the big swaying mass of strangers as he dances until he can't. there in that crowd, he doesn't have a name, a place or a significance. he's just there; whether he's kissing a stranger, grinding against his friends or high out of his mind--he barely seems to exist. san likes parties simply because he seems to disappear.

"sure, i'll go." san says as he flips through his discarded manga, the pages slipping past his thumb as he attempts to find his spot. seonghwa begins to stroke his hair, his legs now stretched out and tangled with san's. "hey after i'm done with this you wanna ramen and then go."

seonghwa actually laughs this time, his eyebrows wiggling in return.

    after class on friday san goes to his parents' stationery shop to help out for a bit. they never ask him to and they don't really need the extra help, but they like having san around. the bell at the top of the door announces his arrival and his dad's face lights up when he steps through the door. he calls san over so he can tell him about the new shipment of pens they got from japan. san smiles as he listens and pretends to find the glide and nib size of a ballpoint pen extremely fascinating.

around six they all go home together and have chinese for dinner. his mom scolds him for getting broth from his soup dumpling on his uniform. his dad laughs and tells her to stop nagging his son. san smiles.

after dinner, he goes to change out of his ridiculous school uniform and goes to seonghwa's to meet up with everyone else so they can walk to the wealthier part of the city together. they walk past big houses with intimidating metal gates with electronic keypad locks and pretty gardens. jongho even makes them stop in front of a shiny black car so he can pose and take a picture for instagram.

"flash on or off?" yunho says as he struggles to stay in his squatting position.

"it's fucking dark! what do you think?" jongho bites back.

"hey!" mingi bites from behind his boyfriend. "give him a break. he's a little tipsy from pregaming and he's still taking your fuckboy pics so be grateful."

san watches amused as a tipsy yunho takes and retakes photos of jongho who keeps blinking or changing poses. he looks to his side at seonghwa to make a joke but the only thing next to him is a bush. he looks back and finds seonghwa further back pulling out a pack of marlboros. he rolls his eyes. san isn't in a position to judge anyone's dirty habits--not with the amount of weed he smokes--but seonghwa's craving of nicotine isn't one he can condone. seonghwa knows how he feels and does his best to be cautious around him and the boys--but san can't hope that he'll quit.

jongho finishes his photo session around the same time it takes seonghwa to finish two cigarettes. when he comes back to his side he smells of nicotine, the smell pungent and gives san a headache. wooyoung's loud giggles don't help either.

    the first thing they do when they get to the party is head for the drinks. jongho is the most excited and eager to smoke and drink anything that is thrown his way. san watches in amusement as yeosang tries to get him to pace himself but to no avail. jongho is too busy mixing himself another drink to listen to him nag. san understands though. years of ice baths, strict diets, and extensive training have limited his types of fun. he would never complain or tell them not smoke or drink around him, but san could see the longing look in his eye--probably itching to join them. san admires him for taking his football career as seriously as he does because san doesn't think he could ever amount to something like that.

san slings his arm around his friend and brings him close. jongho has gone far too long avoiding the pleasures life has to offer because of his athletic career, but now that he's on a break and won't be getting drug tested anytime soon he has decided to let loose. that's when san decides that jongho is going to be his buddy for the night.

jongho is already a bit feral when sober so when he's had something to drink he becomes unstoppable. just a couple drinks in and he's already jumping on furniture and dancing. san has a hard time keeping up with him. he isn't a big drinker and likes it that way, but today he wants to enjoy himself. he wants to lose himself in a red plastic cup and forget the ugly feeling that's been sitting in his stomach for far too long. jongho isn't one for intimacy but when drunk he's all over san. it makes the older boy laugh because even during the short time they dated jongho was never this clingy and they never went past the occasional make out session and grope. but now they're both eighteen and as they dance jongho's hands wander to his ass and pull him closer. san can't help but laugh at his friend. jongho's eyes wander his body and look at him in a way that makes him desired. it's nice.

after two more shots, san begins to lose that initial adrenaline while jongho's stamina pushes on. san retreats off the coffee table they were grinding on and goes to a mostly vacant alcove by the kitchen. the room sways with every step and the neon lights play tricks on his eyes. slowly his feet take him further and further away from the booming bass that shakes his core and blasts in his ears. as soon as it's insight he throws himself on the couch and groans when his head hits the back of the sofa. he lets his forearm cover his eyes and tries his best to sober up. he doesn't want to show up to his house totally smashed, but with the way the room is spinning it feels like it'll end up that way.

a big reason he isn't much of a drinker is that he's a lightweight--extremely so. he stumbles over his words and his friends like to laugh at him and make jokes, but the only person who can really handle their liquor is jongho. other than him they're all almost as bad as san. yeosang is slightly better than mingi and yunho while seonghwa is a few drinks down from being a decent drinker. san is only regarded as the lightweight of the group because of how flushed and cute he gets while tipsy. san doesn't think it's fair but tonight he can definitely feel his cheeks burn, but he isn't sure if it's because of the alcohol or the boy dancing not too far away from him. he seems to know what he's doing. he moves his body with such confidence and ease, making pretty and elegant lines. san lets his eyes wander for once. noticing the swell of his ass and his gorgeous thick thighs. if san wasn't so drunk he'd go over and join him. grab him by the hips and kiss his neck. but he's far too gone for anything. and it isn't until the guy turns to the side that he realizes that the boy is wooyoung. san looks away so fast he almost gets whiplash.

    after sobering up a bit san decides he doesn't want to be sober anymore. he definitely doesn't want to be drunk but he wants to relax. san doesn't want to think about the real world for the night. he doesn't want to think about how soon partying every weekend with his best friends will soon cease or how soon jongho will move away to some big university that signed him. he doesn't want the ugly feeling in his stomach to keep growing and eventually consume him. he rather smoke his problems away. he knows it won't solve them but at least it'll put them off until tomorrow.

just as he goes to get his lighter though yeosang and wooyoung make their way towards the couch. yeosang plops onto his side and san can smell the weed on him. the older boy rests his chin on san's shoulder and stares up at him with a pout.

"sannie where's jongho?"

"the baby is partying and having a good time." san says as he points over to where someone is grinding on jongho.

yeosang sits up immediately and stumbles on his words. "uh i'll go make sure he's okay and not making an ass of himself."

"i think he's completely fine."

"no. no." yeosang says as he stands up. "we have to look after him. i'll be back."

wooyoung's eyes follow yeosang as he makes his way over to jongho who is three seconds away from shoving his tongue down some second year's throat. his eyes pleading yeosang to come back and to save him from being on his own with san. san stares at wooyoung and wonders why they can't be left alone without things getting awkward.

"do i make you uncomfortable?"

wooyoung looks at him shocked, eyes wide and obviously taken aback. "what?"

"do i make you uncomfortable?" he says but this time he turns his whole body so he's facing wooyoung.

"not necessarily," wooyoung says trying to make himself small. "if anything i thought you didn't like me being around so i try not to bother you."

san is quiet for a bit. he watches wooyoung rub at his arm and he looks so distressed and uncomfortable. san almost feels bad. what has san done to cause wooyoung to be so unsettled? he looks a bit cute like that... his lip jutted out and his fingers messing with the holes in jeans but san prefers wooyoung smiling as bright as the sun and his laugh filling the room.

he reaches over and stops his hand from messing with the seams of his jeans. "i don't hate you. i just want you to know that." san says as his hand burns over wooyoung's.

wooyoung is flushing all over and looking everywhere san isn't. san likes the red that rises from his cheeks and trails down the deep cut of his shirt. san lets his eyes wander again but not too far, but he does think wooyoung looks pretty like that.

"cute." san says with a dopey smile.

"what?" wooyoung says stunned. he's staring right into san's eyes and the older boy can see constellations in them. he bears witness to how the dim lights from above cast shooting stars in wooyoung's bright innocent eyes. he's high enough to make a wish on them, but not high or drunk enough to say it out loud. maybe if he keeps them to himself it’ll come true.

"nothing." san says before placing the joint he had behind his ear between his lips. he pats his pant's pockets but no sign of a light. "you got a light?"

"no." wooyoung says. "i don't smoke."

san hums and scavenges around in his pockets, but this time he empties them out. he hands it to wooyoung who yelps at suddenly having random items being plopped onto his lap. san sighs and falls back onto the couch, a mix of chapstick, his wallet, headphones, and cellphone as well as random items like lint and hair ties all sprawled out on wooyoung's thighs. san wondered how he could fit so much into his trouser pockets. they weren't even that big, a bit deep, but even with everything stuffed into them, they don't look bulky. or did they?

"san!" he snaps to the direction where seonghwa is motioning him over.

“watch my stuff. i'll be right back.” wooyoung doesn't have much of a choice but to accept. the younger boy struggles to pile up everything neatly and watches as san disappears into the crowd. san, of course, planned to come back in five minutes, but in the end, didn't.

seonghwa guides him outside, the night air still and silent. the older boy pulls out his lighter from his pocket and dangles it between to fingers. san smirks and places the blunt in between his lips. he watches as the paper shrivels up from the orange flame, embers flaring and then slowly subduing as ashes fall to the ground like petals. he inhales and takes an extra breath to push the smoke as far as it'll go before blowing wisps of smoke into the humid night. san stares up at the sky as he releases the last bit of smoke through the corner of his mouth. not a star in sight. the somber moon stands alone, glowing softly above them as lazy clouds pass it by.

he thinks of wooyoung then. he isn't completely sure why. maybe he feels guilty for abandoning him on that couch. again he isn't sure.

after a few hits, he starts to feel like he's about to float away. he thinks of wooyoung again, but this time he's high enough to let his mind wander. his mind is free to think of his pretty lips and even prettier eyes; that smile and body of his. san thinks of wooyoung's broad hands that are always littered in rings and how pretty they would like running across his skin. san inhales the last bit of oxygen left in the world and pictures how good wooyoung would look above him--drenched in sweat and desperate, his body the embodiment of sin and pretty whimpers slipping from his lips. san exhales and hands the blunt to seonghwa and decides he's had enough for one night.

    by the time san makes it back to the couch wooyoung is gone. according to mingi: yeosang, jongho, and wooyoung all pitched in for a lyft and left.

"shit he has my phone."

"just stop by his place tomorrow and get it." yunho shrugs as he clings onto mingi.

san feels the ugly feeling in his stomach return but this time in tenfold.

    when he gets home it's deathly silent, his parents are already tucked into bed and asleep. he toes off his shoes and organizing them neatly where his mom can easily see them by the door so that in the morning she knows he got home safely. his sock-clad feet pad across the wood floor that groans with every step. the house is filled with a blue moonlight, casting menacing shadows that creep behind him and taunt him. he walks faster the groaning of the hardwood floor struggling to keep up with his pace. when he gets to his room he shuts the door faster and a bit louder than he should have, but behind the door he feels safe and slumps against it, feeling relief.

he strips down and lets himself sink onto his mattress. the smell of his freshly washed bedding filling his senses and making him sigh. the feeling of his bare thigh brushes against the sheets feeling nice and smooth. the same floaty feeling from earlier returns. this time it stirs something below and san can still muster the little energy he has to deal with it.

san runs his hand across his chest; his breath hitching when his fingers catch on his right nipple. his body feels so heavy yet so sensitive and he has a deep urge to be touched. his fingers play with the sensitive bud while his other hand glides over the jut of his hip and then trailing to his front. he palms himself over the cotton of his boxers and it feels good--too good--and he can't help but moan.

he flips over onto his stomach and tries to muffle his moans by biting the corner of his pillow. he ruts and ruts against the crisp sheets. each thrust feeling so good and so addicting that he couldn't stop even if he wanted to. the pillow is useless. he still pants and whines a little too loudly, his hands fisting the sheets as he cums.

after he's done he has no energy left. he barely has enough to slip off his soiled boxers. as he does so he pretends as if he hadn't just whimpered out wooyoung's name and came from the thought of being stretched around him.

and if he did, no one has to know about it. definitely not wooyoung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry this was a little late i've had a tough two weeks:) my life has been a mess & i'm officially an adult soon but ah haha it's fine:D BUT PSA sf9 recently had a comeback so if you have time pls go check them out!:)


	4. i feel myself melt into you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ _and i don't want your pity_  
>  _i just want somebody near me_  
>  _guess i'm a coward_  
>  _i just want to feel alright_  
>  ”  
> -mitski, **nobody**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this chapter has smut and i'm not exactly sure how it turned out bc i don't have beta reader haha... so it could very well suck. also, i wrote this while thinking about soft vore so i apologize in advance (okay but if you want to talk about the taemin vore agenda or wanna be my gf hmu)  
> 

    the next morning san wakes up slightly groggy and with a nasty feeling in his stomach. it crawls inside him and claws at his insides. it picks at his brain and consumes his thoughts. san sits up in his bed and feels uncomfortable in his own skin. it's the same feeling he gets before a test.

san peals himself out of bed and cringes when his foot touches his soiled boxers from the night before. san grabs some clean clothes and showers before heading to seonghwa's.

san has horrible testing anxiety.

he has always done decently with or without studying, but the dread he has of not doing well has never sat well in his stomach. after all, san isn't dumb. he sees that his classmates are smart and capable, but he also sees them in numbers. there's thirty of them in his class and even more of his peers are in the class next door. there are high schools all around the nation with classrooms packed with students some smart, some not so much. san is one of many and he knows that he is nothing but a spec in a large galaxy, but even then his body still has instincts. to do well in school is to do well in life--or at least that's what he's been taught.

for the most part, san does do well. his only responsibilities are school and occasionally helping his parents at the family shop, so he doesn't have many distractions. usually, if he doesn't do well it's not because he failed to study, but his inability to calm his nerves. he could know every question on a test but if his anxiety is at its peak, it's a given that his grade will suffer. most of the time he could come to but when he took his csat it was exceptionally bad.

the idea of a simple test can dictate his capability was completely terrifying. years of education could mean nothing if he doesn't well on _one_ test. no amount of confidence, revision, nor tutors could lessen the weight that the test had. it sat heavier on his chest and made it hard to breathe. it was also the fact that the country's eyes seem to be on him. the stock markets are delayed for a test that he's spent hours upon hours studying for, but even if the planes around the nation were grounded san was up in the clouds.

he would love to say that he was able to settle his mind by simply taking a deep breath or slapping some sense into himself, but that simply wasn't the case. his mind that had been racing and had become a jumbling mess was settled by cannabis. yes, before going to the testing sight he smoked a joint behind the bleachers. did it help? yes. did he regret it? not particularly no, but he did feel almost guilty. but he had to do what he had to do. the law of evolution is that the strongest survives, as charles darwin said.

but even then his score wasn't perfect, good, maybe even great, but not perfect.

"it's all a fucking game in the end." he heard yerim--the top student of his class--say to her friend as they cleaned up the student council's classroom. san had stopped dead in his tracks. he was on his way home after staying late to study and was shocked to hear the pristine girl use such a word. she was usually all smiles and very articulate, but as san peaks inside he can see how she kicks an empty cardboard box across the room.

"getting good grades doesn't cut it anymore. you can be the smartest and be at the top, but it's become so much more than that! you also have to be involved; be the president of clubs, be a treasure for student council, and advocate for some charity. it isn't simply studying anymore, it's about becoming the perfect citizen. you could have the highest IQ in korea, but if you don't play their game you'll be scum at the bottom of their shoe."

san couldn't sleep that night, yerim's voice playing in his head like a broken record, and like every other time he has an inconvenience, pulled out the secret stash of weed from under his bed, hidden in an old metal box that has all his old pokemon cards.

he doesn't know when weed became his solution to everything. at times it feels like he's tilted his head back to stop a nose bleed. it isn't very effective and feels more like he is putting off the situation than actually dealing with it. blood isn't gushing on his shirt, nor falling down the palms of his hands at an uncontrollable rate but he can feel the blood trickle down the back of his throat and will be coughing up blood later.

a temporary fix always has its repercussions.

weed is hard to come around in south korea and incredibly expensive. the country has a strict band on the drug and even having it is dangerous. being caught with even the smallest quantity in his system could potentially ruin his entire life. there is also the constant fear of being caught, but even then, san still splurges and takes comfort in his dirty habit. he has restricted himself from so much and kept up with such a hectic lifestyle for so long that san figures that he's allowed to have this. no matter how dirty and dangerous it is.

    the night before when san rang yeosang with seonghwa's phone the boy was still a bit tipsy. most of his words were slurred but san refused to dial wooyoung.

"he has ballet practice in the morning," yeosang mumbled. "he won't be home until after noon."

"in the afternoon?"

"no after noon," yeosang said drawing out his words. "twelve o'clock be there."

it's nine-thirty now. the morning air is humid and sticks to his skin. he still has a while before he has to go to wooyoung's and he wants to wind down before going.

seonghwa opens the door shirtless and hair ruffled from sleep. san smiles at him and they go to his room. seonghwa wraps around him and san snakes his arm around his broad shoulders.

"you mind if i smoke?"

"you know i don't." seonghwa says as he snuggles his face into san's chest.

so san does. pulls out the rolled blunt and the fancy lighter yunho got him for christmas. he struggles a bit in lighting it, seonghwa laying on his chest and his arm span is cut short because of it, but he manages. he takes a long hit and blows it out into the stuffy air of seonghwa's room. he stares out the window and sighs. moments like this he'll miss.

san looks over at his best friend who is half asleep and snuggled up against his chest. seonghwa's shiny black hair is scattered across his face--his skin is a nice golden tone now that summer is approaching and there is more sun out. he lets his hand sooth up and down the older boy's back, his fingers dancing up until they reach seonghwa's neck. san's fingers stop when he sees littering of red bruises. he supposes that seonghwa ended up going home from the boy from last night.

"get home late?"

seonghwa nods while giving him a sleepy smile. "his name is hongjoong. we met at work and he happened to be at the party."

san laughs despite the funny feeling in his stomach. "tell me more."

"he has prettiest face i've ever seen and an even prettier dick," seonghwa groans.

"oh my god please don't get hard. i will not help you," san warns. "i don't know and don't want to know where your dick has been."

san wonders how seonghwa can sleep around like that. how he can hop from bed to bed and never see them again. san doesn't judge him or think less of him because of it. he has no right to nor would he ever. he just couldn't do it himself. sure once in a while, he likes kissing seonghwa and gives him a friendly handjob/blowjob, but that's different. afterward, seonghwa hangs around and always makes sure san is okay and comfortable but it doesn't mean much, they're just friends after all. seonghwa will eventually fall into love and leave san behind. after all, seonghwa has never had a problem with being loved. he has an infectious personality, a smile that leaves the world dizzy, and attention to detail that would anyone feel special. san in return has average looks and a resting bitch face. he wouldn't want to end up with someone like him either.

"do you think i'll die alone?"

seonghwa looks over at him, hooded lids and furrowed brow. he squints his eyes at san. he's still half asleep and can barely keep his eyes open. "hmm?" seonghwa says, voice deeper and raspier than usual. 

"i think i'm going to die alone."

"no." seonghwa says, pressing his swollen lips to his chest. "my san is pretty. he won't die alone."

"pretty is fleeting." san says as seonghwa caresses his face. "no one is pretty at eighty."

"anyone would be lucky to have you at any age. pretty or not." seonghwa frowns. "you are so much more than what you see in the mirror. you are golden and beautiful from the inside and out. and if we are both single by the age of twenty-seven we'll get married."

san laughs at the empty promise and shoves seonghwa playfully. somehow though, he feels oddly comforted by that.

    wooyoung's house is in the nice part of town, with a fancy gate and garden. the house is modern and stunning. it fits him well. though seeing wooyoung is like a kick in the gut. wooyoung stands by the door with his hair drenched, faced flushed, and though obviously exhausted, a smile. it's almost like a punishment for the night before. wooyoung greets him as he always does expectant and longing. san smiles at him curt and dismissive.

"are you hungry at all?" wooyoung says as he guides him through the long hall upstairs that leads to his room.

"i'm fine." san says as he squints from the blinding natural light that comes from the long panned windows.

"then do you want something to drink?" wooyoung says guiding him inside his room.

"i just came to pick up my stuff." san says as his eyes search for something appropriate to direct his gaze towards. he doesn't feel right looking at wooyoung, but looking anywhere that he isn't doesn't feel good either. being in wooyoung's room doesn't feel right.

"yeah, sure." wooyoung says, his smile faltering, but then returning to its pristine state. the younger boy begins to rummage through his bag, his nightstand, and then his desk. wooyoung is beginning to get antsy and pulling everything out of everywhere. "uh, hold on," he says as he struts towards the door.

"uh okay." san says but wooyoung is already gone before he can finish his sentence. san peaks over his shoulder to see if wooyoung is out of sight before snooping around.

wooyoung's room is littered with medals, plaques, and certificates--all first place and of prestige. san's fingers graze over the cold metal that shines in the rays of light that pour in through the window. all the certificates are best in this, best in that and first in this, first in that. there's a picture of wooyoung in black tights under bright stage lights, his pose filled with confidence and his stare fierce and almost intimidating. in the picture above it wooyoung is once again in tights, but this time he's shirtless and holding up a girl in a very uncomfortable--yet very graceful--position. san stares at the bulge of wooyoung's biceps and the defined muscles of his elegant back.

"bad news." wooyoung says with a huff. san jumps but plays it off and puts distance between him and the decorated wall of soft-core porn. okay, maybe not porn, san is just horny because of the weed.

"my mom left my bag in my mom's car and she's not going to be back for a while." wooyoung looks at san almost afraid of his reaction but san honestly doesn't know how to react. he can't be mad. it's san's fault for leaving his things with him in the first place.

"so what should we do?"

"you could hang out here until she gets back. she shouldn't take long." wooyoung says as he gestures for san to sit down. "you can have a seat on the bed or at the desk. wherever you're most comfortable."

san sits at wooyoung's desk and wooyoung sits on the edge of the bed, his fingers fumbling with the duvet. there's a weird tension in the air and san doesn't like it. he hates how uncomfortable he makes wooyoung and how small he makes himself around san. wooyoung is a blooming flower that stands alone and san the storm that tries to knock it down with its harsh winds that blow at the fragile stem and raindrops that drown it in the middle of the tempest.

he hates this situation.

he hates himself for feeling this way.

he hates that the weed is starting to wear off and for some reason, he wants to cry. he wants to hide. he wants to be touched. oh god, he needs to leave.

"do you not like me?" wooyoung says, his fingers still fiddling with the duvet and his gaze focused on the pattern.

"i don't hate you."

"then why do you act like it." wooyoung says, eyes snapping up to meet his own. his stare is intense and piercing and san wants to look away, but he doesn't want to back down.

"maybe you just take things a little too personally." san says defensively.

"or maybe you're just an asshole."

"oh fuck you! just because i'm not chasing after you and kissing your ass like everyone else doesn't mean i hate you. god, get over yourself." san snarls.

"what the fuck are you talking about?" wooyoung says infuriated. "people are friendly towards me because i don't sit around with a stick up my ass and hating the world because i'm hopelessly in love with my best friend. honestly san grow up."

there's a pause. wooyoung's stare is poignant and san stares back his jaw tight and body burning with rage.

"fuck you." san says before getting up--the roller chair slamming back against the desk. wooyoung's stops him with a hand on his shoulder and an apology ready to roll off his tongue. "don't touch me." san says pushing wooyoung back.

that's when all hell lets loose. an instant they're at each others' throats, pushing and shoving while screaming obscenities.

_bastard!_

_asshole!_

but san can't help but notice how toned wooyoung's chest is or how every shove and push has san's body on fire. wooyoung looks kind of hot too. his usually well-kept hair is unruly and still wet from his shower after ballet practice; his eyes that usually glisten and shine are dark and wild. when wooyoung has him against the wall their chests are flushed together and their breathing is harsh. they look into each other's eyes and san looks down at wooyoung's pink plump lips. he wants to run his tongue against that freckle on his lip.

san tries to leave and get out of the compromising position but wooyoung pushes him back against the wall, his thigh slotting in between his own. san feels something brush against his thigh and freezes. wooyoung must realize it too but before he can move away san makes a bad decision and kisses him. he goes in blind, lips bruising and not sure if he'll get a response but knowing that things will get complicated.

wooyoung lips stay still against his own as san desperately kisses him hoping to get a response--his arms tighten around the younger boy's neck beckoning him closer and his heart sinking with every second that passes.

"what?" san says pulling away from the one-sided kiss, sounding sadder than he wants to. "you don't want me?" san hides his face in the juncture where wooyoung's neck and shoulder meet. he bites at the skin harder than he should. the older boy whimpers and san wishes he would have drawn blood.

wooyoung takes san's chin between his forefinger and thumb, his eyes dark and longing. "you know i do." _i always have_.

it was true. san could see the way wooyoung stares at him when he thinks he isn't looking and the longing that overshadows his enthusiasm every time san even so much glances at him. maybe san is using that to his benefit. maybe san should leave before he makes a huge mistake--but he doesn't. because san has fantasized about this moment for too long and san is so sick of not getting what he wants. and as of now he wants wooyoung.

"then show me." he tempts.

it's all very rushed and messy. lips crashing together and tongues swirling with way too much spit--their mouths greedy and hot and their chests and hips pressed together. san groans into wooyoung's mouth when his hips cant against him. san has never felt this desperate before. wooyoung moans something high and breathless against san's mouth as the older boy grinds against him. san loves the look on wooyoung's face. he looks so far gone and all they've really done is kiss. but san is greedy. he wants wooyoung to come apart, he wants to hear him beg and whine for san. he wants to swallow him whole.

"let me suck you off." san says breathlessly.

wooyoung looks at him, his stare hazy and desperate to be touched. "fuck okay."

san flips them so wooyoung is pressed up against the wall and pushes the boy's shirt up, revealing his golden skin and sculpted chest. he presses a soft kiss to his chest, then moves to his collarbones, nibbling at the bone. wooyoung bites his lip to keep any embarrassing noises to himself, but san doesn't want that. san licks a broad stride against his nipple, lapping at it at an unforgiving pace that earns him a high pitched whimper.

"don't hold back." san trails down his body leaving wet kisses to his skin. "wanna hear you."

_i wanna see you fall apart._

san likes to give head. it's one of his favorite sexual acts. he likes it when his mouth is stuffed with a cock and being fucked into. he likes getting his hair pulled and the way saliva pools at the sides of his mouth. it's all very sensual and hot and san loves it. just thinking about having wooyoung in his mouth has him impatient and on his knees looking up at the younger boy. 

"p-please." wooyoung pleads, his shirt pulled up to his neck and pink nipples glistening. "wanna feel good." 

san can hear the desperation in his voice and can see the sadness in his eyes. san nods dumbly and shoves wooyoung's sweats down to his ankles, which wooyoung kicks away. san's mouth waters at the sight of wooyoung straining in his boxers and precum seeping through the cotton. san mouths at him through the thin material and wooyoung lets out a pathetic whimper. the younger boy looks down at him blushing and so desperate. he can't wait to wreck him.

he pulls his boxers down to his ankles, wooyoung's cock springing out. it's incredibly pretty; thick and flushed red, glistening from how wet he is and curved against his stomach. san takes wooyoung into his hand and not breaking eye contact as he licks wooyoung from the base of his dick to the head. wooyoung whines and san longs to hear it again. san tongues at the head bubbling with precum and hums at the taste. wooyoung gasps and tightens the grip on the hem of his shirt as san takes him into his mouth. wooyoung is so responsive and vocal and san can't get enough of him. he wants more. he wants to eat him raw. he licks and sucks on wooyoung's head, his eyes fluttering closed at all those whiny noises escaping wooyoung's mouth. san lets wooyoung slide out of his mouth--his lips slowly sliding against his sensitive skin. 

"you sound so pretty." san says as he tries to lather wooyoung up with a mix of precum and spit so the slide of his palm won't be so dry. "do you like it wet or dry?" 

"uh-" wooyoung's eyes seem to panic for a second but then his eyes flutter closed as a groan slips from his mouth when san starts jacking him off properly. "wet. wet please." 

"only because you asked so nicely." 

san takes wooyoung into his mouth, his cock thick and sitting heavy on his tongue. he starts off slow, taking wooyoung in little by little and his hand working on whatever isn't in his mouth. san takes deep breathes through his nose and groans as he palms a little at his aching erection. he looks up through his lashes at wooyoung, who's biting at his bottom lip and trying so hard not to buck up into san's mouth. the older boy relaxes his jaw and places his hand on the jut of wooyoung's hip as he takes him all the way to the hilt. wooyoung hips stutter a bit and he looks like he's ready to melt. 

san takes wooyoung's hands and puts them into his hair, the younger boy's fingers thread into the strains of his black hair and san moans at the sensation. san pulls on wooyoung's hips, trying to get him to move. 

"f-fuck." wooyoung mutters as he thrust into san's mouth. "you feel so good." 

san preens at the praise--his jaw unhinged, eyes pooling with tears and his chin covered in spit. he takes wooyoung as far as he can, his cock sliding down his hot throat with ease as san swallows. wooyoung's thrust starts to get desperate and out of rhythm, his hand gripping san's hair to get him to meet his sloppy thrusts. san watches wooyoung's face all scrunched up and mouth agape, sounds of pleasure falling from it and he can't help but rub himself through his jeans. he looks so pretty. 

"i-i'm gonna cum." wooyoung breathes out as he pushes weakly at san's shoulder, but san doesn't pull away like wooyoung thinks he will. san swirls his tongue and then swallows around wooyoung's thick cock as he spills into his mouth. 

wooyoung lets out a string of breathless curses as he rides out his climax. he stands on the balls of his feet, his toes curled and his mouth slack. san decides he looks hot when he cums; his eyes are squeezed tightly together, his core flexed and his long fringe sprawled across his forehead. he looks like one of those marble sculptures in venice and florence, like a god in his prime. 

when wooyoung pulls out of his mouth, a long strand of saliva connecting wooyoung's now limp dick and san's tongue before it breaks and falls against his chin that's covered in cum and spit. san doesn't even have a chance to wipe it off before wooyoung is pushing him to floor and arms caging him in. 

wooyoung licks into his mouth and can probably taste himself on his tongue. san tangles his fingers into wooyoung's hair and melts against the cold hardwood floor. wooyoung settles on top of san, grounding him with his weight and sits in between san's legs. wooyoung's lips are so soft and his tongue so slow and languid in his mouth. the way wooyoung cradles his jaw in his soft palms seems like he's trying to keep him from falling apart. 

san raises his arms so wooyoung can slip his shirt off. san sighs as wooyoung spreads his pretty hands across san's body, his cold rings and soft palms run across his hot skin and his tongue seething and sweet. the kiss leaves wooyoung dazed and dizzy. wooyoung pulls away from him and begins to press wet kisses to his neck making his way down to his collarbones and then chest. wooyoung peppers kisses around the sensitive skin of his nipple. san fingers tighten in wooyoung's hair, his legs squeezing against the younger boy's sides as he lets out an embarrassing moan as wooyoung laps at the sensitive bud. 

san doesn't know if wooyoung is doing this to get back at him but his pace sways from being relentless to slow and teasing. but san can't take it. he's been on edge too long and has fantasized about wooyoung too many times for him to bed edged like this. 

"wooyoung please." san pleads. "just touch me. i wanna cum." 

so wooyoung does. he unbuckles san's belt and fiddles with his zipper with shaking hands. wooyoung pulls his pants and boxers down far enough to get his dick out. 

"wow," wooyoung murmurs. "you're really wet." 

"shut up and just a-ah" san moans when wooyoung takes him into his hand. 

"don't worry." wooyoung says, his lips brushing the shell of his ear as he pumps san. "i'll give you what you want." 

san lets himself fall apart under wooyoung's piercing gaze and plush lips. every touch so good and he feels hot all over. he can't even kiss wooyoung properly anymore, he just pants into his mouth while grasping the back of his neck. 

san cums with an embarrassing cry, his eyes shut so tight that he can see stars behind his eyelids. wooyoung helps him through it and for a split second he feels good and like he's floating. but all that goes up must go down. 

he's laid out under wooyoung with his shirt off, dick out, and cum splattered across his stomach and chest. san feels a bit vulnerable. at least wooyoung has his shirt on and managed to pull up his boxers before pouncing on san. if he's honest he wants to throw wooyoung off and crawl under his bed and never come out. but wooyoung's touch is so warm and his skin so soft that he wants to stay under him until they melt together from their pulsing body heat. he's also still a bit spaced out from his orgasm--so spaced out that he lifts his right arm and presses his hand against wooyoung's cheek, soft and gentle. no biting or moaning. chaste and sweet. 

then there's a couple of minutes where they just stare at one another in a mix of shock and confusion. 

san coils away and shoves his dick back into his pants. 

_stupid. stupid. stupid._

he quickly sits up and pushes himself back and away from wooyoung. 

"san." wooyoung says, his brow furrowed and his hand reaching out to touch san. 

but at that moment wooyoung's mom's voice is calling out his name. san scrambles up and wooyoung tells him to go into the restroom and shoves him towards him the direction of a white door. 

the restroom is painted all in white; white tiles, white towels, and a white rug. san feels out of place and dirty. he slips off his ring before running a washcloth under the hot water as wooyoung's mom's voice fills his room. san wipes the drying cum off his stomach and slips on his shirt. he runs his hands through his hair and hurries to tidy himself in an effort to look presentable. 

wooyoung's mom is nice and young with dark hair and pale skin. she asks him to stay for dinner with a smile bright on her rouge colored lips as wooyoung hands him his belongings. 

"no mom." wooyoung says with a nervous smile. "san has things to do." 

wooyoung's mom pouts and rest a perfectly manicured hand on san's shoulder and squeezes. _next time_ , she says with a wink. 

    later when san is in bed listening to music on his phone vibrates. san picks up his phone, the soft glow of the screen lighting up his face. 

from:wooyoung  
_you left your ring..._

another buzz. 

from:wooyoung  
_do you want me to hold onto it until monday?_

san is smart enough to know what wooyoung is asking. san lays down on his back and closes his eyes. he's sure all of this is a bad idea. that being with wooyoung and touching him will only end up in flames--but san is weak. he's had a taste of wooyoung's honey lips and has held him too close to have him far. he can't stand the idea of not being able to kiss those lips again or fall apart at the hands of wooyoung. being without wooyoung isn't an option. 

to:wooyoung  
_i'll come by tmw to pick it up_

san sighs and ignores the flutter of wings in his stomach when he receives another text. 

from:wooyoung  
_i'll be waiting._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you: san is an emotionally constipated hoe  
> me, an intellectual: san just wants to fall in love:(


	5. the days are short when i think of you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"tonight, i've finally learned to tell fantasy from reality. and, knowing the difference, i choose fantasy."_  
>  -david henry hwang, **m. butterfly**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really want to finish this fic but i also don't want to bc i love writing woosan but i really wanna work on the other fics in my drafts. i have so many but no time to write:((( but anyway thank you to all the people who have been reading, commenting and bookmarking!!<3333 (i don't have a beta reader and have to rely on grammarly to check my mistakes so pls be nice. i'll proofread this again tmrw but there shouldn't be too many mistake... i hope)
> 
> ON ANOTHER NOTE:  
> if you don't have an iphone there's a scene that might confuse you. there's this feature on imessage where you can send audios and you can set it so they expire for two minutes. that's all you really gotta know tbh.

    wooyoung isn't at school monday.

san is so use to seeing and hearing wooyoung everywhere—especially at school. in the mornings when at school, he always catches glimpses of him before class starts but today when san glances over at his locker he isn't there. usually, the younger boy is in front of his locker talking with a classmate; whether it's yeosang, an eager girl who laughs a little too loudly or a flirtatious boy who stands a little too close, but today they walk right pass his locker. as if wooyoung doesn't exist.

because of this san can't concentrate.

san was initially afraid of seeing wooyoung again after their encounter on saturday and then again on sunday afternoon but now that wooyoung isn't at school it feels a bit anticlimactic. even with the younger boy gone all he can think about is wooyoung and their secret rendezvous. his mind keeps wandering off to sunday afternoon when he was in wooyoung's bed, the younger boy's hand pumping them both in his hand as they moaned into each other's mouths. if san closes his eyes he can still hear wooyoung in his ear and the curl of his lips against his cheek when san begged him to go faster. san tries to push these memories away and tries to focus on his school work but fails.

wooyoung has always been a chronic and invasives inhabitant in his mind, he doesn't know why he thought today would be any different.

    during their lunch break, yunho asks about wooyoung's absence and yeosang begins to push the food on his tray around with his chopsticks. san feels uneasy. does he know about wooyoung and him? he must. wooyoung tells him everything but what exactly did wooyoung tell him? that san's voice gets high pitched when he cums? or that his dick is thin and long? he hopes wooyoung didn't say anything, though, the way yeosang has been staring at him all day tells him differently.

"he isn't feeling too good." yeosang says and pauses before continuing. "he got wait-listed for the university of his choice and has been upset all weekend so his parents took him out to have some fun."

"oh that sucks." jongho says with a pout.

"yeah." yeosang says and then turns his gaze towards san. "if you guys could be _nice_ and encouraging when you see him that would be great."

    in the afternoon, seonghwa blows him off to pick up an extra shift at the convenient store but san thinks he's just using it as an excuse to see hongjoong. san tries not to be upset about it but san doesn't feel like being alone. his mind can't stop racing and he feels bad. his head is scrambled and he just needs someone to tell him everything is going to be okay.

he knows what he has with wooyoung isn't special. that they're just convenient and interchangeable but he can't help but feel used. it doesn't feel nice. it makes san curl up into a ball and overthink. it makes his insides crawl and eyes sting. he feels restless and uneasy and so dirty.

did wooyoung only sleep with him to feel better about being wait-listed? and if he did... is san any better? _because isn't san doing the same thing?_ isn't he just using wooyoung to feel a little less alone? a little more desired? a little more alive and capable of making his own choices? a bad choice—but a choice made out of his own will.

his phone buzzes then. san prays it isn't wooyoung but the back of his mind chants and hopes it is.

from: wooyoung  
_hey_

to: wooyoung  
_i don't think i left anything at your house._

from: wooyoung  
_no, but you did leave my bedsheets covered in cum..._

san feels his cheeks turn pink and then snickers, feeling giddy. they're playing a dangerous game. a game where they use each other to feel better and forget their pain. a temporary fix, that's what this is, a fix that'll only leave them worse than how they began. but san is young and is he's allowed to make mistakes—or that's what he tells himself when he sends a provocative picture of his collarbones, still littered in red and blue marks and his glistening lips parted.

after they’ve both cum, san does feel better. even if it is for a little while.

to: wooyoung  
_did you tell yeosang?_

from:wooyoung  
_about what?_

to:wooyoung  
_about today..?_  
_about yesterday?_  
_about the day before?_

about this. about them.

from:wooyoung  
_well there's not much to say_

for a second san forgot that whatever _this_ was is in fact all a facade, an illusion. smoke and mirrors, that san set up in his mind to fool himself. he decides to shatter them before he falls for his own trick.

    tuesday san has an important presentation in his literature class that he has been preparing for a month. it goes well—but only because he smoked behind the bleachers beforehand. he asked to go the restroom and ran across campus to his secret spot, took a couple of drags, and ran back. if he hadn’t he would have been a jittery mess. seonghwa noticed and stifled a laugh.

in his phys ed class he has to run the mile but all san can think about wooyoung. the way wooyoung is still incredibly sexy through audio messages and how san could hear wooyoung rustling around in his chest and his pretty moans. he wonders if it was as hard to send the audio messages for wooyoung as it was for san. san has never been able to use both hands at once—much less when jacking off—but in the end, it was worth it, because when he closed his eyes and pressed play it almost felt like wooyoung was right next to him. if he’s honest, even now after the audio messages have long expired, if he closes his eyes he can probably hear the way wooyoung called his name out when he came.

    after lunch, wooyoung sends him a shirtless pic in a foggy mirror somewhere on campus. the marks on his chest are still there, faded, but still very much there. wooyoung then messages san again and tells him to go to the performing arts locker room, so he does.

san finds wooyoung standing in the middle of the locker room his hair still wet and still shirtless. once san is close he notices wooyoung has grey hair, and his palms are hot against his skin, and when wooyoung pulls him in for a kiss san can still smell the dye. he wonders if this is what wooyoung did when he decided not to come to school yesterday—his idea of ‘fun’.

san thinks he looks good with his new hair. it still feels soft when he threads his fingers through it but san prefers wooyoung's natural scent over the chemicals from the dye. though the way wooyoung tastes is still the same, sweet like honey but as tart as pomegranate seeds, and his kisses still make him dizzy and throw him out of orbit—and for san that's enough.

    on wednesday seonghwa buys him tteokbokki to make up for ditching him on monday. the pair eat while watching neon genesis evangelion on netflix, the two boys entertained by the gory images on the screen and the screams from the characters. seonghwa complains the whole time about the changes and san would laugh but the hickeys on seonghwa's neck make it hard to concentrate. he wonders if they're from hongjoong or if they're from someone else. his mind races and races and no matter what san can't get it to stop. he wonders if he were to kiss seonghwa if the older boy would kiss him back? and if he did, would wooyoung feel bad if he finds out?

he thinks about both outcomes: seonghwa turning the other way, san's lips falling onto his cheek instead of his lips and seonghwa turning him down easy by telling him he’s not in the mood. then wooyoung's disappointed and teary-eyed expression flashes through his mind. wooyoung's star-filled eyes glistening with cosmos and his bottom lip quivering. but then it occurs to him that maybe wooyoung wouldn't care at all. san decides he's better off not knowing and settles on listening to seonghwa whine about netflix changing shinji's voice actor and multiple scenes.

seonghwa groans. "i can't believe they changed this part too."

"what did kaworu say originally?"

seonghwa turns to him then, his eyes red from lack of sleep and bags under his eyes, but still so damn beautiful.

_"you know, pain is something that man must endure in his heart. and since the heart feels pain so easily some believe life is pain." seonghwa looks over at him then. "you are delicate like glass—that is, your heart is. yes; this is worth earning my empathy. i'm saying i love you."_

san makes fun of seonghwa for having it memorized and laughs despite his dry throat and the knots in his stomach from hearing seonghwa say _i love you._

    it's wednesday and wooyoung's hands are on his waist and san is grinding down on his lap. the younger boy cants his hips up to meet his thrusts. their rhythm is slow, not like the times before where they've rushed and been blinded by the initial haze of lust, right now their pace is steady and languid and so good.

there are so many things wooyoung is the best at but kissing isn't one. he doesn't know if it's from inexperience (this seems unplausible) or because everyone else has been too nice to correct him but sometimes he uses too much tongue or is a little too eager. at times it doesn't matter but today he’s letting san take the lead and wooyoung follows with his eyes closed and letting out sweet little hums. san sits in his lap, softly cupping the younger boys jaw and slowly grinding down as their tongues slide against each other.

wooyoung looks incredibly pretty: his eyes closed in bliss, eyelashes long and lips kissed red. wooyoung is just so addicting; his lips too sweet, his hands so eager to please, and desperate for san's attention. san could do this all day. san has found complacency in all of _this_ and is fine with what wooyoung is willing to give him. he's fine with handjobs and grinding against wooyoung until he cums but today he really wants to be filled. he wants to feel the slow slide of wooyoung deep inside him and wooyoung begging him to ride him faster and harder. he wants his thighs to burn and to hear wooyoung whining and begging him for more.

they're close. wooyoung and san pressing against each other, their lips locked and tongues moving against each other. he pulls away from wooyoung, a string of saliva connecting them, he gives him a soft peck on the lips, then another on his chin, and then san starts a trail of soft wet kisses up his jaw and to his ear. wooyoung grinds up and san moans in the younger boy's ear, giving it a small bite. wooyoung's grip tightens around his hips, his thumbs digging into the skin above his hipbones.

"wooyoung," san whines. "i want you inside me."

wooyoung curses at san's words, his hips snap up as he throws his head back exposing his neck. san kisses his adam's apple and sucks a hickey under his jaw.

"i want you to open me up with your cock and make me cum." san murmurs into his skin as he grinds down on wooyoung. "do you want that?"

"f-fuck." wooyoung cries, his eyes tearing up. "i want that so bad, want to be in you so bad."

they both cum—desperate and clinging onto one another. wooyoung cums thinking about being buried in san and san cums thinking about wooyoung deep and desperate in him.

they sit there in the afterglow, limp against each other, trying to catch their breath with san's face pressed against wooyoung's shoulder. san thinks about how much he likes this. how much he likes wooyoung's face when he cums and the pretty sounds he makes. he likes wooyoung's natural scent and the little moles scattered across his body like constellations. he likes everything about this.

what he doesn't like is the awkward air that follows. san never knows how to act or what to say afterward. they've gotten better though. san doesn't run out or pull away from wooyoung right after cumming. they've only done this three other times but san feels comfortable around him. it's hard not to. wooyoung has seen him naked and his most vulnerable state.

"you okay?" wooyoung asks his hand rubbing san's back. it feels nice.

"yeah." san answers, his cheek pressed against wooyoung's chest. he's fucked out and doesn't want to move. san notices that he likes being held by wooyoung and being soothed by him. "just a little sleepy."

"you can take a nap..." the younger boy offers. "i don't mind. my parents won't be home for a while."

so san does. he falls asleep in wooyoung's arms and his jeans that are filled with cum.

    when he wakes up wooyoung is fast asleep—head against the headboard and eyelashes incredibly long. san feels his heart rate pick up. he looks so stunning. the golden hour sun soft against wooyoung's skin and a ray of light hitting directly onto his eyes. san raises his hand to wooyoung's eyes, far enough so wooyoung won't notice but close enough to cast a shadow that protects him from the sun.

wooyoung groans and tightens his grip around san’s middle bringing him closer. wooyoung buries his face into san's neck and kisses the skin where he left a fresh hickey. san can't help but smile—despite the weird feeling in his stomach.

    for dinner san's mom tries her hand at making dango. it's too sweet for his taste but he eats it anyway and tells his mom it tastes great. he twists the skewer holding the dango with his fingers. he thinks wooyoung would like it. he has a bit of a sweet-tooth.

when he goes back to his room he sees a bunch of missed messages from the groupchat. mingi asked if anyone was going to heejin's part on saturday.

from: seonghwa  
_with this heatwave? no_

from: yeosang  
_yeah... rather not_

from: yunho  
_rather be in jongho's pool tbh..._

somehow they managed to convince the younger boy to let the six rowdy boys come over—even though his mom only really likes yunho. jongho is hesitant at first, but after everyone giving their word to be chill and yeosang promising to help clean up, he agrees.

    thursday seonghwa gets high out of his mind and goes on for an hour about hongjoong.

"he's sooooooooo pretty." seonghwa whines.

"you've said that already." san says annoyed and rolling a joint on seonghwa's math textbook.

"but he is!" seonghwa groans his face hidden in his hands. san looks down at the floor where seonghwa is laying on his back. "he has a really infectious personality, a nice smile, sparkling eyes, and he understands." he says his voice getting softer.

"understands what?"

seonghwa shrugs. "he just does."

san supposes he's the only one who doesn't.

    on friday jongho makes yeosang laugh so hard grape juice spews out of his nose. jongho kisses the side of his head in apology with a smile on his lips. yeosang ears turn a deep red and he covers his mouth to hide his shy smile.

san glances over at wooyoung who watches the pair with a smile.

he wonders if wooyoung has ever felt as hopeless and unwanted as he has while watching his best friend flirt and sleep with other people. he wonders if everyone feels that useless feeling in their stomach when their best friend smiles at anyone who isn't them, because sometimes it feels like the longing and love he has buried deep down in the pit of his stomach isn't as chaste or as platonic as he makes it out to be.

    after school, jongho corners him before he starts to make his way home. san raises his brow at the boy and wonders what the sudden urgency is.

"hey i wanted to ask you something..." jongho says nervously and obviously searching through his mind to find the best way to word everything. "so uh, seonghwa wants to invite hongjoong on saturday and i didn't want to make things awkward by saying yes if you were uncomfortable."

"why would it be awkward or uncomfortable?" san asks, his arms crossed against his chest.

"so you're okay with it?"

"i don't see why i wouldn't be." san says a bit too defensively.

he definitely isn't okay with it. he's tired of being okay with everything.

    saturday smells of sunscreen and chlorine. the hot sun stings their backs while the dry air occasional breeze sways the trees. the air is filled with laughter, yeosang's summer playlist (that's mostly shinee), and the sound of splashing water. san sits at the poolside with his caves submerged and watching jongho and wooyoung jump off the diving board. they're both the more athletic of the bunch and are doing flips and perfect dives off the board while the rest of them are doing half-assed cannonballs.

there's also this cocky air that follows wooyoung when he walks around and sits on the lounge chairs near the pool. sometimes they'll lock eyes and wooyoung's mouth will raise at the end. this time when he glances over at wooyoung, he's lying on the lounge chair with his hands tucked behind his head, and when no one is looking the younger boy winks. san rolls his eyes but he can't pretend as if his heart didn't flutter or that the blush covering his face is from the sun so he turns away.

san has always thought wooyoung was pretty. he's usually all soft giggles and pouty lips and adorable smiles—but today he's sexy. he walks around with his hair slicked back, shirtless—his chested puffed out and toned abdomen—and skin glistening and dripping with water droplets that catch the light like gold. san feels smug knowing he marked up such perfect skin and takes a sip of his drink that's watered down from all the ice with a smile on his lips.

seonghwa and hongjoong arrive when san is perched up on jongho's shoulders while wresting yeosang in a game of chicken. one minute everyone is laughing and he's so happy and the next the atmosphere is uncomfortable and unfamiliar.

yunho is the first to speak. greeting the pair who walk hand in hand.

san tries not to show it but he’s in shock. san knows that seonghwa and hongjoong are a _thing_ , but seonghwa has never brought his flings around, much less holds their hands. seonghwa doesn’t look at anyone the way he looks at hongjoong. it’s like a punch in the gut and he tries to play it off as hongjoong doesn’t bother him but it’s hard.

seonghwa introduces the smaller boy to everyone, their hands interlocked and a blinding smile plastered on his stupid face. he doesn't introduce him as his boyfriend—just as hongjoong—nothing else. he doesn't need to. everyone can see the way he shows hongjoong around like he's the most astonishing man to walk the earth and shines as he does so.

he doesn't understand. hongjoong has been a background character in his life and suddenly he gets to ride off into the sunset with seonghwa? what makes him so special? sure he's good looking but so is every other guy seonghwa has slept with. all the other boys have been gods among men: taeyang, hwanwoong, yukhei, minho, hwiyoung, the list goes on and on. the more and more san looks hongjoong he can't figure it out.

he wonders when it all happened. how did hongjoong go from being the cashier at the convenient store that seonghwa once, _once_ , said in passing was 'cute' to seonghwa’s love interest. it was so long ago that memory is faded and san can't even remember what he was wearing or why they went to seven-eleven, but he remembers it being winter. he remembers his hands being so numb that he bought hothands and that when he looked over to seonghwa his cheeks were painted pink but at the time he thought it was from the cold but apparently that was not the case. maybe that's around the time they started stopping at the store far more frequently. before the encounter, they'd drop by once in a while; snacks for a movie night or after smoking a bowl, but afterward, it felt like seonghwa just looked for excuses to stop by.

maybe this has been a long time coming and san has chosen to ignore it. either way, he doesn't understand.

    slowly the sun has begun to set and the cicadas have started to hum their song. the sky is painted a light orange that fades into pink. it casts a pretty gold against their skins as the young boys sit around on the patch of grass in jongho's backyard. their bodies heavy from a long day of swimming and clothes mostly dry. the heat has subsided, the air no longer hard to breathe and is now pleasant and almost chill against their skin.

san lays his head against jongho's shoulder as they all laugh. he's tired. he didn't swim much after seonghwa arrived with hongjoong but keeping a smile on his face and pretending not to be upset has him fatigued. jongho has his arm around san and rubbing sweet circles onto his shoulder. it's nice.

seonghwa and hongjoong are thigh to thigh and shoulder to shoulder—their smiles never leaving their face. san has never seen seonghwa smile so much, his cheeks must hurt.

san looks over at wooyoung then who meets his eyes instantly. wooyoung gives him a small smile. it's reassuring and puts san at ease. san smiles back. san knows that after a long day he can lock himself in wooyoung's room and all that stress and fatigue fades away with every kiss and touch. somehow, for some odd reason, wooyoung has that effect on him.

    hongjoong convinces them to play never have i ever. back when he was in middle school the idea of playing never have i ever was scandalous and nervewracking but as a third-year, it feels a bit boring. to his friends, san is an open book. they practically know everything about each other. all the embarrassing stories and gritty details of their sex life. he knows all there is to know but yeosang decides to spice it up by bringing out a bottle of tequila.

at first most of the questions are dumb.

_never have i ever ate my boyfriend's chips and then pretended it wasn't me._ yunho says accusingly.

mingi takes a shot.

_never have i ever canceled plans just to stay home_ seonghwa says with a devious smile as he looks at everyone sitting in the circle.

everyone takes a shot except hongjoong.

when it comes to hongjoong's turn things take a turn.

"never have i ever had sex in public."

there's a pause, the noisy pool filter whining louder than the cicadas. seonghwa is the first to take a shot.

"define sex." yunho says and hongjoong laughs.

"penetration." mingi responds.

"sex doesn't have to be penetration." yunho scoffs. "it can mean lots of different things to different people."

"well for argument sake let's say penetration." hongjoong reasons.

san looks at his friends from his relaxed position. surprisingly with all the sex san has had—and all people he's had sex with—he's never had penetrative sex outside of a bedroom or the occasional restroom. san isn't against it but exhibitionism doesn't appeal to him. he prefers to have sex in closed, safe spaces—away from everyone else. he likes to feel special and like the only person in the world. he doesn't want to worry about anyone else but his partner while having sex.

mingi and yunho do a love shot and yeosang gags when they peck each other afterward.

"wait." mingi says narrowing his eyes at jongho. "didn't you lose your virginity to that one chick behind a shed at jungeun's pool party before second-year?"

jongho's cheeks are deep red and he sends a tight smile mingi's way. "i did. didn't really want to bring that up but i did."

jongho tips his head back and downs the tequila.

seonghwa has taken at least five shots so he's a bit buzzed and leaning on hongjoong. the older boy points an empty shot glass at wooyoung.

"wooyoung your a dancer and i've dated plenty of those. i know what you guys do in locker rooms." san feels himself blush. yeah san also knows what wooyoung does in locker rooms... maybe he isn't all that opposed to exhibitionism "are you sure you shouldn't be taking a shot?"

every eye turns to wooyoung and the younger boy rubs at his inner calf at suddenly being put under a spotlight. san looks at wooyoung discretely through his fringe but they still manage to make eye contact. san can see the panic in his eyes.

"yeah i've had sex in public." wooyoung says his eyes flickering over to san. the older boy breaks their eye contact and looks at the sky that has now faded to purple. "but i've never actually had penetrative sex in public... or at all for that matter."

san tries to look as if he doesn't care but he can't. just the other day he was begging wooyoung to split him open but little did he know he was a virgin. san is so embarrassed. he wants to run away. san wants to swim to the bottom of the pool and stay there until his lungs burn and he feels a rush of panic and he has to swim to the top. he rather be anywhere but here.

"i had sex with this one dude who would hold his breath until he came." yeosang says trying to change the subject.

everyone becomes quickly engrossed by yeosang's anecdote that they don't even notice when san excuses himself to use the restroom. on his way out san nudges wooyoung with his foot and discretely gestures him to follow.

san sits on the bathroom counter in the closest restroom as he waits for wooyoung. his mind races for five minutes until wooyoung knocks once and then enters. he gives san an awkward smile before closing the door and settling against it. the restroom is small and they're only a couple of feet apart.

"hi." wooyoung says breaking the silence.

"so were you just not gonna tell me you're a virgin?" san says with his hands crossed against his chest.

"i didn't think it was that big of a deal." wooyoung says sheepishly, his shoulders coming up in a shrug and his eyes never leaving the floor. "virginity is just a social construct anyway..."

"not important." san scoffs. he slides off the counter and walks over to wooyoung. "it might not be a 'big deal' to you but to me it is."

san raises his palm to caress wooyoung's cheek. the younger boy keens at his touch and finally meets into his eyes—sparkling and bright. "don't you want your first time to be special? with someone special? someone whom you won't regret..."

"but you are special, so fucking special." wooyoung says pleadingly and desperate for san to understand. he wraps his arms around san's waist and brings him close. "san, i-i like you. a lot. and i want it to be you. only you."

wooyoung's words hit like cold water. it reminds him of the first jump he took into the pool earlier. he was hesitant at first, the water looked intimating and even though the heat stung his back and his friends were beckoning him to jump in, he was scared. the initial jump is always the hardest, but after you take that leap it gets easier.

san presses his lips to wooyoung’s, soft and sweet. when san pulls away wooyoung still has his eyes closed and dazed with his lips still pursed. san's heart flutters at the sight and he presses another kiss to them with a smile. he likes this too much, likes wooyoung too much.

"okay." san nods.

wooyoung's hands tightening around san's waist and his smile so big that wooyoung bites his lower lip to calm himself. "okay."

wooyoung's smile doesn't leave his face for the rest of the night. san thinks his cheeks must burn.

    they decide to move the party inside. the sky is far too dark and there are far too many mosquitoes to be outside. they change into dryer clothes and take advantage of the time to drink a bit more before jongho's parents come home.

by the time they finish the bottle hongjoong is slurring his words and sitting in seonghwa's lap. san rolls his eyes and looks over at yunho who's dancing around jongho's room with mingi running after him trying to get him to calm down. san slides over to wooyoung who watches the pair with a smile.

"hi." san says, his words a bit slurred and eyelids heavy.

"hey." wooyoung says softly and with a smile.

"wanna drink." san mumbles offering him the shot he's been babysitting for the twenty minutes.

"can't." wooyoung says shaking head with a frown. "got ballet in the morning."

"no fun." san says with a pout and leaning against wooyoung's side.

"you look so cute right now." wooyoung whispers close enough to san's ear where he can feel the younger boy's lips brush against it. "i wish i could kiss you."

san feels his face turn red and lets out a string of incoherent noises as a response. wooyoung smiles at him before heading over to yeosang who's drunk to the point where he's red in the face and seconds away from passing out.

    the sleeping situation is a bit complicated. mingi can only sleep with yunho at his side and mingi is the only one who has the patience to deal with drunk yunho, hongjoong is only comfortable enough around seonghwa to sleep next to, and yeosang is a stubborn drunk and is set on sleeping in jongho's bed. san and wooyoung are the only ones without a bed-mate and are left to share a makeshift bed in the small space between the foot of jongho's bed and the wall.

they lay there for a while, three feet apart and listening to their friends rustle around in their beds. jongho and yeosang are first to fall asleep, then seonghwa and hongjoong, and finally yunho tires himself out and falls asleep in mingi's arms. wooyoung waits about thirty minutes before turning on his side to face san and the older boy scoots closer. the light from the full moon filters through the bay window and fills the room. in this lighting wooyoung looks blue, not a blinding blue that comes from tvs or phone screens, but a pale blue that shines almost silver. san cups the younger's cheek and wooyoung nuzzles it with his eyes fluttered closed. san presses a kiss to each eyelid. a beautiful blue for a beautiful boy. he intertwines their fingers and san feels good, but this time he's hopeful and drunk enough to think it'll last.

    sunday morning by the velvet underground plays softly the next morning and the gentle chords have him groaning into his pillow. when san opens his eyes he automatically closes them again, the sunlight too bright and far too strong for his sensitive eyes. he regrets drinking so much the night before. after his eyes adjust the first thing he sees is the empty space next to him.

he sighs and lazily pats around in search of his cellphone that ends up being under his pillow.

_two missed calls from mom_  
_one message from wooyoung_  
_instagram: jongho tagged you in a photo_

from wooyoung:  
_my phone was dead so i borrowed your charger. hope you don't mind...  
p.s. when you're asleep you look so at peace and during sunrise you look golden, but even at midnight, you shine bright. you're unreal._

he lays there, holding wooyoung's pillow in jongho's room alone. his best friends' laughter sounding far away even though they're only down the hall, and san feels waves rock in his chest and when he closes his eyes he sees wooyoung. wooyoung laughing. wooyoung lounging around the pool. wooyoung sleeping next to him. wooyoung touching him. wooyoung underneath him. wooyoung above him. all he can think about is wooyoung and the quilt is laced with wooyoung's scent. san can't escape him even if he wanted to.

"hey san." seonghwa says as he crouches down at his feet. "breakfast is ready."

the sun shines behind seonghwa, the rays of light acting as a crown and he looks so radiant in that moment. he doesn't look real.

"yeah sure i'm coming." seonghwa smiles down at him and squeezes his ankle then exits.

the ocean in san's chest only gets worse.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry i haven't posted in forever and that this chapter is kinda shit:((((( i got really depressed and i had like two breakdowns and past trauma has come back to haunt me ah hahaha and then i got really busy and will continue to busy for the next month so updates might be slow sorryz:((( but I'M GOING TO KCON LA SO THAT'S FUCKING COOL anyways here is my [tumblr](http://miniyoonssi.tumblr.com/) and my very vacant [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/starsfelldown)


	6. emotional inertia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _“i am a cage, in search of a bird.”_  
>  ― franz kafka

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i posted a [seongjoong fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20119393) if you guys are interested in reading. it's really sad so if ur not into that stuff hahaha don't read it. also i added this work into a series bc i'm writing small little fics for the side ships in this fic. nothing too long but they're not that short either. i want to make it so someone who hasn't read this story can read it and not be confused but it still has to do with this storyline. idk lets see how it goes. but yungi will be the first couple:3  
> side note: there's some references to greek mythology so if you don't understand... sorry... and yes yeonjun from txt is in this fic. deal with it.

    the heatwave that's hit their town has reached its all-time high and no one is safe. if walls could melt then wooyoung's house would be reduced to a multicolored puddle in the middle of a beautifully kept garden with a fence keeping it from pouring out into the streets and slipping into the gutter. every time he steps outside san is hit with the burning heat that stings his skin and activates his sweat glands. it's the harsh reality that summer is near.

san’s cheek is pressed to wooyoung’s chest, his breath coming in short spurts and his eyelids incredibly heavy. the room is hot, their skin glistening with a mix of sweat, cum and water from the ice cube san ran along the insides of wooyoung's thighs and the hard lines of his chest. wooyoung had whined at how cold it was but san could tell he liked the cold sensation on his hot skin. now the chilling water is room temperature and has slid off their bodies and is being soaked up by the duvet.

"it's so hot." san complains, turning his face so his forehead is pressed against wooyoung's chest and his lips brushing against the skin as he speaks. "i feel like we're melting into each other."

"they should be coming to fix the AC in an hour."

the weather outside is scorching and the humidity unbearable. it makes the heat inside of wooyoung's room and being pressed against him worse but san finds himself too worn out from his orgasm to move.

“can you go again?” wooyoung asks staring down at him as if they hadn't just cum. san curses that dancer stamina of his, but wooyoung's traces circles into his lower back with his fingernails. his touch is addicting and lingers as a trail of goosebumps irrupts across his skin.

san is too tired. his legs feel like jelly and his muscles ache but his desire to please and be with wooyoung gives him a burst of energy. he goes to sit up on his forearm but wooyoung stops him. "i wanna suck you off."

wooyoung has gotten bold over the past couple of weeks. his inexperience and initial clumsiness has slowly eroded and has uncovered a confident, almost cocky boy, that lives to torture san with his soft hands and broad tongue. it makes san weak in the knees.

san nods dumbly and lets wooyoung shift their bodies so he's lying on top. san sighs and lets wooyoung settle in between his legs and kiss him softly. wooyoung runs his fingers across san's skin, the pads of his fingers dancing across his skin. his touch is like a million butterfly wings fluttering across his skin; something so soft and intimate that san likes.

san has always liked sex to be hard, fast, and bruising with lingering pain. something he could remember, something he could hold onto after it was over, but with wooyoung it's different. his soft hands and even softer kisses last longer than physical touch--almost like wooyoung's ringed fingers touch his soul.

he thinks all of it is weird and it kind of scares him how deeply every touch and kiss affects him because that's never happened before. sex has always just been sex and about feeling good but with wooyoung everything feels like so much more. he feels drunk with every touch. the thought of wooyoung alone kind of scares him. but he learns not to think about it. the same way he ignores a lot of things.

he ignores the warm feeling he gets from seeing wooyoung giggle across the lunch table at school the same way he avoids the questions san has been plagued with ever since graduation began to rear its ugly head.

 _where are you going to study?_  
the same school as everyone i guess...

 _what are you majoring in?_  
not sure...

_who are you?_  
_who do you want to be?_  
_who will you become?_  
_why aren't you as put together as everyone else?_  
_why are you falling apart at the seams?_

_i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know. i don't know._

but san learns wooyoung is good at distracting him with his athletic build and handsome face. wooyoung puts those intruding thoughts at bay and gives him a nice place to lay. wooyoung who shines brighter than a thousand dying suns. wooyoung who wraps his hands around san’s neck so sweetly and falls apart so easily. wooyoung who has san wrapped around his finger without either of them really knowing it.

and it's always the small things that have san breathless and dazed, like the way wooyoung smells. at school, he wears a strong cologne that's not exactly san's favorite smell but a smell he's grown to enjoy, not because he likes it, but because it reminds him of wooyoung. it's the fragrance that san smells in passing when they're out with the rest of their friends and when they don't speak a word to each other. when they pretend they aren’t spending their afternoons together getting off and napping in each other’s arms. san admits it’s not his favorite scent but one he has come to accept. he prefers the smell of wooyoung’s bed that has a permanent smell of mahogany laced into the seams of his sheets that wooyoung presses his face into when he fucks his thighs. it's a smell only he knows. at school, his fragrance is strong and alluring but after school when san stops by wooyoung smells of apples—san thinks it's his body wash or maybe his shampoo—but it mixes well with the smell of his bed. the smell is addicting and san finds himself craving it. _missing_ it.

san finds it endearing how wooyoung likes to drink chamomile after he gets home from ballet practice. it's a rare occasion when san doesn't find a mug on his bedside table. the mugs always change but wooyoung seems to like his akatsuki mug the most, but almost always the cup is empty, the only evidence left is a ring of brown on the cups rim and the occasional tea grounds.

wooyoung is also incredibly funny and even though he looks sweet and innocent he can be devious and almost mean at times. he makes jokes that aren't exactly nice but he does them with a friendly smile and enough of the truth that they're funny but don't hurt anyone's feelings. san likes them. he likes the pain in his ribs and how hard it is to breathe; he likes the way wooyoung's eyes disappear when he smiles, how impossibly high his voice gets and how he throws himself onto san's side when he's trying to catch his breath.

he also learns how passionate wooyoung really is about dancing and how serious he takes it. he practices every day after school for at least two hours, most of it not required and scheduled only because wooyoung is as stubborn as he is dedicated. san can tell some days his body is sore and muscles tender; wooyoung has strong hands, blistered feet, and bruises on his knees from practicing floor work. he's devoted and would do anything for his dance career.

"but what if it meant you'd never be able to settle down or be happy?" san asked on a cloudy afternoon high out of his mind with a joint hanging from his middle and forefinger. "would you still dance?"

wooyoung paused for a second, the hand threading through san's hair stopping and san looked up at him, his head still laying in wooyoung's lap.

"i think i would." wooyoung said seriously and then looking down at san with a slight smile, his hand beginning to find its rhythm in san's hair once again. "but i don't see why i can't have both."

but there are some things san can't ignore.

one day wooyoung's mother came home early, fortunately, they were dressed and decent, wooyoung had actually gone to grab something and his mom found san sprawled out on wooyoung's bed alone. san had been embarrassed and scrambled to get up but wooyoung's mom had only laughed and asked him to stay where he was.

"i'm glad you feel comfortable here." she said with a smile. "sometimes i feel like wooyoung still hasn't settled in. it makes me feel terrible knowing that my son isn't comfortable in his own home, but i'm glad he brings friends over... it means he's finding his place."

san wasn't sure what to say so he just nodded and watched as her face slowly fell.

"he was really upset when he found out we had to move and being so late into the term only made it worse. he begged us to let him stay." wooyoung's mom looked down at her hands, her jewelry clinking together as she rubbed them together anxiously. "but we couldn't. i tried to make things perfect for him here. i got him into a great school with a spectacular performing arts program but even then i sometimes feel like he resents me, and i don't blame him either, but he's too good of a son to show it."

san looked at the women and the sadness that radiates from her small frame. when she finally raised her eyes, she smiled at him, her lips spreading so wide that her red lips cracked, as she quickly wiped away her tears. "i'm glad you're here san."

wooyoung presses a soft kiss to his temple. "you seem distracted."

san shakes his head and threads his hands through wooyoung's platnium hair. "i'm fine." san shrugs and smiles at the way wooyoung's brown eyes look golden from the light filtering through the blinds. "just thinking about homework."

"while i'm trying to suck your dick?"

san chuckles, his eyes trained on how the the strands of wooyoung's hair glisten. it reminds san of the way the sun reflects off a lake or beach; mundane yet so beautiful. "maybe you're just doing a bad job," he teases.

and wooyoung throws his head back, letting out a laugh that fills the stuffy room, his throat long and strong. san runs his finger along the column and keeps going until the pads of his finger reaches wooyoung's navel.

"come down here and show me you're worth my attention jung wooyoung."

san expected to spend the last two weeks of school doing nothing but that has not been the case. most of his teachers are still assigning work and even tests. his peers are all panicked and determined to do well in their last days as high school students so san spends most of his days at jongho's house studying--or at least that's what his parents think. to be fair, he does spend some time at jongho's and he does revise for a bit but in actuality, he spends most of the time studying the dips and curves of wooyoung's body and memorizing every freckle and sweet spot. but he does a lot of teaching a well.

he teaches wooyoung how to finger himself properly. he coaches him over the phone on how to open himself in a way that isn't so uncomfortable and pleasurable, and san loves how eager wooyoung is to learn. he sends videos of himself finger fucking himself open and calling out san's name that san plays over and over again until he has the video embedded into the back of his eyelids. when they're together wooyoung sits on his lap, sucking on san's fingers as if they're a cock so the older boy's boney fingers are lubed up to stretch him open. san likes watching wooyoung fall apart, desperate to find his prostate and his thighs almost giving out when he does. he loves hearing wooyoung cry and beg for him. it makes san hot with desire and a possessive.

wooyoung also learns how to finger san and has gotten painfully good at it, but san has always liked to give rather than receive. he isn't too sure if it's because no one ever really offered or because his partners have always wanted him to do it, but with wooyoung he likes watching. he likes the way he looks when he's bobbing his head up and down on san's girth and the way his brow furrows and eyes are screwed tight. he takes pleasure in how wooyoung's eyes pool with tears when san pushes his cock a little too far or thrusts a little too quickly. he likes the way wooyoung moans around him. he likes the heat of his mouth and the flicks of his tongue. he likes it when wooyoung touches him. he likes being with wooyoung. even if he's scared to admit.

san moans, his heels digging into the white duvet as wooyoung takes him down all the way to hilt. san pulls on wooyoung's hair and cries at the pleasure.

"fuck. feels so good. you're so good for me." san huffs as wooyoung whines at the praise. "you take cock so well baby."

"only for you." wooyoung mumbles out as he rubs san's dick over his cheek, the trail of saliva and precum wetting his cheek. "all this for you and only you." wooyoung often gets like this. says shit that makes it seem like they're one another's but san doesn't pay it any mind. he knows it's all sex talk.

wooyoung rubs san's head across his wet lips. _mine_ , he whispers. san groans and pushes his leaking head past wooyoung's swollen lips and into the heat of his mouth. but san can't pretend he doesn't like it. he basks in the idea that wooyoung has never been touched the way san has touched him. no one has seen wooyoung with a cock in his mouth and no one knows how much he likes the taste of cum; no one else but san. there are 7.53 billion people on this earth and only san gets to pull on wooyoung's hair and cum on his face.

somehow though, that thought as much as it thrills him, terrifies him. san is the only person that has held and kissed wooyoung the way he has. wooyoung has only felt his warmth under the thin sheets of his bed and his lips on his dick. he's the only one. and that's a lot of responsibility on san's end. it's scary. the thought of wooyoung wanting to lose his virginity to him is even more terrifying. but san does what he usually does and ignores the situation entirely.

san is a bamboo leaf, slowly collecting raindrops on its waxy skin and wooyoung the last drop that causes him to bend and break, but until then san decides to take everything in stride and stand tall before he falls apart.

-

    "but why would someone need to buy so much stationary?" san asks as he cleans his mouth with the cloth placed on the table. "school is over this week."

san's dad shrugs and washes down his lasagna with a drink of water before speaking. "it was just some foreign exchange student who decided to stalk up before heading back home. apparently the stationary here is of better quality."

san feels his brows scrunch together and his forehead crease. isn't all stationary the same? the same way all throw pillows are as equally useless no matter their price or color? what's the difference between 0.5 and .07 ballpoint pens? why does anyone need five of the same pen? all pens write the same. san doesn't seem to understand his father's fascination with hot/cold pressed paper or the trendy characters they plaster on notepads. san can't be bothered with the different quality of led nor the sizes or how smooth they write.

he doesn't understand how his life can revolve around something so simple. san begins to wonder if this was always his dream or if he wanted to become a football star like jongho or a poet like yeosang. he wonders if his dad is content with his life the way it is or if he has regrets. san wonders if he'll end up the same and if he does would he find away to be content with how his life plays out.

"san." his mother calls, the back of a pair of wooden chopsticks slapping against his forehead. "how many times do i have to tell you to stop scrunching up your face like that? you're going to get wrinkles just like that shirt of yours. i swear i don't know what they have you doing in that school of yours that always has you looking so disheveled."

san rubs at the reddening spot on his forehead and thinks about how ridiculous it is to have chopsticks at an italian restaurant.

-

    the third day leading up to graduation wooyoung calls him and says they can't hang out. he says it softly and in secretive tone. san stops in his tracks. he had just left jongho's house and was heading to wooyoung's.

"oh," san says dumbly.

"my friend from jeju came for my graduation and he's going to be staying with me."

"you're not obligated to give me an explanation, you know." san says a bit too harshly. "it's not like i'm your boyfriend or anything."

"i just wanted to let you know." wooyoung says defeated at the sound of san's voice. "i didn't want to waste your time."

"whatever." san says annoyed, not exactly knowing why, but immediately placing the blame on wooyoung.

"please don't be upset with me." wooyoung says softly.

"i have no reason to be."

"alright san." wooyoung finally says. "i gotta go. message me when you don't have a stick up your ass."

before san can say anything wooyoung hangs up. it takes san a good thirty seconds to process it and then he feels himself burn slowly within.

san stands on the sidewalk, the sun burning a bright yellow that stings and blinds him. he's at a loss, he isn't too sure what he should do. he usually spends his afternoons at wooyoung's and before that, all his time was spent at seonghwa's. but now his best friend is too busy with work to hang out and on his days off he's too busy fucking hongjoong to answer his calls. yeosang and jongho are studying for a calculus test so he decides to hit up mingi.

mingi and yunho are a two in one package. if san wants to hang out with yunho then it's a given mingi will come. if he wants to tell mingi a secret he might as well tell yunho because they're incapable of keeping anything from another. san has never had a problem with it and after knowing the pair and how they are he no longer feels awkward or like a third-wheel when he's with them. yunho and mingi are one in san's head and he doesn't know whether it's a good or bad thing but he that's what they are to him.

mingi passes san the blunt, letting the smoke pass through his lips as yunho drapes himself over mingi's lap. "yeah i bought this stuff off of chanhee. i liked my old plug but he got cleaned out and is moving away pretty soon." mingi says. " i found chanhee through hyunjin. he's pretty cool. gave me a discount."

"isn't that taeyang's cousin or something?" san says on the plush carpet, his fingers running along the plush shag and eyes squinting as he tries to recall the hazy past. he vaguely remembers seonghwa's ex mentioning a chanhee once or maybe not, he's had a little too much to smoke.

"no i think they were just really good friends." yunho recalls. "taeyang is really hot. him and seonghwa were such a hot couple." mingi hums in agreement.

san watches the pair as they talk and smoke. he watches the way yunho stares straight into mingi's eyes as he shotguns puffs of smoke into his mouth, his hand delicate on the back of his neck and thumb against his jaw. it's not something he hasn't seen or done before but now it feels oddly intimate. they kiss and touch as if san wasn't even there. yunho strokes and kisses mingi's arms that are exposed from his black tank top. they gravitate towards one another without noticing and compliment each other so well. mingi sits there smiling and content to be the center of yunho's world.

he thinks of wooyoung then, and how they've never been like that. sure, they're intimate and please one another, but their touches are nothing like yunho and mingi's. they don't smile when they kiss nor do they share innocent glances or touches. wooyoung and san don't hold each other like they're afraid to hurt one another. wooyoung is the cool dry air coming to meet the moist hot air that is san and together they create a tornado that will eventually destroy everything in their path. san knows this and chooses to do nothing about it, but watching his friends he feels a yearning deep within him. he wonders if wooyoung and he could ever be like that. innocent and in love.

he pulls out his phone and sends wooyoung a text.

to wooyoung:  
_sorry about earlier..._  
_hope ur having fun_

he pockets his phone and tunes back into the latest gossip. san doesn't care much about the lives of his peers (why should he?) but he's a fan of mingi's storytelling. he tends to exaggerate and uses a lot of hand gestures and his eyes sparkle and get big as he explains everything in oddly specific details. even if he could go without knowing that the head of the science department has a binder full of feet pics but mingi's expressions make it worthwhile. he's so enraptured in the story he almost forgets about the text and his phone burning a hole in his pocket. but it doesn't matter the number of ridiculous rumors mingi tells him nothing can distract him from the fact that wooyoung never texts him back.

    the next day san is late to lunch because his professor asked him to stay back and help clean the room so by the time he gets to their usual lunch spot the only spot open is next to wooyoung. san sighs and sets his tray down and slides next to him. wooyoung spares him the fastest glance and then goes back to his conservation with mingi.

seonghwa leans next to him and smiles as he wipes away some chalk he has on his cheekbone. "you're so nice for helping that old man clean up. such a good boy." seonghwa says as he pinches sans cheeks playfully and san curses himself for blushing at the praise.

"wait! i wanna see!" yunho exclaims as he pushes his boyfriend aside to get a look at wooyoung.

both san and seonghwa turn their direction towards the commotion next to them. wooyoung has his hands covering the small sliver of skin on his neck his collared shirt isn't covering. "it's nothing!" he exclaims, trying his best to cover the love bite san gave him a few days ago. "i burnt myself with the straightener."

"i don't know." mingi giggles. "that looks like a hickey to me."

it is a hickey--one that earned san a hard punch to the shoulder because wooyoung has trouble covering them up and explaining them, but san had been to wrapped up in the moment to care. 

"wait. you don't even straighten your hair." yeosang accuses. "are you sure it wasn't yeonjun?"

is that the name of his "friend" that came to visit? yeonjun? san can see how red wooyoung's face is under everyone's gaze and how his eyes stay trained on his thighs.

"wait didn't you date a guy named yeonjun?" jongho says from across the table.

"wooyoung!" yunho yells scandalized. "here i thought you were a blushing virgin."

san watches as wooyoung's leg bounces up and down anxiously as their friends speculate around him. he can see he's trying hard to keep it together and without really thinking about it san slides his hand around the back of wooyoung's neck and soothes the soft skin.

"come on guys, you act like you've never seen a hickey before." he says as casually as he can. "wooyoung is old enough to make his own decisions. isn't that right?"

san smiles down at wooyoung who looks up at him, the panic in his eyes slowly starting to settle. "yeah. i am."

    after school, wooyoung corners him and tries to explain that yeonjun is just a friend and that yes, they had been very well acquainted, but that there was nothing there. san watches him and the panic in his eyes and the way his pupils dance as he tries so desperately to explain to the older boy. san places a hand on wooyoung's shoulder and wooyoung relaxes at the touch.

"it's alright." san says calmly. "besides you and yeonjun are none of my business."

wooyoung seems to deflate at that. "san-" but san doesn't even let him finish.

"i gotta go." he says giving wooyoung's shoulder one last squeeze. "i promised my parents i'd watch the store."

-

    graduation comes faster than expected. it all happens in a matter of seconds so there isn't much time to process anything, the weight and significance of the moment are lost in time. one moment he's sitting in homeroom dozing off as his classmates pass out yearbooks and the next he's standing on a stage, blinded by a flashing light, as he's being handed his certificate. he can't help but think, is this it? he spent all his time in an uncomfortable wooden desk studying, his free time in the library, and spent his parents' money on tutors and tuition for this? even after all that time and effort, his rank wasn't very impressive. it wasn't enough to get into the top schools but enough to get into one of the better schools. his parents are proud of his school of choice and rank, but they would have been happier if he had been a top student or part of the student council or some club representative.

after the ceremony, there is a bouquet shoved into his hands and another flashing light--this time it's from his mom's cellphone. his mom kisses his cheek, too moved to speak anything coherent without spilling tears, and his dad pulls him into a hug. _i'm so proud_ , he says. his stomach drops then, but he smiles for another picture.

in the crowd, he finds wooyoung, like he always does, but this time he's wearing his crisp school uniform with very subtle makeup and a blinding smile. he looks stunning. san watches as he falls into someone else's arms from afar and he expects them to be his mom or dad's but it ends up being someone around their age. san assumes it's yeonjun. he's good looking, tall, and has caring eyes. the boy holds wooyoung like he's something precious and worth protecting. wooyoung's parents look at them fondly as yeonjun presses a kiss to wooyoung's temple. part of him is jealous but the other half of him is hopeful. maybe after what he and wooyoung have is over and yeonjun will lift the younger boy out of dirt and polish him into the diamond he's capable of being.

san excuses himself then and takes one last walk to the football field. the dewy grass is freshly cut and the smell is thick in the air, his shiny black shoes picking up the water droplets as he walks, leaving his feet completely soaked. he stands behind the bleachers and lights a joint for the last time at his secret spot, for old time sake. he blows rings of smoke in the air, his head falling back against the cold railing and sighs. the smoke is blown away by a breeze and slowly the cloud is reduced into nothingness. san takes one last drag and takes in his surroundings for the last time, before heading back to the shit-show that is graduation day.

    after the big ceremony is over there is a fancy dinner with his family. they all look at him fondly while he stares off into the distance slightly stoned. his favorite restaurant, his favorite food, and endless praise and yet san still doesn't feel happy and the food taste sour in his mouth. it feels undeserved.

-

from seonghwa:  
_are you going to wooyoung's party?_

that was the real question, isn't it? if he was going to wooyoung's party or not.

of course, wooyoung had invited him as soon as his parents announced they were going out of town and alluded to the idea of wooyoung having a "few" friends over. the younger boy had been hesitant while yeonjun began making plans on the spot. he sneaked into the hallway to call san as yeonjun was on the phone in the room trying to convince his older brother that buying alcohol for a bunch of under aged teens was a good deed and not one of recklessness.

"do you think you'll be able to come?" wooyoung spoke to san as if he was scared to upset him. he danced around the older boy tentatively and scared he'd say the wrong thing and get the cold shoulder. san couldn't help but think that this wasn't how it was supposed to be. their relationship is so fucked up but san can't put a label on whatever they are, much less know how to fix it. so he just listened to wooyoung stumble on his words and watched him do pretty pirouettes around the situation.

"i don't know i promised my mom i would watch the shop this weekend." san had lied, his tone dismissive and cold. he had wanted wooyoung to beg him to go but suddenly he could hear yeonjun cheer and call wooyoung over. "actually i gotta go, besides, you seem kinda busy."

"you know, you can be a real dick sometimes." wooyoung said finally exhausted of san's bad attitude. "if you're going to asshole don't even bother coming."

he supposes that going to wooyoung's party won't be all that bad. it isn't like he'll get a chance to be alone with him and they keep to themselves for the most part when others are around. he holds onto a shred of hope that somehow they'll end up in each other's orbit. that they'll eventually fall into one another once again and that wooyoung will get trapped into his gravitational pull and never leave his side. that they'll laugh and kiss and drink and do all the stuff that yunho and mingi do.

but he doubts that'll be the case.

though, if san closes his eyes and is truly honest with himself, wooyoung is slowly becoming the center of his galaxy.

to: seonghwa  
_yeah. pregame at urs?_

from: seonghwa  
_ayyyyye alright:3  
i'll text you the details_

san gets to seonghwa's apartment and finds his dad smoking on the porch. he's still in his work clothes, covered in motor oil and dirt from a long day of working at the car repair shop; the circles around his eyes have gotten darker with all the overtime he's had and his hair damp with sweat. he nods at san--the closest thing he'll get to a smile--and crushes the cigarette that was dangling from his lips into the ashtray. it's an old habit he's recently picked up once again, unfortunately.

"you boys going out?" he grits out, his lungs burning after the smoke from his last drag not going down well. strangely, at that moment, with the fading pink light of the golden hour glowing against his skin, he looks a lot like seonghwa. he isn't too sure if it's because of the way his black hair frames his face or the way his brows scrunch up a bit. most days, san would say seonghwa barely looks like his dad, the only thing tying them together is a handful of mannerisms, his hair, and expressions. san has always assumed that seonghwa looks like his mother, but at that moment seonghwa is the spitting image of his dad.

"yes sir." san says.

he nods as if he's processing san's response. he leans back against the chair and crosses his arms. "hongjoong and seonghwa are inside already if you wanna head in."

"oh thank you." san says with a smile. san doesn't make a move to leave, he's known seonghwa's dad for long enough to read his body language that there's something on the tip of his tongue. so without any words, he encourages him to ask whatever has been bothering him.

"are you seonghwa and okay? i haven't seen you around as much. he brings hongjoong home a lot, but i mean, i don't want to assume anything, but i think that's because they're together. but you're his best friend, right?" he says the sky now a more purple than pink, the blueish light coming from the dingy porch light creating strange contours and shadows along his features. "i just haven't seen you around, wanted to know if you guys are okay. if _you're okay_."

for some reason, this strikes a chord with san. there's suddenly a knot in his throat and he finds it hard to talk. he nods though, to convince them both that he _is_ alright.

"yeah just been a bit busy."

his dad nods and they exchange a few more words before he heads inside.

    seonghwa is far more meticulous than he leads on and far more diligent than people think. if they're planning a hangout, seonghwa is the one who takes on the role of listing off what is needed and distributing who brings what. he never gets totally fucked up at parties because he likes to watch over them and make sure they're all okay. he plans and organizes things to a t. san thinks it comes from being an only child and being the hyung of the group but also from being raised by a strict, white-gloved woman like his grandmother. but he's absolute shit at reading other's emotions and has no social cue so he doesn't even bat an eyelash at how deflated san looks when he walks into the room. he just offers him a drink.

seonghwa has two grams of weed and some tequila hongjoong stole from work. the tequila is enough to get them buzzed and the grams should get the three of them through the night. san was kind of hoping that there would be someone else. that maybe jongho or mingi and yunho would tag along but no. it's just the three of them. the room feels off-balanced. or maybe san is so used to being the one squished next to seonghwa on his twin bed and being held by him that it all feels foreign to him. but no matter how hard he tries, he can't bring himself to hate or dislike hongjoong.

he's sweet is the thing. he offers to roll because he knows seonghwa is terrible at it and can see that san isn't in the best mood. he's also kind of funny in his own way. his smile is also really nice, all teeth and his eyes disappear as he does it. his laugh is really cute too, very fitting of his personality, and he grabs onto seonghwa's arm when he laughs. seonghwa also looks happy around him; a happiness that reaches his eyes and brightens his face--a joy san didn't think seonghwa was capable of obtaining, not after his grandmother passed.

but here he was, with that pained smile, one of his biggest insecurities that he tries to hide with the back of his palm, but now it's on full display and all because of hongjoong.

san decides that he doesn't hate hongjoong nor how much he loves seonghwa, but the fact that seonghwa will never look at him or love him the way he loves hongjoong. and san can only hope that he'll come to accept that one day.

    if san thought seonghwa and hongjoong were gross behind closed doors, well they're nauseating in public. seonghwa has always been the jealous type, as he's grown and gone through various relationships he's simmered down, but hongjoong is incredibly sexy and he's absolutely sinful when he dances. somehow this sparks something in seonghwa that san hasn't seen in a while. as soon as hongjoong is dancing along to 90s r&b, seonghwa is right behind him. he has his hand on the younger boy's hip at all times and litters kisses along the line of his neck to get the point across to anyone whose eyes linger too long on the sway of hongjoong's hips. but san can't blame any of them. hongjoong is incredibly breathtaking when he dances. even san is lost in the dip of his back and the way he devilishly licks his lips.

seeing wooyoung's house filled to the brim is throwing him off. san accustomed to his large house being empty and the echoing of his feet on the titles that follow him to wooyoung's room that the booming bass of the music has thrown him off his axis. but san is far more occupied with the crippling weight on his chest to be caught in a trance. they've been here for thirty minutes and san has yet to see wooyoung. it's not like he _wants_ to see him but he did come all this way.

the shot he took earlier has now worn off and so has the drags he took from hongjoong's blunt. he watches from a quiet, less compact corner he deemed his own as seonghwa presses hongjoong against the nearest wall and proceeds to shove his tongue down his mouth. san is beginning to think that seonghwa's less jealous and just plain horny, but either way he takes it as a cue to grab another drink.

he squeezes his way through the crowd an in effort to make his way to the kitchen. he can hear mingi cheering on yunho who's probably doing a keg stand in the living room or playing beer pong or something. the beer has been sitting out in a tub of ice for most of the afternoon and they're well into the night now so the beer cans are just sitting in lukewarm water at this point. san grimaces and decides he's better off sober.

"there are some cold ones in the fridge." someone says from behind him. he turns and sees yeonjun. he has a boyish charm to him that oozes mischief, his hair pushed back and a button-up opened and revealing his tanned torso. "don't tell anyone though, they're my secret stash." he winks.

"thanks." san says as he accepts the cold can that yeonjun pulls out discretely from the last drawer of the refrigerator.

"it's alright." yeonjun shrugs, opening his own. "no one likes warm beer."

yeonjun gives him one last smile before going back to the large mass. san's eyes follow him in hopes that he'll catch a glimpse of wooyoung, but the further he walks the less san sees of him and when he can only see the top of his head he decides to give it up. but not even five minutes later he hears distant chanting that piques his interest. he weaves through the crowd and follows the incoherent chant. finally, he finds a circle of people in a dim room with colorful lights coming from the stringed lights above. they're all surrounding a coffee table that wooyoung is dancing on chanting his name.

he's swiveling his hips and grabbing at his belt as he turns, the chains attached to it catching the blue and red lights from above. his hair is styled back, a stray strand of hair falling onto his forehead and the tight leather of his pants leaving little to the imagination. he looks stunning, nothing new, but there's this alluring sense of confidence that has exploded and san only ever sees a fraction of it when they're at parties and wooyoung is dancing. he's in his element and it's the most attractive thing san has ever seen and of course, everyone is foaming at the mouth from how much they want him. girls and guys alike cheer him on and talk about how much they want to fuck him and san that has had him fall apart at his hands has let him slip from them.

wooyoung lets his hand travel down his chest until he reaches the hem of his shirt, the girl besides san screams at the sight. he brings his shirt up, a smirk on his lips as he teases the crowd with his defined abdomen and if san squints he can see the hickey he left on his right hipbone from the last time they were here in his house, alone.

the crowd chants wooyoung's name and he eats it up. he likes the way people stare at him and long for him. san releases then that wooyoung likes being desired but he loves being untouchable and out of all these people wooyoung wanted san.

san who thinks his face is angled awkwardly and his laugh doesn't match his personality. san who has been living his entire life up to now in complete complacently and without any ambition. somehow the golden boy that causes people to fumbled their words and trip over their feet saw him and said, _"him. i want him."_ and even in this large crowd san somehow manages to catch wooyoung's eye and those five seconds seem eternal. san can feel his wooyoung's energy change and that stings just a bit.

san decides it's time to go. and just how the crowd's cheering lured him in, it chases him away too, but along with it brings an epiphany he can't outrun.

he doesn't deserve to be with wooyoung or touch him or even be in his house right now. but san can't find himself to walk out the front door and instead walks through wooyoung's bedroom door instead.

the familiar smell strangely comforts him. san sighs as he plops down on wooyoung's bed and lets himself fall against it.

he misses wooyoung and he feels vulnerable admitting it but he does. he misses wooyoung's soft touch and how he giggles when san's eyelashes tickle his skin. he wishes he was better at expressing himself. he wishes he could tell wooyoung the way he feels but he can barely make sense of it himself. but he knows how much he wishes wooyoung were here. he wishes wooyoung could hold him and kiss his shoulder and whisper that everything will be okay.

and he falls asleep then, clutching onto a pillow that smells of mahogany and wooyoung's shampoo.

-

    an hour or two later san is startled awake by the sound of the door. he looks over and finds wooyoung.

"you shouldn't be in here." wooyoung says flatly, his back pressed against the door and hand on the knob--as if he's ready to escape at any moment.

"sorry, seeing so many people in your house at once was a little weird." san says truthfully. "it's usually just the two of us and i just needed to get away for a bit."

wooyoung sighs and goes over to his desk and sits on the rolling chair. san sits up and hugs the pillow to his chest. the party continues to rage on outside the door of wooyoung's room but in between these four walls, it feels so quiet.

"yeah." wooyoung says letting his head fall back. "believe it or not it's a little weird for me too. all these people in my house are kind of bothering me."

silence falls on them once again and san has never been so eager to break it. wooyoung has always been the one to start the conversation and tell him about his day or ask him about his own, so san is at a loss. so he says the first thing that comes to his mind. the thing that has been plaguing his mind.

"i've missed you." san says, his eyes concentrating on his knees. he wonders if this is how wooyoung feels when he avoids san's gaze. wooyoung has always been so open with his emotions and san keeps him in the dark to how he feels. but now san is the one coming to wooyoung with his guard down.

it's quiet for a second and then san hears the squeak of the chair and san is convinced wooyoung is heading for the door. and san waits for the click of the knob so he can fall apart, but then he can feel the dip in the mattress next to him. he sighs and then feels wooyoung's fingers on his chin bringing his face up. wooyoung is suddenly centimeters away and his eyes staring into his own.

"i missed you too." wooyoung says and san melts. he spreads his leg so his thigh is pressed against wooyoung's because he wants his warmth. "i didn't think you'd miss me though."

"i did. a lot." san says his eyes closing as wooyoung's hand settles on his neck and he feels the brush of his nose against his own. "and i'm sorry for how i treat you sometimes. i don't know how to express myself and it makes me come off as a dick."

"it's okay." wooyoung laughs, his breath hitting san's face and his palm gently squeezing the older boy's neck. "i'm just glad you came. i wanted to see you."

suddenly there's a weird flutter in his upper body like a warm liquid has been poured into his chest. he also feels like crying but he would never live it down so he pushes past it. but he does scoot closer and breathes wooyoung in. he wants to crawl into his skin and kiss his bones and caress his skin. and he realizes how creepy that sounds but he doesn't care.

when he opens his eyes and meets wooyoung's large sparkling eyes. san finds himself smiling and brings his palm up to his cheek. "i really did miss you." san says softly as he presses his cheek to wooyoung's neck. san presses a kiss to the skin that connects his neck and shoulder. and san feels wooyoung smile at that. he wraps his arms around san's waist and pulls him down onto the bed.

they lay there together, for what seems like hours, holding each other and touching. they talk about what they did the week they were apart and random shit they were waiting to tell each other. it's nice and it makes san's insides warm. it feels natural. their legs are tangled together and hands intertwined. he watches wooyoung smile as he talks about a funny anecdote that involves yeonjun's older brother.

"and then he just left us there." wooyoung says in between breaths. "so then we had to walk home with a shit-ton of alcohol, hoping a cop didn't catch us, all because yeonjun pissed minho off!"

san can't help but smile and rub his thumb across wooyoung's hand as he talks. funny story or not, hearing wooyoung's loud giggles has made him incredibly happy. having him close again has filled an empty space that he left with his absence.

san cups the younger boy's face and presses a light kiss to his lips. wooyoung smiles into the kiss and wraps his arms around san, pressing them closer.

wooyoung's eyes are different from the other times they've been in this position and his kiss is different too. san can taste the lemonade smirnoff and longing. the younger boy's touch is not as rushed and frantic as san is used to. he runs his fingers across san's skin like he's mapping it out and san's toes curl when wooyoung's tongue slowly slides next to his own. he gasps into wooyoung's mouth when his cold hand slips under his shirt. he missed this too.

but they don't go past the point of kissing. just some giggling and lingering touches that make their hearts flutter. they only break apart when wooyoung can't take it anymore and has to change out of his leather pants. san watches him from the bed fondly as he kicks out of his pants and since he's already on his feet he turns off the lights and switches on his bedside table. he opens his arms for wooyoung when he makes his way back onto the bed and the younger boy falls into them.

they fall asleep like that: with the soft orange glow of wooyoung's lamp illuminating their soft and languid kisses, the brushing of their legs when they intertwine, and san in wooyoung's arms with his face pressed into his chest listening to his heartbeat.

-  
    the morning brings with it a soft wash of rain that settles the extreme heat that has invested their town. the room is cool and san snuggles into the warmth radiating off of wooyoung. san settles against his body, his leg slotted in between wooyoung's and his cheek pressed against his chest--his favorite place to be. he sleepily presses a kiss to the warm skin, the soft pitter-patter of rain making him come to. his eyes finally flutter open to see the room is a gray from the cloudy sky outside and wooyoung soft eyes staring down at him. san can't help but smile. his arms squeeze around his body and wooyoung's gentle hands push the hair out of san's face.

"good morning." wooyoung smiles, his voice lower and raspy.

"morning." san smiles, taking in a breath. "how long have you been awake?"

wooyoung shrugs and presses himself closer to san. "a while. how did you sleep?"

san feels his lips turn at wooyoung's dopey smile. he presses up and kisses the younger boy's lips. "slept alright, but you kinda snore..."

"no i don't!" wooyoung exclaims as he pushes at san shoulder indignantly.

"but you do." san says continuing to tease and rile the boy up until he has san pinned underneath him.

their clothed chests are flushed together and wooyoung's body slotted between san's legs as they kiss. it starts off innocent and playful but slowly it takes a turn as their kisses become hot and heavy until they're pulling apart for more air. wooyoung's lips are always plump but after they kiss they look swollen and sleek with spit. the residue eyeliner from the night before is now smudged and if it was anyone else he would look but it's wooyoung and he looks beautiful.

wooyoung's hand slips under his shirt and san breath hitches and his stomach caves. san can feel the heat bellow starting to grow and he imagines the younger boy is the same. wooyoung looks so good above him and he looks content being there. san lays beneath him, plaint and accepting anything wooyoung is willing to get him. wooyoung licks into san's mouth, their tongues meeting before their lips do as his hand settles on the arch of his rib cage.

san likes to kiss dirty. he likes there to be saliva, tongue, and biting and wooyoung is gives him exactly what he wants. tilting his head the way san taught him and running his tongue along san's favorite spots.

san wraps his legs around wooyoung's hips, bringing him down and their hips flushed together. san can feel wooyoung's length and how it brushes against his own. they both moan and san's hips hitching up, wanting to feel wooyoung's thick cock on his own. wooyoung only has the thin material of his boxers that separate him from the friction but san strains against his jeans. san grinds against up seeking relief but no matter how much he presses against wooyoung he can't seem to be close enough.

wooyoung steps back and to takes off his shirt and san does the same. he settles back against the bed the sheets; the warmth of the plush bed consuming him. san wraps his arms around wooyoung when he comes back down and sighs as the younger boy begins to kiss at his neck. "you're so beautiful." he says.

san wants to say something back like how much he missed wooyoung and his teeth biting against his skin or how he settles so comfortably around him, but at this point it would be redundant, so san just closes his eyes and takes it all in.

wooyoung kisses down his body, open mouthed and stopping to make pretty little marks every so often. his hands slide down san's long thin torso until it reaches the top of his jeans. san whines as wooyoung's mouth settles on his nipple, his broad tongue and grazing teeth cruel against the skin. each flick and lick causing him to buck up and pull harder on wooyoung's hair. wooyoung's hand begins to rub him through his jeans. san melts against the touch, whining after finally feeling the relief he wanted and how good the touch feels.

wooyoung's mouth unlatches from his shiny nipple and goes to press a hot kiss against san's lips. his hands go to unbuttons san's jeans, his hardening dick finally relieved and out of his briefs. san thinks there's something inexplicably hot about getting a handjob while still having jeans on. maybe it's the thrill or all the times he's fantasized about someone slipping their hand down his pants in public, but it turns san on and makes him cant his hips up.

wooyoung's thumb rubs at his glistening head; a high pitched whine falling from san's lips as his head rolls to the side, cheek hitting the pillow, and his hand grasping the sheets. the younger's hand works him up and down his length and it feels so good. san can't even kiss wooyoung properly, just pants into his mouth as the other licks and bites at his lips. wooyoung's hand picks up speed and san's body can barely keep up with the stimulation, all he can do is thrust up into his hand.

"fuck. i want you so bad." wooyoung curses, his eyes hard and intense. "thought about you all week. missed you so much." and that makes something bloom in san's chest. he's never taken anything anyone has ever told him during sex seriously but wooyoung has always been different. "couldn't stop watching those videos and pictures of us. love how you sound."

"wooyoung." san whines as wooyoung bites his neck.

"you always sound so pretty for me. thought about fucking you and how'd you sound taking my cock." wooyoung grunts as his thumb digs into the slit of san's head causing him to convulse. 

"a-hh. wooyoung fuck me."

wooyoung freezes at that and looks up at san with big saucer like eyes. "w-what?"

"please." san begs, bucking up to fuck into wooyoung's tight fist. "i want you in me."

wooyoung takes a deep breath and nods. "okay." wooyoung gets serious at that moment, his hands placed on the sides of san's head and his gaze burning. "but i don't want you to think about anyone else."

san feels himself run cold for a second. he knows that wooyoung is referring to seonghwa. wooyoung eyes are sincere and honest, his demeanor so raw and san feels guilty.

he never thought of wooyoung as someone who gets insecure about others or that the odd nameless feelings san has for seonghwa bothers him. that's the thing about being so engrossed and infatuated with someone, you put them on a pedestal and from the ground you can't see their insecurities and flaws.

"you're the only one i can think of." san cradles his head in between his hands, looking into those shining eyes of his before gently kissing the younger boy's lips, almost apologetically. "you're the only one i want. only you."

and it's not a lie. wooyoung is special to san. he intertwines with his soul and holds his heart in his precious hands even though seonghwa's name is engraved onto the side. sure, seonghwa is special to san but wooyoung is the start of spring and the smell of sandalwood. he's the light sea breeze that tosses his hair and caresses his face. and though he will forever hold seonghwa dear wooyoung is worth more than bronze, silver and gold.

"okay." wooyoung says his lips pulling up at the corner. "deflower me pretty boy."

so they fumble around looking for lube wooyoung hid away so his parents wouldn't find it. but it was a while back ago and he hid it so well that he failed to remember where he had placed it. san took that time to kick his jeans off and tucks himself away into his boxers before standing up to help look for the lube. it ends up being in some shoebox in wooyoung's closet and when they find it they run back to bed.

now they're back in bed and wooyoung is three fingers deep into san's ass. the drag is slow and the rhythm lazy, the younger boy focused more on opening san up rather than pleasure. wooyoung is staring at him like he wants to devour him and san relishes that feeling. his fingers fill san so good and he wants wooyoung deep in him.

"you ready?" wooyoung asks, his gaze shifting to san's eyes and down at his fingers nervously.

"yeah." san nods a bit far gone and too turned on and needy to say much else.

wooyoung then puts on the condom, his hands only shaking a little as he rolls it onto his length. he lathers himself with a decent amount of lube, hissing at the sensation and giving himself a few pumps. he looks down at san nervously and san gives him a reassuring kiss on his nose.

"take it slow alright?" san says as wooyoung settles in between his legs. he can tell that he's nervous so he runs his hands up his biceps soothingly. "no need to rush."

wooyoung nods and bites his lip as he aligns himself with san's entrance. san can feel the spongy head of his cock at his opening and gasps when his lubed head pressed against him. he's so eager to get fucked but he knows he needs to take things slow for wooyoung.

wooyoung takes a breath before finally pushing in, his length and girth pushing past the bit of resistance he's met with. san closes his eyes and relaxes his body. "fuck." wooyoung breathes out against his ear as he bottoms out and tries to adjust to san's heat and tightness.

san is almost as overwhelmed as wooyoung. it's been a while since he's had anything bigger than his fingers so wooyoung's cock takes some adjusting to. but it feels good. having the younger inside him like this is something he's thought about countless nights and finally having him inside is otherworldly. everything is so hot and he feels so full.

"you're so tight." wooyoung's voice is down a few octaves and his core flexed.

once he adjusts to wooyoung's length settled deep within him san encourages him to move. wooyoung's starts off with small shallow thrusts, his dick rubs against his walls at a slow rhythm. 

the thing about sex is that it's vulnerable on both ends. people often think that the one receiving is laid open and picked apart but the other end isn't always any better. wooyoung is above him keeping himself up by only his forearms and his wobbly knees trying so hard not to fall apart. he pulls back and pushes back in and with each thrust, he closes his eyes and wills himself to calm down.

having sex for the first is always a bit awkward and doing it with someone who's experienced only adds to the pressure. san doesn't want wooyoung to be tense or think too much about his actions. he wants him to enjoy himself and have this be a good experience.

san brings wooyoung down so their foreheads are pressed together and eyes are locked. "you're doing fine." san encourages him, his voice tender and barely above a whisper. "i could turn around and get on my knees for you. it would make things easier." he says as he caresses wooyoung's cheek and starts to meet the younger boy's thrusts.

wooyoung shakes his head and whines when he snaps his hips a bit too fast. "i wanna see your face." san gets shy at that and feels hot under wooyoung's eyes. "you look really pretty."

"alright." san says and stretches his neck as wooyoung begins to mouth as his neck, licking and biting as his thrusts start to pick up. san moans feeling every centimeter of his length and how his body pulls wooyoung in further and further.

he supposes that at that point wooyoung stopped worrying about the mechanics of the whole thing and gets out of the mentality he was stuck in. he lets himself enjoy the pleasure and starts to build a somewhat steady rhythm. san's thighs squeeze at the younger boy's sides and grasp at his shoulders to pull him closer. san moans in his ear as wooyoung increases his speed.

"fuck." wooyoung groans as he slams into san's entrancing pulling a moan from him. "you feel so good."

"baby." san says, wooyoung humming at the nickname. san senses are filled with wooyoung. His natural scent mixed with a hint of mahogany fills the air and the heat radiating off his body keeps san warm. the wet sounds of wooyoung's thrusting fill the room as do their moans and whines. 

san's cock is hot and heavy on his stomach, trapped between them and neglected. it brushes against wooyoung's abdomen at times or slaps against his own when wooyoung hard enough but its leaking and san is desperate to provide it relief. san's hand goes down to his middle, his fingers running through the pool of precum on his navel before taking his length into his hand. he begins fisting himself to the rhythm of wooyoung's thrusts. "you fuck me so good. you're always so good."

wooyoung pulls back, his breath so ragged and his grip on san's hips so strong. as his thrust get hard and sharp, san can feel him brush against his prostate. each one closer and closer to hitting his prostate. he whines desperately, trying to get wooyoung to find it.

wooyoung's facial expressions are almost pained and his mouth slack and brows furrowed together. he looks so far gone and ready to cum. san's free hand wraps around the strong muscle of his biceps as he clinches around him and tries to meet his movements, his orgasm building and his self-control long thrown out the window.

"w-wooyoung." san begs as his hand is flying up and down cock. "go faster."

wooyoung comes back down so their chests are flushed together and slams into him. san's nails dig into wooyoung's shoulder as he picks up his pace.

"a ah." san screams as wooyoung rubs against his prostate, his legs squeezing around wooyoung's middle and back arching off the mattress. "there." san chants. "right there. please baby do it again. feels so g-good."

so wooyoung aims his thrusts at the same angle, each time his cock rubbing mercilessly against the little bundle of nerves. san writhes under him, his neck tight with tension and nails digging into his skin. his eyes squeeze shut and his mouth unable to remain closed. wooyoung's rhythm is frantic and high-pitched whines and low groans are more and more frequent.

"harder baby, so close." san encourages. and wooyoung does just that, his thrust moving san up the bed with each thrust and hitting just the right spot to make san incoherent; his broken moans turning into whimpers. "feels so good. ah- love you're cock so much."

"san." wooyoung whines, coming down to press his forehead against san's. "i'm gonna come."

san arches up and fucks himself down on wooyoung's length. "then come."

he thrusts one, two, three more times before his orgasm hits, something loud and primal that's nothing san has ever seen before. the way his eyes lull to the back of his head as he squeezes his eyes shut while he thrusts into san one last time before releasing is something san doesn't think he'll forget. san watches him fall apart his orgasm coming short after and spilling on their middles.

there's a good couple of minutes where they try their best to regain composure. san's bones are mush and wooyoung's no better, his dick softened, his weight crushing on top of san and doing his best to catch his breath.

"fuck."

"yeah." san says breathless, his arms around wooyoung's neck.

wooyoung pulls out once he's composed himself and san winces at the discomfort. the worst thing about sex is the emptiness and unpleasantness of having someone pull their dick out of your ass.

"sorry." wooyoung apologizes. he sits back on his heels and slips off the condom, fumbling around trying to tie it. san takes the red rubber from him, tying the knot and then leaning off the bed to throw it away in the bin. "thanks." he smiles once san has his back pressed back against the bed.

san feels his breath hitch. there's something about the way wooyoung looks in the blue-gray glow and how it frames his strong lithe body. he glistens even in this pale light and san wonders how it's fair that someone as beautiful and graceful as him is allowed to roam the earth and if san, of all people, is allowed to have him like this. and if he is how long it'll last and if there will be repercussions.

san thinks wooyoung is his modern-day psyche. the jealous and spiteful gods livid at his blinding elegance and beauty have somehow thrown san his way as punishment--a stupid cupid who falls for him despite himself. but instead of wooyoung thinking that san is a monster he thinks he's someone precious and worth holding on to. but san can't help but feel like a monster on the inside and one day wooyoung will turn on the candle and see him for what he really is. but until then san decides not to dwell on it. he can't. not when wooyoung kisses the insides of his knees and is so delicate when he cleans them up.

they find themselves tangled up together once again, exchanging sweet kisses, their eyelids heavy and movements slow. this time wooyoung demands to be the little spoon. he lays against san's side and uses his shoulder as a pillow as he takes a mid-day nap. san holds onto him and the hopes that they'll last a little longer.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I FEEL SO ACCOMPLISHED FOR FINALLY FINISHING THIS AHHHH it's been a while since i've updated and i apologize for that. it feels like i updated just two weeks ago but honestly its been like three months jh ja h aha... i actually feel bad about it. i have been working on this chapter in my free time and would have finished it a month ago but smut is so hard to write and i have no beta reader so i have to edit things myself which is fine just takes a bit longer. i've also started the semester and my studio classes have me busy as hell. i literally finished this instead of writing an essay hah a h a it's okay though... i'm also still broke after my vacation but i got to meet ateez (and two other of my utls) so it was worth it. THEY ARE ALL SO BEAUTIFUL. wooyoung though. oh my gosh. that boy is literally flawless. his skin? radiant. his smile? gorgeous. his laugh? music to my ears. also not to sound like y/n but @ hitouch my bias stared into my soul and now we are bonded for life. sorry he doesn't get a choice. i don't make the rules. hopefully, you guys enjoyed this chapter and if there are mistakes don't judge me too hard bc i'm illiterate and sleep-deprived college student  
>  _[kofi](https://ko-fi.com/starsfelldown)_ , [tumblr](http://miniyoonssi.tumblr.com/), [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/starsfelldown)


	7. the wind that collapsed the house of cards

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “ _any moment might be our last. everything is more beautiful because we're doomed. you will never be lovier than you are now. we will be here again._ “  
> homer, **the iliad**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's some violence in this chapter so idk if i should add that as a tag bc it isn't really too bad but it does happen. also if you haven't already vote for ateez!!!! okay guys enjoy! <3

    not everything is always about sex between san and wooyoung.

sometimes san comes over and wooyoung is too tired to go further than kissing. san understands. wooyoung has competed in ballet on a national level and has won. he forces himself to wake up early every day to practice and polish his routine for his upcoming recital. his body is used to the strain of practice upon practice and hours spent in a mirror filled rooms. but sometimes wooyoung's body gives out. those days are a reminder that wooyoung isn't a god and he bleeds too. wooyoung's muscles get sore and his feet blister causing the younger boy's body to be stiff. his stamina falters and their movements become lazy and they prefer to stay wrapped up in blankets on the floor or in wooyoung's soft bed.

sometimes they kiss and kiss until san is breathless with a movie playing idly or an album wooyoung has been obsessed with or sometimes a random show san has been binging. san doesn't mind. laying around with wooyoung and running his fingertips across his skin earning him soft quivers and shaky breaths that lead to nothing is enough and far better than laying in bed alone at home. just being around wooyoung is enough.

today wooyoung has some important things to do on his laptop. wooyoung told san to let himself in and to lock the door behind him. san did just that and toed off his shoes before sliding his feet across the cold tiled floor to wooyoung's room. when san opens the door wooyoung glances at him from over his shoulder--his smile wide and eyes sparkling.

"hey." san says as he makes his way over to the bed where wooyoung is laying on his belly. san presses himself to the younger boy's back and hooks his chin on his shoulder. "what you up to?"

"uni stuff." wooyoung says. san bites wooyoung's shoulder then rolls off. "i'll be done in just a second."

"sure." san says as he got his phone out.

it has now been an hour since he arrived and wooyoung still isn't done but san isn't in a rush. wooyoung has a large collection of manga and pretty fast internet to keep him busy. he lays next to wooyoung, who's typing away as he bites on his lip trying to keep the smile off his face. san's back is pressed against the mattress, his shoulder pressed against wooyoung's side and a book in between his hands. san sighs when he gets to the last page.

"almost done."

"no rush." san says as he puts the manga back onto the large shelf in the corner of the room. "take your time."

he settles back on the bed and uses wooyoung's ass as a pillow. he strolls aimlessly through his instagram feed, the sound of wooyoung's fingers pressing against the keyboard filling the room. jongho sends him a snapchat of himself flexing in the gym mirror with a tank top on, the caption _arm day_. san sends one back of his cheek pressed against wooyoung's ass with the caption _ass day_. wooyoung is too distracted by his laptop and whatever work he has to do to even notice but jongho starts blowing him up immediately. he stares at the notifications as they start to pop up on his screen one by one.

_jongho is typing..._  
_W HO THE_  
_S A N_  
_wH O THE HELL IS THAT?! TEELL MEEE_  
_HYUNG WHOSE ASS YOU BE EATING?_

san laughs silently and starts to type out a response but he hears wooyoung shut his laptop and sighs. "finished." he pushes his laptop aside, stretching his back and limbs before flipping to his backside.

san tosses his phone to the side and scoots up to lay on wooyoung's chest. "everything good?"

"everything is slowly falling into place. everything is fantastic." wooyoung sighs, his tone happy and hopeful. san doesn't know exactly what happened and he won't ask but he's glad wooyoung is getting his way.

san leans in and kisses wooyoung on his lips, sweet and chaste. "good." he says looking into his eyes, their noses only a breath apart.

wooyoung's hands run against san's chest a trail of goosebumps irrupting in their wake; his hands make soothing circles and then settle on the older boy's neck. san tilts his head and kisses wooyoung even deeper. it all feels natural and every touch sets his body on fire. is this what love feels like? is san in love? or is he delusional from the bowl he smoked this morning? he's not sure but he can't fight the erratic thumping of his pulse and the fluttering in his chest. but san does know he wants to hold onto this. for as long as he can.

he holds wooyoung's face between his palms, his thumb running against the soft, moisturized skin. wooyoung sighs against him and when they pull away his eyes flutter open, his cheeks dusted with pink and lips swollen. he looks exceptionally radiant and golden in the liquid sunlight that pours through the window and filling the room. san wants to tell him he looks unreal. he wants to kiss every single freckle on his body and praise him from the scrunch of his brows to the soles of his feet. but he doesn't think wooyoung would want that.

wooyoung is used to getting praised by everyone he comes in contact with. at school he gets called charming and handsome by students and teachers alike, at ballet practice he's considered a god and everywhere else people compliment him with their eyes if not verbally. he must be tired of hearing it and probably finds the praise redundant. san doubts wooyoung would like to hear it from him so he runs his hands through his hair and places a soft kiss on his cheekbone instead. but wooyoung looks at him with soft eyes that make it seem like he understands. that fills san's chest with the same amount of light that fills the room. the liquid, golden sunshine melting in his chest and filling his lungs.

san can't deny that he loves the way wooyoung makes him feel or the way wooyoung fucks him. he loves the way every thrust and touch leaves him weak and shaking. wooyoung's name is always on the tip of his tongue, waiting to roll off it in a moan, laugh, whimper, beg or demand. san can't say that the world stops when they're together but the world does feel as if it shrinks in size and all their problems become microscopic and everyone else is insignificant. the world stills and the air stops around them and all they can do is breath between them. the ground and the sky collide when they're together and the stars are their's for the taking.

again san thinks, _i wanna hold onto this_.

    a few days later they're all in mingi's apartment eating pizza and drinking some cheap beer yunho got his cousin to buy them. mingi's mom is working the afternoon shift at the hospital and won't be back until late so they all decide to eat in the living room with the air conditioning on full blast. jongho is three beer cans in and hanging off of yeosang while slipping in out of aegyo that has san both wanting to squish his cheeks and also in a constant state of cringe. for someone who claims to hate when they act cute jongho does it pretty well. san watches as he nurses a can of sprite with an amused smirk on his face.

jongho then turns to wooyoung who has been giggling at his antics. jongho's face is now less than an inch away from wooyoung and staring at him intensely. san is tempted to pull him away--not for any particular reason besides the fact that drunk jongho has no grasp of the concept of personal space. but wooyoung doesn't seem to mind it too much and just stares back at him, leaning away from him with his eyebrows knitted together. "can i help you?"

"you're pretty." jongho states, his brows furrowed and eyes looking almost angry if it weren't for the roundness of them and the pout to his tone. wooyoung laughs and then promptly shoves him off.

"yes. yes. we all know that wooyoung is pretty." yunho says. "but what are we doing this weekend? seonghwa and hongjoong both have it off and i wanna do something fun."

san doesn't quite remember who suggests it, perhaps it was mingi or it might have been jongho, but they somehow decide on going camping. someone had the brilliant idea to camp out and spend some quality time together under the stars, and though san is opposed to it—due to several valid reasons—the rest of his friends seem content spending their time baking in a swarm of mosquitoes. san groans and throws his head back. he has never been an outdoorsy guy and if he can avoid it then he does but he also doesn't want ruin something everyone else wants to do.

"it'll be fun." wooyoung leans over to whisper to him while everyone else deliberates on what time and date this will all take place. he smiles and san wants to lean over and kiss him. there isn't a particular reason why maybe it's because of the way his eyes sparkle or his comforting tone or maybe because he's simply _there_ but at that moment he craved his taste and the plush touch of his lips. instead of kissing him in the chaos of their friends arguing over what ramen they should bring san simply looks away and feels a warm pool in his stomach.

maybe camping out won't be so bad, he thinks.

    san has only been camping a couple of times, once with his family when he was seven, another time as a school trip when he was thirteen and then when he was sixteen for jongho's birthday. he doesn't know much but he does know that it's usually pretty hard to get a decent spot but luckily seonghwa drags hongjoong out of bed early to grab a spot under the shade. jongho picks him up around ten am and by the time they arrive hongjoong is already taking a nap in the tent and seonghwa is lounging under the tree smoking a cigarette.

the weather is hot but the air is dry with a slight breeze that sweeps through once in a while that provides much-needed relief. jongho has gone to meet up with yeosang and wooyoung who got lost and are waiting by the closest comfort station to get rescued. san lays on the cool grass under the shade next to seonghwa, his fingers threading through the blades as he uses his arm as a pillow.

"when are the others coming?" san asks in the comfortable silence that stands still between them.

"mingi, wooyoung and yeosang are on their way. yunho will come a bit later." seonghwa says, blowing the smoke seep out from the corner of his mouth. "you should probably set up your tent before they arrive."

"but i'm so comfy." san huffs.

seonghwa ruffles up his hair "such a baby."

san pouts at him and seonghwa chuckles before taking another drag. hongjoong wakes up then, his brown hair pointing in every which way and eyes squinting at the bright sun. he stumbles out of the tent, his shirt wrinkled and his beige shorts bunched up at the tops of his thighs. he offers san a sleepy smile as a hello and san smiles back. he recently cut his hair he notices. the long hair that grazed the top of his back has been chopped off now curling against the base of his neck--still a mullet but not so ostentatious. san thinks it looks charming. 

seonghwa opens his arms for hongjoong who easily falls into them. the younger boy's head falls against seonghwa's chest and settles himself in between his legs. san watches how his best friend smiles down at him. "how was your nap sleepyhead?"

"it was alright." he murmurs almost incoherently as seonghwa kisses the top of his head and wraps his arms around him lovingly. "dreamt of you."

seonghwa's lips curl up and san can tell he's having a hard time trying to keep them down. "oh yeah?"

"yeah."

but before hongjoong can tell what the dream is about mingi is coming towards them in full sprint hollering. jongho and the lost bunch are trailing behind laughing at the lanky boy who falls on top of san. san feels like all the breath in him slips out and he doubles up as mingi laughs on top of him.

"san-ah are you okay?" seonghwa says trying to stifle his giggles.

"no i'm dying. i think he broke my rib cage."

"shut up. i'm not that heavy." mingi scoffs as he rolls over and lays next to san. he throws his arms around san and brings him into a hug. "sorry sannie. didn't mean to bruise your entire body."

"where's yunho?" hongjoong asks as the rest of the boys finally reach them.

"he had to go pick his dad up from a doctor's appointment." mingi says as he snuggles into san's side. "but he should be here soon."

san lets his arm settle around mingi's shoulders and lets his eyes wander over to wooyoung. he's pushing his hand through his hair, his eyes peering over at san through the yellow lenses of his sunglasses that sit low on his nose. san's eyes trail over his body; the pair of shorts are placed high on his thighs, showing off his muscular legs. san's eyes move up to his strong arms that are left exposed by his black tank top that's sides are cut low letting san see wooyoung's rib cage. he looks good and he knows it if the way he carries himself and pretends to be unfazed by san's gaze says anything. even the sun caresses his skin and kisses the curve of his sculpted thighs and the wind whispers sweet nothings into his ear as it ruffles up his hair. wooyoung is breathtaking and everyone knows it and God is proud of it. san admires him from afar because that's all he can do at the moment.

yeosang plops next to san as mingi begs the eldest to help him with his tent. seonghwa pretends he can't hear him and instead rests his chin on top of hongjoong's head but mingi is nothing if not persistent. his whines get louder and begging becomes borderline annoying.

"go help him hwa." hongjoong protests, not sure if it's to shut mingi up or because he's generally a nice person. san thinks its a mix of both.

"fine." he sighs. seonghwa places a kiss on hongjoong's pouty lips before detangling himself from the smaller boy. "wooyoung you come too. i'll help you put down your tarp."

"sweet." wooyoung says following behind the two.

"you not gonna help?" san says to yeosang, his elbow playfully digging into the older boy's side. "it's your tent too."

"no. i would just get in their way." yeosang says with his eyes closed and his battery-powered fan whirling at a fast pace to keep him cool. "hey, who are you rooming with for the class trip?"

san hadn't given it much thought. he initially thought he would room with seonghwa but the older boy says school trips are hell and he'd rather stay home with hongjoong. "i don't know. jongho and i briefly talked about it. we haven't confirmed anything with yerim yet. we should probably do that soon though, she was pretty insistent that we should send the forms by the end of this week."

"right." yeosang says. "do you mind switching roommates with me? and before you say no remember that i got invited to spend the weekend at a fancy skiing lodge and i said no because you needed a date for winter formal. i could have gotten dicked down by a fireplace and could have ordered whatever i wanted from room service for _free_ but i gave it up because your mom wanted pictures to hang up in her dining room!"

"fine! fine. i'll switch with you." san says fighting off the smile on his face as yeosang cheers triumphantly. "but why do you want to switch so bad that you brought up the winter formal card."

"i love wooyoung, i do, but i want to room with jongho. you know he's leaving for uni and i want to spend some time together before he leaves. also wooyoung snores. it's so annoying."

yeosang and jongho have been spending a lot more time together than usual for the past couple of months but san didn't pay it any mind. especially when they were studying because they would usually let san tag along, but then they graduated and yeosang continued showing up at jongho's house--and that for san was a red flag. yeosang has always been the type of person who could only take people in small quantities so spending all his free time with jongho is a bit odd--even if they are close. and it isn't a secret that jongho has had a crush on yeosang for years so it makes sense. they make sense. it's also not news for yeosang to keep things like this to himself so having him open up to san leaves him with no other answer but yes.

also it must be noted that wooyoung doesn't snore. it's more on the side of heavy breathing and it's cute, but that's neither here nor there.

"sure. sure but you might want to run it by wooyoung. we aren't exactly close." san says, which isn't completely a lie but not exactly the truth either. "wouldn't want him to feel uncomfortable."

"he doesn't mind!" yeosang rushes out. "i already asked. thank you sannie." yeosang reaches over and pecks his cheek before scurrying away to his shared tent with wooyoung that seonghwa has somehow finished setting up. hongjoong rushes over as well to give his boyfriend a water bottle and fan him with a paper plate.

so he's sharing a room with wooyoung in jeju. san is excited--or maybe not excited--but content with this turn of events. if he closes his eyes he can see them tangled up together in a nice resort with the salty winds bouncing off the waves and into the open window of their suite. his stomach turns at the thought of wooyoung in a wetsuit. maybe he is excited.

    yunho arrives carrying a cooler and some paper bags filled with groceries around mid-day when the sun is shining the brightest and his friends are at their rowdiest. mingi runs over to help and kisses him on the cheek. yunho smiles at him even though the feeling is clearly not all there but his eyes do look brighter after seeing mingi.

san looks over at wooyoung who's playing soccer with jongho not too far away. somehow wooyoung senses his prying eyes and meets his stare with a smile and san returns it. he wonders if the feeling in his stomach is similar to the feeling yunho felt seeing mingi moments ago. wooyoung runs off chasing the ball and bringing it to a halt and passing it back to jongho. somehow a part of san doubts they'll ever have what they have.

    they start to make lunch with the ingredients yunho brought. it's just plain sandwiches but there's something about the way yeosang prepares them that makes them taste far better than any sandwich he's ever had. it can't be that he made them with love because he bitches about it when he's assigned to cooking duty along with hongjoong. mingi and jongho are told to set up an eating area. they eat in silence oddly, taking bites of their sandwiches trying to regain some energy they lost while running around. yunho steals some of the chips san had on his plate and san whines because he saving those for last. the older boy shrugs and places them in his sandwich, the chips making a loud crunch when bites into them.

when they're done eating seonghwa and yunho try tying up the remaining food supplies to keep it safe from animals. jongho and mingi are in charge of cleaning up and san and wooyoung are assigned to find firewood by yeosang.

"make sure to stay together!" yunho calls as he ties a knot. "i don't want either one of you getting lost."

"yeah. yeah." san waves him off. "we'll be back."

"maybe." wooyoung teases.

"please don't die." yunho says exhausted.

when they're out of sights wooyoung's pace begins to pick up. san tries to follow behind him but wooyoung sneaks san a glance before breaking out into a full sprint. san calls after him but all wooyoung does is giggle and wills his legs to move faster. san chases wooyoung through the tall evergreens, weaving in between them and jumping over logs and ducking under low branches. he pushes himself forward and when he thinks he's got him wooyoung slips away from him, san's fingers briefly touching the soft material of his cotton shirt.

san begins to run out of breath, his pace slowing down but wooyoung trips, luckily falling onto a patch on deep grass that softens his fall. san panics for a second and picks up his pace but when he reaches wooyoung he's giggling, his eyes squeezed shut and hands clutching his side. san falls next to him and tries to catch his breath but wooyoung leans over and kisses him on the cheek knocking the air in his lungs right out. san can feel wooyoung's lips curling against the skin of his neck and san can't help but feel happy.

san connects their lips and slowly maneuvers wooyoung onto his back once again and settles on top of him, pressing wooyoung deeper into the cool grass. the kiss starts slow and fuzzy. all that time he spent staring at wooyoung from afar is now forgotten and his hands touch the skin his eyes felt glued to. his hands grip at wooyoung's thick thighs and wonder under his thin shirt. his long fingers dance across wooyoung's ribs like keys on a piano while wooyoung's mouth makes the prettiest sounds. they sit under the tall trees, wooyoung licking into his mouth and sucking on his tongue, their fronts pressed together, and wooyoung's soft pants filling the forest air creating the softest melody.

san pulls away from wooyoung, his lips spit slick, cheeks flushed, and eyelids heavy, but his lips are twisted up in a smile as palm rests on san's cheek. he's ethereal san thinks then--like he has on millions of other occasions-- and he wishes for that smile to never fade.

"you're so beautiful." san whispers, even though they're in the middle of the forest far away from their friends and any prying ear. but san keeps his voice soft anyway because everything he's saying feels like something he should whisper. because it's something he's kept inside himself for so long but it has finally crawled its way out so he whispers it softly like a secret between the two of them. "i've never met anyone as electric as you are." san says, his heart beating a million miles an hour from just speaking such words. san is used to complementing wooyoung, it comes with dirty-talk but this is far from that. he's expressing himself and how he feels about wooyoung and that alone is terrifying, but he continues because the forest trees sway and call him to do so. "you take my breath away and even though you shine brightly among others you shine the brightest on your own... and i think that's amazing."

wooyoung doesn't really know what to say but kisses him and whispers san's name over and over again into his ear like a plea which is fine. san is sure no amount of words or complements--no matter how moving or beautiful--could ever beat the feeling of a thousand fluttering wings in his heart at that very moment. is this _love_? san prays that it isn't but silently hopes that wooyoung feels that same blissful yet strained weight in his chest. _don't let it just be me._

they come back to the camping site with logs for the fire and freshly made marks on the inside on wooyoung's thighs high enough to be hidden by the material of his shorts.

"what took you guys so long!" mingi calls. "we thought you guys were dead. seonghwa was about to send out a search party."

"we got lost." san shrugs, letting the logs fall to the ground by the fire pit. "we went in circles for a bit but wooyoung finally recognized one of the trees and we guided our way back."

"well i'm glad you guys aren't dead." yeosang says from his lawn chair next to hongjoong.

"gee thanks."

    when the sun goes down the air gets chilly and the wind picks up a bit. san stands by the fire as yeosang laughs at him for not bringing a jacket. but to be fair san didn't think he'd need one so now he's stuck under a blanket with jongho.

"wooyoung!" seonghwa scolds from his seat next to yunho. "aren't you cold?"

"that's what he gets for dressing like a whore." yeosang says with a shrug.

"hey! it was hot!" wooyoung screeches as he rubs at his limbs, trying to restore some warmth into his legs and arms. "how was i suppose to know it was gonna get so cold," he sulks.

"we can switch spots!" jongho rushes out. "i have a jacket and the fire is keeping me warm."

san and wooyoung's eyes lock and wooyoung's cheeks then flush. "yeah." he says. "sure, okay."

so wooyoung sits next to him, their shoulders and thighs pushed against one another under the blanket. san feels awkward sitting next so close to wooyoung--which is dumb because his friends don't bat an eye so he tries to settle down and tries to avoid staring at wooyoung for too long.

wooyoung pinches his inner thigh and san tries to calm his smile. san does the same, his hand settling on the exposed skin of his thigh. they do that back and forth for a bit until san inches his hand down to wooyoung's knee and squeezes it playfully but before he can move it away wooyoung's hand is over it, interlocking their fingers. he tries not to smile but it's hard when his heart is pounding his ears and doing flips in his chest.

yunho starts strumming his guitar, picking at the strings and humming. yunho starts singing in a low tone--a song that san doesn't know but sounds pretty and his voice steady and nice. "i said something wrong now i long for yesterday," he sings. "yesterday, was such an easy game to play. now i need a place to hide away."

mingi and hongjoong fiddle with the portable stove yeosang bought so they could make some spicy ramen; cursing and banging on it at times. seonghwa goes over to hongjoong and wraps around his back, his chin hooking onto his shoulder. he looks over at jongho and yeosang who smile shyly at one another. san smiles and looks away rubbing at wooyoung's knuckles with his thumb.

"yunho!" mingi strings out as he pours water into a pot. "play that song i like please."

"of course baby." yunho says as he adjusts his fingers and begins to strum a new song. "this is dedicated to my sweet love mingi. he might not know what's going on half the time but i love him anyway and for always."

"mingi," yunho begins. "ma belle, these are words that go together well, my mingi."

wooyoung laughs at the lyric change and hums along. jongho starts singing along instantly, his voice complementing yunho's exceptionally well. when wooyoung starts to gain confidence he starts to sing along softly. san leans into the younger boy and tries to listen to wooyoung's sweet voice.

"i love you, i love you, i love you." wooyoung sings, his voice high pitched and pretty. "that's all i want to say, until i find a way i will say the only words i know that you'll understand."

san wishes that this song to never end so wooyoung doesn't stop singing. his voice is so soothing and pretty that san thinks he can fall asleep to it. san wants to lean his head on wooyoung's shoulder and be at peace but he can't so instead he squeezes wooyoung's hand a bit harder and presses himself as close as he can. so lovely. wooyoung is so lovely.

"san!" seonghwa calls out, pulling him out of his trance. "come help me serve this ramen instead of falling asleep on wooyoung!"

"i'm not!" san defends, his grip on wooyoung's hand slipping. "i'm just tired," he says as he makes his way to help.

the noodles are a little too soggy for his taste but the broth is spicy and warm in his belly. he stands close to the fire as he slurps up his noodles. every once in a while he looks over at wooyoung who has struck up a conversation with seonghwa. they're both smiling and eating their ramen; wooyoung looks over at him and san finds himself smiling and the younger boy does the same.

after a while, everyone slowly starts retreating to their tent. the first to go are yunho and mingi, wooyoung and yeosang fellow behind them--seonghwa then yells at jongho and him to go to bed because hongjoong and him are tired of waiting on them.

"hey hyung," jongho whispers once they're laying side by side in their respective sleeping bags.

"yeah." san answers his body asleep and his brain half awake.

"do you think you can fall in love without actually ever dating that person," jongho asks as they stare at the top of their tent.

"uh, i'm not sure." san says. "i don't think i've ever fallen in love so i wouldn't really know."

"oh." jongho says into the cold air. "i thought you had feelings for seonghwa. i've brought it up before but you got a bit defensive about it but i was never really sure. if you don't want to talk about it i understand. i'm just curious."

"oh i um--i did like him for a while." san says truthfully. it feels odd saying it out loud when he hadn't ever said it before. he's always denied it when of his friends asked what san and him had 'going on' or when his friends joked about it. "i never told him but i'm fine with our friendship. i would never do anything to ever jeopardize it."

san has always been selfish when it comes to seonghwa. he takes whatever the older boy will give him and lies when seonghwa asks if he's fine before kissing him breathless. the truth was nothing was fine. all their touches played in his mind over and over again and san was too selfish to put a stop to it all. the truth was san loved seonghwa and abused of their unconventional relationship and used their kissing (among other things) to fuel his fantasy of one day getting together. he supposes now that seonghwa is genuinely happy with hongjoong san's fantasies of getting together with him have slowly gone--even if they still linger at times.

"i don't think i like him anymore though. he's with hongjoong and he's happy." san says. "i don't want to take that away from him."

things are quiet for a bit but then there's rustling and jongho is turning to him--his face serious. "hyung. maybe you shouldn't give up." san turns his head towards him. "i like hongjoong. i do, but i know how it feels to not be reciprocated and feel hopeless. but maybe things will work out? it's worked out for me."

san knows jongho is talking about his crush on yeosang. san was there when jongho stared longingly when yeosang went on useless dates with guys who weren't worth his time and then forced himself to help yeosang with his boyfriend squabbles with seonghwa, yukhei and then byounggon. and now yeosang has finally come around and jongho feels like all that time paid off but san doesn't have that guarantee. he doesn't know if one-day seonghwa will realize or develop feelings for him so san has slowly given up over the years.

"maybe you guys will come back to each other. maybe not now, but you can't give up."

"yeah." san says closing his eyes. "maybe."

    the next day san wakes up to hear rustling outside his sent. jongho is curled into his side and snoring slightly. through the thin material of the tent, he can tell it's early and the twilight sky's light breaks through the mesh of the opening of the tent to confirm it.

san feels his arm numb under the weight of jongho's head and maneuvers it to slip from under the younger boy without waking him up. jongho shifts a bit, his mouth closing and brows scrunching together before settling back to their relaxed state. san slips out of the tent, the early morning cold air causing him to shiver as he stretches his back. san goes and takes a piss behind a tree and finds seonghwa sitting under the tree when he returns from the woods. he salutes san with to fingers to his temple and a joint dangling from his lips.

they sit there for a while in silence, puffing and then passing.

"i think i'm in love with hongjoong."

san is left stunned. he can't help the cold laugh that rumbles out of his chest--it isn't one born of humor but of fear. "what?"

"hongjoong, i think i love him." he says his eyes closed and head pressed against the mossy bark of the tree.

"but you've only been dating for like a month."

seonghwa shrugs. "it doesn't matter. when it's right, it's right. doesn't matter if you just met or if you've been dating for seven years. when you fall in love time is irrelevant and doesn't apply. i love him and that's that."

"i guess you're right." san agrees because he doesn't have much choice but to.

there's a pause. in that time a bird in the tree above sings a song and a strong wind shakes the tents where their friends sleep. san takes a breath.

"guess our wedding is off then," he says trying to joke about the stupid promise seonghwa made but his voice and hands shake at the words and san wills it to stop, hoping seonghwa won't notice. but of course the older boy doesn't--he never does.

"huh? oh," seonghwa says with a smile as he realizes what san is talking about. "i forgot about that. i guess i have to call the wedding planner and cancel."

"guess so." san says exhaling the smoke and passing the smoke.

they sit without saying anything, the soft sounds of the early morning forest settling them into the silence and allowing san's mind to race. the sky is still muted and dark. the sun has yet to make it's descent to the heavens and san's heart is shaken and his fingertips cold.

he's not sure what he should do. he was so certain his love for seonghwa had faded and the flourishing relationship with wooyoung was something he wanted but now he's not too sure. does he continue to love seonghwa in the shadows with the hope that one day he'll love him back or give into wooyoung's longing eyes, soft lips and strong hands?

when the blunt is nothing but a useless nub seonghwa retreats to his tent with hongjoong. the light starts to slowly pour in, an array of reds, oranges, and yellows fill the sky. san watches as the sound of birds chirping fill his ears but the air around him feels still and his heartbeat slow.

despite it all san is still breathing. despite being cornered and scared like an animal, he's alive.

when the sun has finally reached its peak wooyoung emerges from his tent a sleepy smile on his lips. san finds himself forcing himself to return it.

this isn't fair to wooyoung. at least seonghwa is oblivious but wooyoung knows too much and is in the center of it all. san's stomach twist and writhes inside of him. san did this. he made his bed and now he has to lay in it.

san decides he's had enough of his mind and walks past wooyoung to sleep another two hours before they have to pack up and leave.

    he keeps his distance for a couple of days. seonghwa invites him over for a movie night which san rejects. wooyoung sends him texts and snapchats but doesn't bother opening them. he sends him a simple text.

to wooyoung:  
_sorry. busy._

his phone buzzed not even five minutes later but san ignores it.

san realizes then that he hasn't had a day to himself in a while. san's days have been filled with the presence of others for the past couple of months and now that he's on his own he doesn't know how to feel.

his room is both his safe heaven and his own personal hell. it saves him from the outer world on hectic days but traps him drags him down into a dark place at night. today his bed feels like a sinkhole that has him struggling and sinking further and further in.

the ache in his chest reminds him of seonghwa and the inevitability of the heartbreak that will come with pursuing his love for him, but the pit in his stomach that eats at his conscious thinks of wooyoung. he would hate things to end between them. wooyoung has become a part of his daily routine and san views him as an essential part of his life. he wakes up thinking about how he'll kill time until wooyoung is out of ballet practice so he can head over. at school when he would stare at the clock all day and wait for his phone to vibrate to see if wooyoung would call him into the bathroom for one of their impromptu escapades.

it used to be like that with seonghwa.

his schedule would center around seonghwa and when seonghwa was available and what seonghwa wanted to do. everything in his life was about seonghwa. he's only had wooyoung in his life since the beginning of this year but he's been obsessed with him since he first laid eyes on him. no matter how much he tries he can't deny that he's always been attracted to him. that wooyoung has always been on his radar. now san has him and has had him in all the ways except one but he could have the opportunity to have him in _that_ way--possibly forever or however long wooyoung can put up with him.

san has never seen himself as someone who can be loved but both seonghwa and wooyoung have made him feel like he could be. seonghwa opened his eyes and showed him that it's okay to be who himself and love who he wants to love. seonghwa was also the person who he lost his virginity to. the person who san opened himself to bare, exposed, and vulnerable for the first time in his life--and it was special. seonghwa made him feel special and in his own way loved but not romantically.

but wooyoung made him feel wanted. wooyoung made him feel maybe not loved but like they could fall into it. with every touch, wooyoung sets san on fire and every kiss leaves him dazed. he doesn't know how to explain what wooyoung makes him feel because it's indescribable and something he can't place. all he knows that it's special.

seonghwa is a pursuit of years and wooyoung an adventure of only months but both have imprinted their mark on his heart. the only problem now is choosing which is worth keeping and letting the other fade into a distant memory; and who he should hurt wooyoung or himself by letting seonghwa go.

he's always been a coward and has avoided making decisions that could potentially hurt him by simply ignoring the situation but he can't do that now. he can't simply ignore his feelings or wooyoung or the gnawing feelings in his stomach when he heard seonghwa was in love with hongjoong. he has to make a decision and he thinks he's made one. it's one that hurts him and scares him, but he has to learn to let things go and cling onto others.

san lays there in his bed until his mind goes numb and his skin is seeping into the seams of his sheets. he doesn't unattached himself from its clutches until the sky outside is a pale blue and his mom calling him down for dinner.

"you alright son?" his dad asks as they sit at the table and san looks up from his plate he's been picking at. "you seem distracted."

"i'm fine."

"it's just the growing pains dear. teens are like that." his mom dismisses as he packs some more japchae onto her plate. "he'll be running around here tomorrow like nothing happened."

the weekend arrives in a blink of an eye and somehow he ends up at seunghun's house for a party. seunghun was in his homeroom his first year and third year of high school and has always been friendly towards san. mingi insists that he's trying to get into san's pants but that's the last thing he needs right now. but san agrees to go anyway because he really needs to get smashed.

when he arrives with yunho and mingi he heads straight towards the drinks. he chugs and throws back everything at arm's length. he ignores the look yeosang gives him and seonghwa's warnings to take it easy. an hour in san is past the point where he's flushed and tipsy. he dances with seunghun for a bit and stays clear of wooyoung who keeps trying to make eye contact with him so he can pull him aside. by midnight he's trashed with a head full of bad decisions. seunghun left thirty minutes ago in an attempt to settle a crowd that was getting a little too loud on the terrace outside.

san is now alone with his back pressed against the fence staring at the side of the house. some people stumble passed him to get to the front yard without having to go through the house and san doesn't spare them a glance. he's too busy staring at wooyoung from afar. he looks pretty tonight. he's wearing a mesh top and those tight black jeans san likes and even put some eyeliner on. san can't keep his eyes off of him. he's stunning as always--nothing new.

when wooyoung finally makes eye contact san motions him to follow with a tilt of his head before walking further away from the crowd and closer to the fence door. like a good boy wooyoung follows.

"hey." wooyoung smiles, stepping close to san but not close enough to grow any suspicions.

"hi." san says. they haven't seen each other since their camping trip. san is pretty sure the marks he littered across wooyoung's legs have long faded and the sensation of his touch has been long forgotten. "we need to talk."

"sure." wooyoung says his smile faltering and a tension building in his shoulders. "what about?"

san takes a moment to really look at wooyoung. he watches the uncertainty on his face, the way he fiddles with his fingers nervously and the way he bites his bottom lip where san used to run his tongue.

"i think we should stop." san says. "i'm not really sure what we have because we never put a name or label to it but i don't want to do it anymore. i'm done."

wooyoung stands their frozen for a second and its almost like he's processing things in slow motion. it isn't until he blinks a couple of times and picks himself back together that he responds with his voice laced with insecurities and sorrow. "but why? what did i do?"

san would feel bad if he wasn't so drunk. maybe if he weren't so set on trying to put up a front and keep himself from getting hurt he would have tried to let wooyoung down gently. but yeosang has always said that once san gets past the point of falling over and being cute he turns into something he likes to call a 'mean drunk'.

"we both knew this would never end up going anywhere." san says, his words slurring together more than he would like. "it was just a matter of time before one of us broke it off. it's not like you actually _like_ me."

wooyoung seems to snap at that.

"you know i did. from the beginning you _knew_ i liked you that's why you fucking kissed me. because you knew i would kiss you back. you've been fucking using me all this time." wooyoung bites and with every word he steps closer until he's toe to toe with san. "did you just want a quick fuck? someone to keep you busy while seonghwa was at work? well, congratulations that's what you got."

"this isn't about seonghwa. stop talking about seonghwa. stop always fucking bringing up seonghwa." san says annoyed. "this isn't about him."

"it's always been about him!" wooyoung exclaims. "i don't know what the fuck you guys are, what you did and at this point, i don't give a shit. i'm over it, i'm over you and your weird ass fucking obsession with him."

san must have rolled his eyes or said something under his breath but whatever he said sets wooyoung off. one moment to the next he's cursing at san. san takes it at first because he deserves it but then wooyoung starts getting frustrated because he's not getting a reaction out of san in his inebriated state. san simply stands there, letting the younger boy's words hang around him like a cloud that will rain over him once he's sobered up. that is until wooyoung starts to push him and his words begin to come out in the shape of shouts. that's when panic starts to settle in his stomach.

"wooyoung please calm down." san says just above a whisper, his eyes shifting over to the party roaring in the backyard. "please stop yelling. say whatever you want just don't yell."

seonghwa is usually laid back, lazy smiles and charming laughs. he keeps to himself and doesn't get into drama but he loves his friends and isn't going to stand back when things get tense. san out of everyone knows this best.

in eighth grade when san grew out his hair to hide his acne he was teased mercilessly by one of the boys in his neighborhood. he liked to curl a lock of san's hair around his finger and call him derogatory names. _you wanna be a girl now choi?_ the boy said as he leaned against a stop sign not far from san's house. _that mutt face of yours won't do you any service. you're too ugly for that._

san did his best to avoid said boy but one day while walking home with seonghwa they ran into him. san tried his best not to be seen and prayed and pleaded to be invisible and for a minute he thought it worked. they'd walked passed the boy without a cruel remark or mean joke but after a few steps, he was knocked back into reality when the older boy rammed his shoulder into san causing him to stumble into seonghwa. the older boy's twisted smile soon slipped from his round face as seonghwa didn't hesitate to throw him to the ground. seonghwa had the boy's cheek pressed into the concrete and his arm twisted behind his back and threatening to break it if he didn't apologize. the boy gargled out an apology through his tears that ran across his face, the snot filling his nose making it sound nasally and like a child.

afterward, the pair headed to san's house an hour late. they talked and played as nothing happened but when they finally settled in for bed san thanked him in the darkness. it was a vulnerable moment and he felt a bit ashamed but his gratitude was genuine. seonghwa reached out from under the covers and squeezed his hand. " _anytime_." and san could tell he meant it.

so when wooyoung's shoves his shoulder a little too forcefully and his ugly words turn into yells that only escalate his eyes frantically start searching for seonghwa, hoping he's far away enough he won't see or hear them. san pleads wooyoung to calm down and tries to convince him to go somewhere else to talk. san doesn't mind getting beaten into a pulp by wooyoung--because it's well deserved--as long as it is out of seonghwa sight. he doesn't want wooyoung to have to face the fiery of seonghwa's fist. but wooyoung is angry and he keeps pushing and pushing until he has san backed into the wooden planks of the fence and has his fists banging against san's chest.

"you're such a fucking coward. you have no problem getting fucked by me and calling out my name but can't tell seonghwa you have wet dreams about him?" wooyoung spits giving him another shove. "why'd you have to bring me into it? why'd you have to pick me to screw over?"

"because you made it easy." san says without thinking, his words spilling out like vomit and impossible to clean up. san regrets it and his body goes cold as wooyoung's body goes stiff. before he can apologize wooyoung's fist connects with his cheek, once and then twice again. san doesn't even try to fight back. he deserves every swing and he takes each and every last one of them, wooyoung's angry insults and teary eyes hurting more than the physical pain.

at this point their brawl had gotten too out of hand for no one to notice and people began to crowd around but no one breaks them apart. not long after seonghwa is shoving wooyoung off and sizing him up. always on san's side. no questions asked. "touch him again and i'll rip your fucking face off. you got that?" seonghwa says his eyes dark and pointed.

san watches as wooyoung's face twisted in anger. "fuck you," wooyoung spits before actually spitting at him.

san watched in horror as the glob lands on seonghwa's cheekbone and roles down. seonghwa recovers from his initial shock, his brows furrowing together before he shoves wooyoung down onto the ground. san feels thirteen again watching as seonghwa struggle against wooyoung in an attempt to pin him down. but this time san wants to run over to stop him. he doesn't want seonghwa to hurt wooyoung or even look at him with those piercing eyes. san watches as wooyoung's palm connects with seonghwa's nose and seonghwa's fist somehow manages the same damage with a punch. he wills himself to move so he can pry seonghwa off but he's frozen against the wall. in the end though jongho and yunho are the ones who break them apart.

after that it's all a blur. hongjoong tries his best to calm seonghwa as he tilts his head back to try to tame the blood gushing from his nose and yeosang tries to clean wooyoung's bloody nose with anything he can find. the blood gushes out, crimson and steady. it flows onto their hands and dips into the indent of their lips and at times slipping into their mouths, staining their teeth. san watches it all of this from afar and all his friends and party-goers pay him no mind. it isn't until wooyoung directs his gaze to him that he feels his soul came back to his body. san has always known that wooyoung could spot him in the largest of crowds and he use to find that comforting. at this moment san wishes he could just disappear. and at that moment, it feels like everyone's eyes are on him. everyone turns to him and stare at him blank faced. _you, you caused this_ , they taunt.

"i hate you." wooyoung screams, the back of his palm pressed against his nose in an effort to stop the flow of blood. the world's eyes are on san but he can't break away from wooyoung, and how his body trembles and his chest falls and rises at an erratic rate. his voice breaks through the loud roar of the party and the bass of the speakers and god casts a spotlight down on the broken boy nursing his wounds, trying his best not to let the tears spill. "i fucking hate you so much," he cries out once more, his hands clutched into fists and eyes squeezed together, and his voice far too broken to sound convincing.

 _no you don't_ , he wants to say, _if that were true we wouldn't be where we are now_ , but san has said enough today so keeps it to himself.

after yeosang has calmed wooyoung down he turns to san angry and his eyes stern.

"that's what you wanted right?" yeosang said his eyes shifting to seonghwa and hongjoong then back to san.

san's eyes flicker over to the pair. hongjoong is squatting next to the older boy, holding his face in the palms of his small hands, examining the damage and his eye that will probably bruise. san watches them and the way hongjoong holds him so gently and the way his eyes scrunch together in worry at the sight of his hurt boyfriend.

"you want to trail around seonghwa like his fucking dog until he realizes he's in love with you right? next time just remember not to drag anyone else into your pathetic fantasies okay? because next time you hurt wooyoung i'll fucking end you. i might not be able to break your face like seonghwa but i'll make you wish you were dead." san feels himself go cold. "you're so fucking depressing. you really think seonghwa will fall in love with you? after all this time? even after you guys fucked? after you've been friends for years? get over it san. it's not gonna happen. you don't deserve him or wooyoung." he says before walking off with an eye roll.

san can feel his throat go hot and his eyes burn at the corners. he won't cry. not in front of these people. not in front of yeosang or seonghwa or anyone else. he'll keep it to himself and fall apart when he's back at home.

"hey." hongjoong says, his hand wrapping around san's elbow. "let's go."

san can't even bring himself to fake a smile and just nods. hongjoong rubs his back and leads him to where seonghwa is standing out on the front lawn smoking a cigarette.

san trails behind them as they walk to seonghwa's apartment. they walk in silence. they don't even ask what or who started it. seonghwa's blind comradery and the way hongjoong looks after him makes him feel guilty to the point where he feels like he's going to be sick. at some point, he dry heaves into a bush, hongjoong rubs circles into his back and the smell of seonghwa's cigarette fills the air. he thinks of wooyoung then and the hurt in his eyes and his cries and all the nasty and true things he said and this time he does puke. hongjoong cleans him up with some tissue. he doesn't deserve any of this. he deserves a bloody nose and a black eye and a broken nose. he doesn't deserve hongjoong's soft hands and comforting voice. he can feel the tears threatening to spill and the lump in his throat but he doesn't dare cry though, he's already embarrassed himself enough tonight.

    when they arrive seonghwa's dad opens the door for him and the look of shock on his face takes san aback.

"shit." he says, his voice laced with worry as he throws his cigarette aside and cradles his son's face. "what the fuck happened?"

"nothing." seonghwa says pushing him off. "it's not a big deal."

"like hell it isn't. you're covered in blood and your eye is bruised." his dad says going after seonghwa who insists that he's fine.

seonghwa rushes into his room and his dad follows shutting the door behind him. hongjoong and seonghwa look at each other giving one another awkward smiles.

"i thought you put this destructive behavior behind you." seonghwa's father voice rings through the apartment. it was odd for san to hear seonghwa's father so upset when the only emotions he displays are muted and often dismissing. he supposes that any father would be upset if their son was getting back into old dirty habits. "seonghwa." he says more calm and collected. san can no longer make out what he's saying but can hear the low rumble in his voice.

by the time seonghwa's dad comes out of his son's room san is seconds from falling asleep. they shuffle into the bedroom--hongjoong first and san trailing behind him. seonghwa has already set up his place on the couch and has already got into bed, lying facing the wall. san sits on the couch and looks over at hongjoong who settles behind him and kisses him on the neck. he doesn't know why he agreed to sleep over. if he's being honest with himself he probably didn't want to be alone with himself and his thoughts. san hardly ever does. but for a while, wooyoung filled that void for him but he's ruined that. now all he has is the scraps of affection seonghwa throws him once in a while. the affection that he can only hope that will one day lead into something more. but for now, he's stuck watching someone else snuggle against seonghwa's side and whisper how much they love and care for him while placing soft fluttering kisses against his bruised skin. this is what he settled for, san thinks. this is what he traded wooyoung for.

the pit in his stomach grows twice in size and he finally lets his tears fall. he bites his fist and squeezes his eyes shut willing all the hurt and pain to go away.

    in the morning nothing has changed. seonghwa still doesn't love him. he still broke wooyoung's heart and the pain in his stomach has made its way into his heart. his throbbing head does him no service either.

for a second san thinks he can take it all back. he convinces himself that if he apologizes and runs to wooyoung they can still figure something out. he pats around for his phone and fumbles with it until he's dialing wooyoung's number. the call goes through, it rings once before sending him straight to voicemail. san tries again and again until he realizes wooyoung has him blocked.

he lays there for a second, in the silence of seonghwa's empty room. the sun pours through the tiny window on his left, hurting san's eyes with their blinding rays. he laughs at himself for convincing himself that it was that easy. 

he looks through the messages wooyoung sent earlier in the week that san promptly ignored.

from: wooyoung  
_hey~ let's hang out! i rented that movie you wanted to watch._

from: wooyoung  
_can't hang out today, have an extra lesson_

from: wooyoung  
_saaaaan i'm bored. come over:(_

from: san  
_sorry. busy._

from wooyoung:  
_alright... text me when you can  
miss you._

san laughs again, his heart falling to the pit in his stomach. he opens the snapchats that wooyoung sent too and continues to laugh until his chuckles turn into sobs. at that moment san feels only regret and sorrow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> **yunho playing the beatles discography as woosan aggressively hold hands under a blanket** lmaoo i love writing angst but i just want them to be happy so im torn. idk if this was angsty for yall but at times it broke my heart writing it. fucking san is so dumb but he deserves to be happy. speaking of angst check out my [seongjoong fic](https://archiveofourown.org/works/20119393) that i'm updating soon! lol okay so here's the part where i explain why i haven't updated in forever. sooo i got a new job and adapting to it while also going to school has been HELL but i have money now so ateez concerts here i come hehehe. i also would have finished this five days ago but i got into a car wreck (not my fault) and my head was throbbing. but on a positive note i'm seriously considering writing an ateez sports au because i binge read the all for the game series by nora sakavic and that SHIT HAD ME HOOKED. if you haven't read it i S T R O N G L Y recommend reading it. and if you do pls come cry with me about it. also i would like to thank everyone for reading and baring with me and my chaotic updating schedule. i'll try to be better and not make yall wait months for updates but i really do appreciate the kudos, bookmarks and especially the comments. it makes me really happy knowing you guys like me story :') thanks once again  
> [tumblr](http://miniyoonssi.tumblr.com/), [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/starsfelldown), [twitter](https://twitter.com/starsfelIdown?s=20)


	8. my beloved phoenix

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _"I couldn't tell whether the hole that opened up inside me was from missing you or from the change of season."_  
>  — Haruki Murakami, **Norwegian Wood)**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: drug use and paranoia!!!!!  
> sorry for the mistakes i edited this while having a cold

    there's a shift in their group dynamic. it's inevitable and abrupt. the odd thing is no one asks questions. no one asks what happened between wooyoung and san. he isn't quite sure if no one asks because they already know or because they don't want to get involved. it kind of throws san off if he's honest. if it were the other way around san would have been too curious not to ask. but when he goes to hang out with jongho and yunho at mingi's they don't ask. they lay around playing fifa and don't ask why wooyoung was so upset with him or why he had san pressed against a fence as he yelled obscenities and buried his knuckles in his face. but they do mention it.

"are you guys gonna be okay rooming together? we can switch roommates. i don't mind" jongho says to him during a particularly intense match, his eyes glued to the screen and brows furrowed in concentration.

"even if i wanted to we can't." san says as he rolls the joystick under his thumb. "yerim would throw a fit. she said all decisions are final. and i doubt she'll make an exception for me."

"maybe if you would have accepted her love confession back in middle she would let you switch." mingi jokes, mouth filled with chips.

"i feel like she never forgave you for rejecting her." jongho says.

san rolls his eyes. "she really isn't my _type_."

"yeah, yeah, we all know your type is male 180cm with a fat ass and pretty face." yunho says. "but are you sure you guys are going to be okay rooming together? you won't kill each other or anything right? we could beg yerim to get one of us to switch with one of you. i'd much rather kiss her ass than watch you too fight again."

san feels guilty about many things--everything actually--but mostly for bringing everyone into his mess. he was scared that his fight with wooyoung would offset the equilibrium of their friend group, but san takes comfort in knowing that their fight hasn't changed how everyone else interacts with one another. sure the eight of them don't pile into seonghwa's room or invade one of their parent's living rooms anymore but they still hang out, just in smaller groups.

"no." san rejects. "i don't want to inconvenience anyone. plus, begging would only get us yelled at. the only way out is if someone from the resort files a noise complaint or something. even then though--it's a big if."

"what if you guys get into a fight!" mingi says shooting up from his seat. "then they'd have to get you to switch."

"babe, the whole reason we're trying to get them to switch is so they won't get into another fight so your plan is a little counter-productive." yunho says stroking his boyfriend's hair.

mingi is silent for a second, the gears in his inebriated mind slowly turning before he finally speaks up. "okay we'll make it plan B then."

yunho pulls mingi into his lap with a goofy smile on his lips. the younger boy settles into him while yunho presses a loving kiss to the side of his drunk boyfriend's head. "that's generous baby. maybe plan D."

"or last resort." jongho says.

    after a week san feels dizzy with how much he misses wooyoung. san finds that the younger boy is cruel and won't even let san see him in his dreams. he only appears in his memories or broken fragments in a nightmare. it's the same reoccurring dream each time. they start off in a white room with light trickling through the slits of the blinds. the swaying leaves outside cause the shadows and light to dance against their bodies. wooyoung's body sparkles in the sunlight yet his skin looks matte and smooth. san runs his hands against the skin and wooyoung says something but no sound comes out. san reaches out to touch him but suddenly wooyoung is upset, his face then twists in anger and then there's blood. a steady stream pouring out of his nose, staining his sheets, wooyoung's teeth and covering his hands. the more san tries to help the messier it gets. san always wakes up when wooyoung lets out a loud, piercing cry. he shoots up in his bed with a sense of panic that slowly wears off into feeling of fatigue and drenched in sweat; his throat feels tight and it's hard to breathe. sometimes he cries afterward but mostly his heart aches for wooyoung.

today he woke up to the same empty bed and feeling as hollow. he misses the taste of wooyoung's lips and how he quivered under his touch. he misses the way his thighs would tense up around san's middle and his pretty laugh and pretty smile. he misses his smell and his soft skin that it's frustrating. if he closes his eyes he can still hear his laugh and the way he would whisper his name.

he lays in bed and wonders if hanging out with seonghwa like they planned is worth it. he sighs and wants to simply go to sleep but an hour later he finds himself at the market anyway completing all the tasks that seonghwa's dad asked him to do. thankfully the market isn't as crowded as san expects it to be and thankfully all the good produce and meat is still available. usually, san tries to avoid going to the market especially during the lunch rush but seonghwa asked him to come and he doesn't have an excuse not to go nor does he have anything better to do.

seonghwa is in a sour mood and it doesn't do anything to improve san's mood. he's not very talkative as it is but usually, he makes an effort to joke around and hold a conversation--especially if san is feeling low--but today he can't be bothered. san doesn't mind but he thinks it's because he got into an argument with hongjoong. he isn't sure of the details and hongjoong hasn't mentioned it when they've hung out because yes, in an odd twist of events san has found himself spending a lot of time with hongjoong.

they grew close because the morning after his fight with wooyoung, when san was choking on sobs, hongjoong was the one who rushed in to console him. he wrapped san in his arms and told him everything was going to be okay. he rubbed soothing circles on his back and wiped away his tears. he held san like he was trying to put him back together and chose his words carefully, but he didn't ask questions. san appreciated that.

hongjoong let san cry until he needed a nap and his eyes were swollen and felt bruised. by the time seonghwa got back from dropping his dad off at work it was 1pm and by then san's swollen eyes had been iced down with cold cans of beer from the fridge. hongjoong and san were sitting in the living room with their feet up on the coffee table with some mind-numbing reality tv show playing idly on the television. seonghwa comes over to them with bags filled with food he picked up on his way home. the skin around his eye was colored purple and sore with tenderness. san felt guilty just looking at him.

seonghwa dropped the food off in the kitchen and then made his way over to hongjoong kissing him on the cheek and then ruffling up san's hair. "how are you feeling?" seonghwa said with a smile as if he wasn't the one with a black eye and a cut on his lip.

"i'm fine." san answered with a shrug as if he hadn't just spent the morning crying.

hongjoong smiled at him sympathetically and then offered to pour them juice for their food. after that day san felt a bond with hongjoong that grew the more they got to know each other.

hongjoong and seonghwa are no longer allowed to work together after the stock room incident. (the store manager stepped out for lunch and hongjoong was left in charge of the store and seonghwa was left to do some work in the back. the day was slow and hongjoong got bored and decided to visit his boyfriend in the stock room. when their manager came back seonghwa's hand was down hongjoong's pants and after the initial shock of such events they were scolded.) so now hongjoong has this spare time alone and has decided to spend it with san.

at first san feels awkward about it because hongjoong has seen him at his worse and even though they've spent a lot of time together it has never alone. but san warms up to him quickly.

hongjoong, san realizes, is extremely easy to love. he has an infectious laugh and large round eyes that sparkle and shine. he's bright in a way san can't ever fathom of being. he's caring and kind. he has ambitions and has big dreams. he has his flaws of course but all the good makes the bad look microscopic.

san learns that the older boy dropped out of school back in september and finished up his diploma through an online program. hongjoong wasn't happy at home either and decided it was time to move out. he saved enough money to rent a small one-bedroom apartment two blocks away from the seven-eleven where he has been working at for a year and a half. now he's training to become a hairdresser.

"really?" san said scrunching his brows together. "why?"

hongjoong seemed to get that response a lot from the way he just smiles and shrugs. "i've always loved dying and cutting my hair. it's the way i express myself and when i get tired of who i just pick up a pair of scissors or a box of dye and i'm suddenly reborn. it's something different. something i can do for the rest of my life and enjoy it. i just love it."

san looked at the way he smiled shyly and felt himself burn with envy. he wished he had that ambition. he wished he found something burning within him like hongjoong. he wished he knew what to do with his life. but here he was, fresh out of high school with no idea how to move forward. he was at a loss as all his friends were going in each and every direction while he stayed where he was, scared and lost.

"i'm rooting for you." san said.

hongjoong smiled, his teeth on full display and eyes turned into slits. "when i open my salon you'll be the first person's hair i'll cut."

san's lips turned and he nodded. "i'll hold you to that promise."

knowing hongjoong now--his quirks and how he is--san understands why seonghwa likes him so much. he's also come to the conclusion that whatever they're arguing over is probably seonghwa's fault. san loves his best friend but he has no idea how to communicate his feelings nor how to interpret others'. he probably didn't do anything on purpose or with the intention of upsetting hongjoong but sometimes seonghwa becomes oblivious to the feelings of others as well as his own. it isn't because he chooses not to notice or be unaware of the feelings of those around him but because he grew up hiding his own and living with a dad who has a hard time expressing himself with sincerity so it only makes sense.

seonghwa looks down at his phone for the seventh time in the past twenty minutes only to see that he doesn't have any messages. san chuckles to himself and accepts the free sample a lady shoves his way.

    by the time they get to seonghwa's house, it's already late in the afternoon. they take all their bags inside and put everything away. san has known seonghwa for a long time and is well acquainted with his house after years of sleepovers as kids and the countless times he's been too drunk to go home on his own. he knows exactly what goes where and how to get around. he feels at home as seonghwa house. it's not the same feeling he gets from his own house but its a different feeling from being in mingi's, jongho's or yunho's. it feels familial. he's almost sure he could walk around blindfolded without bumping into anything. 

after they finish seonghwa grabs his lighter and heads outside and san follows him out onto the porch outside. he sits next to him. they're quiet for a while, the only sounds coming from the buzzing light above them and cars that pass them. the air is humid and gross, it makes his clothes sticky and the wind blowing in their direction uncomfortable.

seonghwa's hand plays idly with his lighter; flicking it on and off with his thumb. the orange flame lights up in seonghwa's eyes, his face neutral and tired.

"i haven't seen you smoke cigarettes in a while." san wonders out loud as he watches his friend. his eyes wander over to the empty ashtray sitting on the small table next to him that's probably been cleaned out recently.

"my dad said he'd quit if i did." seonghwa says with a shrug as if he wasn't shaking from the lack of nicotine. for years seonghwa's friends have tried to convince him to stop but the moment his dad asked him to he does it. seonghwa playing it off as whatever amuses san. "it's a bad habit anyway."

"is that the only thing bothering you?" a particularly strong wind passes them then, pulling their hair in every which way. "you seem off."

"hongjoong and i got into an argument. we haven't talked properly in a couple of days. i'm just scared i'll fuck up what we have." seonghwa says sitting up and leaning against the back of his chair.

san didn't expect to get a real answer out of seonghwa. he expected to get a shrug and for seonghwa to grunt out a 'i'm fine' like he usually does and they'd go on about the rest of their day. he supposes that if seonghwa is willing enough to open his heart to san that he must really be feeling conflicted. he also must have fucked up big time.

"he's upset that i won't take money from my dad for school." seonghwa says confused and frustrated.

"why won't you?"

"because i don't need it!" seonghwa says worked up. "i don't fucking need his handouts. if i wanted to go to school i could save up to go. sure it might take me a bit longer but i could do it."

"it's not fucking hand out dumbass." san says without any bite to it. sometimes he just needs to use harsher words to get through to seonghwa. "he wants to help you because you're his kid. he's your dad and he's allowed to help you. instead of being offended you should accept it and apologize for being a brat."

"i don't even want to go to university!"

"then tell him that. but we both know that this isn't about not going or going to school. you have this weird thing about not wanting to be helped. you think it makes you look vulnerable but seonghwa no one thinks you are and accepting help won't change that. especially not with your dad. he loves you and just wants the best for you."

"it's just hard." seonghwa says staring at his shoes. "i've had to do everything myself and have had to help myself ever since my grandmother passed. i didn't want to be another chore for my dad. i tried to make myself as small as i could so he didn't have another load but now i feel like all i do is worry him. i don't want to take his money. i don't want him to sell my grandmom's house for me. i don't want that. i want him to do something for himself for a change. to save up and go on a cruise or go on a date, i don't know."

"then tell him that." san says softer. "if you don't talk to him how do you expect to understand each other? talk to hongjoong too. he'll understand. he's great like that."

"yeah you're right. i'm sorry for being so emotionally constipated. i just keep this shit in and don't process it then it comes back to bite me in the ass. but thank you." seonghwa nods and then looks at san, his brows scrunched together and eyes grateful. "talking to you always helps."

san smiles. "i'm always here for you. no questions asked."

"so since it's honest hour, you wanna tell me what happened with you and wooyoung?"

san hesitates but decides its best to get this shit off his chest. he tells seonghwa everything. he tells him about the hookups (not giving too much detail), the afternoons in wooyoung's room, the laughs they shared and their eventual downfall.

"but why did you guys fight? i don't know wooyoung too well but he doesn't seem very violent. he must have been really upset."

it's hard to explain everything without telling seonghwa that his relationship with wooyoung started because of his love for seonghwa and also ended because of it. maybe one day he will. one day he'll own up to everything and tell seonghwa how he fell in love with him after they lost their virginities to each other and had been pining over him for years. but as of now san isn't in love with him any longer and he's still trying to wrap his head around everything and his feelings. it isn't the moment for that truth, he'll just have to save it for later when it's less raw and the wound has completely healed.

"i thought i was in love with someone else and i didn't want to lead him on."

"are you?"

san looks over to seonghwa who's shinning under the porch light and the purple sky behind making him look radiant.

"no. i was at one point, but i think i was just using those old feelings as a cop-out; was scared probably."

"do you love wooyoung?"

san takes a deep breath and looks down at his shoes that have suddenly become the most interesting in the world.

"yeah." san sighs. "i think i do."

_____

    the commute to jeju island is an odd affair. while yerim was not generous enough to allow him to switch rooms on such a short notice she okayed jongho to be travel buddy instead of wooyoung.

san was disappointed that their class was big enough for them to be a crowd, a small one but albeit a crowd, making it hard to spot wooyoung. it has been two weeks since he'd last seen him. part of him yearns for him while the other was terrified to see him.

he sits next to jongho with a war raging in his stomach with his head ready to burst while he pretended to read.

when they arrive to the resort they all exit the charter buses and crowd around the lobby. that's when san sees a head of silver hair. he tries to be discreet in his pursuit to take a glance but the people around him are excited about spending time at a fancy hotel with their friends and keep bouncing around making it hard to see him without some flailing around.

"guys settle down!" yerim calls. she stands on top of the three steps leading to the concierge desk so everyone can see her. "jiwoo is going to hand out the itinerary we're going to be following. please no sneaking off. we will be taking roll so if you aren't accounted for we will come to find you. and if you're going to sneak off at least tell your roommate or someone where you're going. i don't want anyone getting lost under my supervision. also no drinking!"

jiwoo comes to him and hands him the schedule with a bright smile on her face. san smiles back because it's hard not to. she’s always so bright and it's hard to be in a bad mood around her. they had the same homeroom their first year and she always made an effort in talking and being nice to everyone. even seonghwa who doesn't take to people right away was sort of fond of her. he thanks her and she pushes playfully at his arm as if san told her a funny joke. san tries to tune back into yerim but catches wooyoung staring at him annoyed and rolling his eyes at his interaction with jiwoo.

san sighs. it's going to be a long trip.

    they don't immediately go to their rooms. they leave their luggage with the hotel staff who take it to their respective suites as they first go grab some lunch at one of the restaurants at the resorts.

the restaurant is big enough to fit everyone but it's a squeeze. the other patrons who are made up of foreigners and older couples slowly make their way out at the sight of a group of rowdy teenagers.

san and his clique claim the large round table in the corner of the room next to a big window. there's a pier not too far away and below it a sparkling sea that laps at the sand. san watches the waves slowly come up and retract until a menu is put in front of him. all the food listed are light meals and jongho sighs at that. "man i want seafood."

"i have a feeling that after this trip you'll probably be sick of eating fish." mingi says before going back to squinting at the menu.

san stares at the menu and tries to focus on the words and make sense of them but in a few minutes, wooyoung will be back from the restroom and be sitting across the table from him. after two weeks he'll be in front of the person who constantly plagues his mind and kicks the walls of his heart.

"hey sannie what are you getting?" yunho asks.

"probably a turkey sandwich. we'll probably have a big dinner so i'll try to save my appetite," he says without looking up from his menu.

everyone starts chatting about the food choices and what they find appeal and they wait to make sure they're all certain about their order so they can call the waiter over. yeosang makes it back just in time and jongho points at something on his own menu and yeosang orders.

"is wooyoung feeling better?" mingi asks.

yeosang shrugs and runs a hand through his hair. "the drive to the resort gave him motion sickness and he just really needed to lay down so i took him to his room. he should feel better after he gets some rest."

their lunch is a quiet affair. a long morning of traveling has them feeling drowsy and being trapped in uncomfortable seats on the way to the resort have their bodies feeling stiff. by the time they're finished its five and yerim dismisses them to their rooms after handing them their room keys. she calls them up one by one in alphabetical order. even though san's body is tired and dragging with fatigue his mind is racing.

he somehow convinced himself that the situation isn't too bad but now the reality of sharing a room with wooyoung for the next five days has him feeling like a trapped animal. he has nowhere to run and now he's clawing at the walls in a desperate attempt to get out.

he walks back to the main part of the resort slowly. the wallpaper and carpet are all too interesting for him to rush to his room. it takes him a bit to find an elevator that's open so sits on the first floor in a little waiting area for guests until the crowd thins out. he hugs his middle and gets onto the elevator with a few of his peers. the doors begin to close and a couple who are coming back from the beach run to make it on. san holds the doors for them and they thank him slightly out of breath. the man and women giggle at each other as they settle into a corner.

san looks down at his shoes as the man puts his arm around the girl, pulling her closer so he can kiss her ear. san notices the trail of water started by the couple. he looks at their feet that are covered in sand and the squishing sound of the man's sandles as he shifts his weight from leg to leg.

the elevator dings and his classmates get off and he's left with the couple who are too engrossed in one another that they probably have yet to notice his presence. san tries to ignore them but once they're pressed against each other and kissing as if they were trying to eat one another its hard. san watches the man's hand travel his way down the women's back until it's on her ass. the elevator is filled with the noises of their wet lips moving against one another and the mechanics that keep them moving. san decides its better to keep his eyes on the little screen that tells them what floor they're on. the numbers fly pass until it lands on seven and there's a ding. the couple detaches themselves from one another and the women exits as nothing happened. the man straightens out his shorts before sending san a wink before leaving.

san spends the short ride to the ninth floor trying to process what just happened but his mind draws a blank. he pushes the situation aside and deals with finding the door marked 902. he passes it once because it was far too close to the elevator and didn't give him time to mentally prepare himself. he rounds the corner, passing an ice machine and then a vending machine and goes searching for the emergency exit--just in case. then he's back in front of the suite once more and he decides it's time to face wooyoung.

he opens the door with his key and makes as much noise as possible so wooyoung won't be caught off guard. the room isn't very big. it has enough room for two twin beds and a small desk and sofa. san's luggage was set on the foot of his bed by whoever brought it up. he walks over to it and looks over at the other bed next to his that's littered with clothes and beauty products. the restroom door is open and the light on. he can hear movement and his heart stumbles a bit.

wooyoung emerges ten minutes later. it's like a punch in the gut. a couple of months ago he would have never guessed that wooyoung would get such a response out of him. they weren't supposed to be more than a temporary fix or a quick fuck, it wasn't supposed to be like this. wooyoung was never meant to make san shake with need or be a craving. he was simply meant to be there and be nothing more or nothing less. but here they are but it seems like the tables have turned against him and san is the one who has faded into nothingness.

san expects wooyoung to walk straight past him as if he didn't exist but wooyoung never ceases to prove him wrong. he stands right in front of san, facing him head-on, unlike san who planned to tip-toe around wooyoung the whole trip.

san is a bit taller than wooyoung but the way wooyoung is staring him down with his piercing eyes makes him feel impossibly small. san feels intoxicated by his cologne, strong and alluring, but san can still smell the faint sweet fragrance of apples from his body wash. san wants to reach down and press his finger against the crease in his brow. he wants to kiss the pout of his pink lips, embrace him and bury his face into the just of his neck.

"we should establish some ground rules." wooyoung says, his arms crossed and eyes cold.

"sure." san says, because what else is there to say.

"only talk to me when it's necessary. stay on your side of the room and we'll be okay. lastly, don't get any ideas."

san nods and wooyoung smiles coldly at him before walking away to the full-length mirror where he fixes his already styled hair. san can't keep glancing at him. he tries to pretend that he's putting away his clothes but his eyes keep wandering. wooyoung is dressed in tight black jeans with a button-up shirt that's opened far too low. he also has some chains and accessories san finds stupid. really really stupid and not attractive at all.

being alone in the same room with him and not being able to muster the courage to talk to him, much less touch wooyoung, is confusing. the concept of them seems so familiar yet so foreign that it makes his head spin. all he really wants is to apologize and forget it all and go back to how they were, but he knows it's not that easy.

"wooyoung," san says dropping the pair of shirts he had clutched in his hands. "maybe we should talk about what happened. i didn't mean any of it. i'm really sor-"

"me and yeosang are going to explore." wooyoung interrupts him, acting as if he didn't hear. "i don't know when i'll back."

"but yerim said no sneaking off." san says dumbly.

wooyoung shrugs. "what's she gonna do? call my mom? i paid for my room and this trip isn't technically sponsored by the school so i come and go as i please. don't wait up."

san sighs defeated when the click of the door sounds.

    when eight o'clock hits san can't muster enough energy to get out of bed to have dinner. he shoots mingi a text saying he isn't going to make it.

san puts on a movie so the room won't feel so empty or silent. he gets to about a quarter of the movie before he starts to fade out. he starts thinking of the couple from earlier. they probably had sex when they got to their room while san was greeted to his hostile roommate leaving.

the guy's smile and the way he winked is stuck on a loop in san's mind. his mind starts to drift back to the way his hands drifted to his girlfriend's body and how large his hands looked against her small body. before his mind goes anywhere seonghwa drunkenly calls him to ask how he's doing. he even makes some empty threats at wooyoung. "i'll come down and kick his ass again if he makes you sad. i swear i will!" he slurs. "no one breaks my friend's heart."

san rolls his eyes fondly. he wonders how seonghwa can still manage to love him and defend him even though he knows san was the one at fault. he knows that san was the one who caused wooyoung and san's end but still wants to protect him and loves him.

san amuses him until a sober hongjoong takes the phone from him.

"sorry," hongjoong says. san can hear a seonghwa whining in the background. "he's had too much to drink. he enrolled in that technical school today and we decided to celebrate."

"hongjoong-ahhhhhh." seonghwa cries in the background. "tell me you're proud of me."

hongjoong sighs, trying to come off annoyed but it comes out fond. san can practically see the smile on his face. "you did so well baby. i'm so proud of you."

seonghwa giggles in the background and then goes silent.

"so how was the commute?" san gives him the basic rundown of what has happened until that point and how he decided to skip out on dinner. "i know the situation between you and wooyoung isn't the best but try your best to have fun anyway. you're in a beautiful new place. it would be a shame to throw it all away."

"yeah."

"try to go out and have some fun, yeah?" hongjoong's voice is soft and comforting and exactly what san needs at that moment.

"you're right." he admits as he stares up at the ceiling.

they say their goodbyes and san promises to check-in in the morning.

to mingi:  
_you guys still at dinner?_

from mingi:  
_no:/  
but a bunch of us are down at the beach having a bond fire if you want to come_

to mingi:  
_be down in a few_

from mingi:  
_byob bitch;)_

san changes into some fresh clothes and throws some water onto his face. he's going to have some fun tonight. he will.

he makes it the elevator and his mind goes back to the couple from before. coincidentally when he reaches the seventh floor the door opens. he hopes that it's not for the couple. he can't face them again. luckily though, it's seunghun and byounggon who smile at him.

"heading down to the bond fire?" seunghun asks as he steps into the elevator.

san nods as seunghun stands next to him. he smells of a wooden musk that's mixed with a hint of amber; it's alluring and nice. "yeah. i kind of missed dinner and decided to come out to get some air."

"you feeling alright? i heard wooyoung isn't feeling too well." byounggon says.

he sure looked okay when he walked out the door earlier to fuck off to where ever he went. "i'm fine. all the traveling is just a bit draining."

"yeah i feel you. i have some stuff on me." seunghun suggests. "if you wanna sneak away for a bit."

"i think i'll take you up on that."

byounggon shakes his head at them amused and seunghun gives san his signature eye smile.

once they reach the beach they part ways with byounggon who heads off to find his girlfriend while the pair find somewhere safe to smoke. it takes them a bit but they find an abandoned shed overrun with weeds and tall grass. san jiggles the knob but no matter how hard he pushes or pulls it doesn't budge so they decide to smoke on the side hidden from the crowd. they're further away from that no one can smell anything or possibly see them.

seunghun lights up his joint using the dark sky above them as a blanket to keep them covered. the fire flickers on and turns the boy's face orange and the joint lights slowly fading to whisps of smoke being carried away by the salty wind. seunghun takes a drag and then brings it to san's lips. he takes it between his slightly chapped lips and absently thinks that seunghun's lips were on the same place his are right now. san inhales. seunghun's smirks at him and at that moment in the pale moonlight he looks like wooyoung. san's heart clenches and he exhales.

maybe if san had never went to wooyoung's the day after that party their relationship would have never ended in heartbreak and maybe wooyoung would have just been a 'what if' but either he was destined to be a regret. though then maybe san would have the clean conscious to dare look at seunghun with the same amount of curiosity and light his eyes hold. san feels bad for pretending to be oblivious and as they get higher higher the more his heartaches.

he sits on the sand facing the shore. seunghun sits next to him, thankfully not close. everything about him is tempting; from his glistening lips to his round eyes and sharp jaw. he could bury his sorrow in those pink lips and pretty hands but san knows he'll regret it and sooner or later seunghun would too. san isn't a good idea. just ask wooyoung.

san's youth has been a burning flame; a reckoning, transformation, and creation in itself yet so fragile and self-destructive. he's selfish in nature and will swallow the little innocence the world has left to feed his own fire. one day san will eat everything in his path and then slowly flicker away, only leaving dust in his wake. wooyoung, unfortunately, got caught in the path and is burning but san can only hope that he'll rise from the ashes. san decides to spare seunghun by burning at a comfortable distance.

they talk a bit. seunghun goes on to tell a detailed story about some school and his major but san is having trouble concentrating on his voice. the roar of the sea and the crashing of the waves have his ears feeling like they're stuffed with cotton. san would feel bad if seunghun didn't sound like he was talking to himself at this point. he watches the water that was once crystal blue come closer and closer. the water is now black and reaching out for san; with every tug and pull it feels closer and closer. san can feel the panic swell in his belly and slowly work itself into his chest.

"i have to go." san says shooting up and walking off not even hearing seunghun's worried voice. with every footstep, the panic settles deeper and the water gets closer. then he's running with poseidon at his heels as his heart races.

"san!" someone calls but san just keeps running until he's gasping for breath.

he runs and runs because the roar of the waves are calling to him while the sand sinks him further and further down. he pushes on even when he gets to where everyone is crowded around the fire. he keeps going and doesn't stop until he finds the path leading to the resort. he grasps at his knees and tries his best to catch his breath. the panic in his chest starts to subside as his breathing evens out.

"hey san, are you okay?" san turns around to find yeosang behind him. he rests his hand on san's back and looks genuinely worried.

"fine." san says, breathless and short.

"hey." yeosang says a bit sheepishly. "i know this a bit out of the blue but i just wanted to apologize. i shouldn't have said all those mean things that day at the party. you're my friend too. you were actually my friend first. it was a shitty thing for me to do and i'm sorry."

san isn't sober enough to be having this conversation but he appreciates it. yeosang's words had wounded him and what hurt him the most was that they were coming from his mouth. yeosang and his friendship is the second longest-running camaraderie san has. so having yeosang be that angry with him--though justified--did have a bigger impact. it made san feel dirty and made his chest feel heavier.

"it's okay." san says as sincerely as he can when he's trying to regain a steady heartbeat.

"hey san look at me." yeosang says, his hands cupping the younger boy's face so he can look at his eyes. "fuck me, are you high right now?"

"y-yeah." san says. usually, san is careful with what type of weed he smokes because he doesn't like being high if he's just going to be anxious. he prefers to be spaced out and relaxed but right now he feels the exact opposite. he just didn't think to ask seunghun and wanted desperately to be high so he acted without thinking.

"ugh," yeosang grunts. he links his arm with san. "i'll take you to your room. i gotta drop wooyoung over there anyways."

"wooyoung?"

"yeah he's over there." yeosang says pointing next to the dirt path and sure enough wooyoung is face down on the ground not too far away. "he spent the whole night at the bar flirting with the bartender so he could get free drinks. he can barely walk and has already thrown up twice so this should be fun."

yeosang somehow gets the two of them to their suite. wooyoung is incredibly drunk and needs yeosang's support to stay upright while san sometimes gets distracted or stops walking to stare at a wall. when they finally get to their floor yeosang sighs in relief. san opens the door and lets the two stumble inside.

"alright wooyoung sit down so i can take your makeup off." yeosang says as he sets him down on the sofa so he can dig around the mess on wooyoung's bed for his makeup wipes.

"i wanna shower." he slurs almost intelligibly. "i got sand on my pants."

"you can't even stand by yourself what makes you think you can shower right now." yeosang says, lightly wiping the smudged eyeliner under his eyes. he then turns to san who is still standing by the door. "san why don't you change into something more comfortable and get into bed."

san nods and does as he's told, stripping out of his pants that are damp with the sand's moisture. wooyoung stares at him as he does so his eyes blank and san feels his heavy gaze as he turns his back to change out of his shirt. wooyoung turns to yeosang and half whispers something in his ear to which the older boy gives him a face that's mixed with disgust and annoyance. wooyoung giggles and falls back on the bed and san wishes to do the same but before he can climb into his bed there's a light knock on his door. san goes to answer it and finds seunghun standing at the door.

"hey." he says, relief visibly washing over his body. "you okay? you kinda just ran off. had me worried."

"sorry. i'm fine just got a little paranoid. that's all."

"it's fine. i wanted to make sure you were okay." seunghun then leans a little on the door frame, his eyes dazed and cheeks splashed with pink. "if you want i can stay with you until you're feeling better. keep you company."

"i actually-"

"san." yeosang says suddenly by his side. "can you look after wooyoung? i need to go grab some more water bottles so you both can sober up a bit."

"sure." he turns back to seunghun and gives him a sheepish smile. "sorry i gotta go."

"hey don't sweat it." seunghun says. "next time."

    yeosang slips out and a very drunk wooyoung sits half asleep on the bed yeosang threw everything off of. san lays on his bed and next to him and tries not to stare. san has been in a scene like this multiple times with the younger but all the previous times they were together, in the same bed and maybe things weren't perfect but they were happy. now both of them are miserable and full of regrets. san hates it. the couple feet between them feel like a wall and the silence sounds more like screams. he wants nothing more but to reach out and take wooyoung's hands into his own. he doesn't think he could or that wooyoung would let him. he doesn't deserve it.

san's eyes slowly begin to drift and the next time he opens them it's dark. the only source of light is the muted glow of the moon filtered through the blinds and the digital clock on the nightstand beside him that flashes the bright red numbers 2:56 AM. it's been a while since yeosang has left he supposes. he stretches his back, the sound of the sheets rustling and the whirl of the air conditioning. he turns to wooyoung who he can barely make out but he can see that is laying facing san's bed.

"hi."

"hey." san responds, sounding like he was just punched in the gut.

"seunghun stopped by an hour ago to drop off your phone." wooyoung says, his voice no longer containing the drunken playfulness of earlier. "apparently you left it at the beach earlier."

"oh." san says dumbly, he hadn't even realized it was missing. he also didn't understand why seunghun didn't give it to him when he stopped by earlier. it’s all confusing.

"your forgotten items tend to get you into strange situations." san knows what he's trying to imply, that he did all of this with the purpose or with the intent of seeing seunghun again. "he's pretty. is he your new toy?"

"you know he's not. you know." _you know i only want you and that i only miss you and only need you._ "we just smoked. nothing else. what about you and that bartender?"

"are you really in a position to be making claims right now san?" san stays silent, only proving wooyoung's point. "you know i don't hate you. i love you too much to be able to." he sighs, his words unprompted and a bit soulless to be a love confession. san blinks in desperation, trying to adjust to the darkness so he can see wooyoung. even though wooyoung claims to love him, san can't believe it and has to see a flicker of emotion that proves that there is still hope for them. _please just let me see him._

"i tried hating you and i can't. i hope one day i'll be able to, but right now i'm too hung up on you to forget."

"i don't want you to forget me." san says, his voice strained and dry.

"you'd think by now you would realize that not everything is about what _you_ want." wooyoung says. it's true. san, despite all the damage he's caused, is still set on wooyoung. he's a stubborn child who cries and cries until his parents give and buy the toy he wants. he takes and takes even when things are not given or offered to him. san is greedy. "there are times where i miss you but i definitely don't miss how selfish you are."

san doesn't know what to respond and by the time he realizes that he should apologize wooyoung's soft snores have already filled the room. he sits there for another hour in thought before nodding off and when he opens his eyes again it's morning. the room is blinding with the intense sun shining through the now open persian blinds. he turns over to hide from the harsh beams and sees that wooyoung is gone. the clock reads 11:00 AM, he has missed breakfast and he is alone once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> we almost towards the end guys:') i'm really excited but kinda nostalgic idk. i was so sure that this story was only going to be 10 chapters but now im not too sure. it might but 11 but it won't be more than 11. i know i always say that i'm not going to make y'all wait months for an update but i made yall wait months for an update. i have very valid excuses. during the holidays i was extremely busy because of finals, work and family coming into visit so the little things i did write were never enough to update. the thing that held me back the most is that this time of year i get very sick. it's also kind of important to note that i'm an art major and a lot of my time, energy, and creativity go to working on my projects. also funny story i was going to update this on the 24th but accidentally stabbed my finger with a carving tool in my printmaking class so typing was not an option:') next udpate will probably be at the end of feburary bc i have a piece i need to finish for a show. also thank you to anyone who has left a comment, kudos or bookmarked. you bbys are the best and deserve the world. kiths for you  
> [tumblr](http://miniyoonssi.tumblr.com/),, [curiouscat](https://curiouscat.me/starsfelldown), [twitter](https://twitter.com/starsfelIdown?s=20)

**Author's Note:**

> leave a kudos, bookmark or leave a nice comment pls:(


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